SIL sabotaging my parenting decisions.

[Vindazoo]

I’m in the process of adopting four children who are now currently living with me. The eldest is 6. There has been a huge amount of trauma in their lives and things have been hard to navigate.

My SIL has 1 child through IVF and had failed attempts to have another but they stopped due to stress that impacted their family unit. She is baby mad but expects children to then be mini adults.

The six year old is in pulls ups during the day and a night nappy at night - there is a medical issue involved though everything may be resolved with time. Her young sibling 3 has come and has managed toilet training, is mostly dry during the day but is in a nappy at night. I haven’t shared any of this with anyone except the professionals that need to know. I’m not sure why I would need to?

I’ve also really reinforced the “pants rule” and told them nobody but me and them and some professionals that I will always be with them for is allowed to touch them. Me is only because of changing them, and there’s some suppositories that need given - all things professionals are helping, prescribing or advising on.

The 6 year old is mute with everyone but me, her siblings and toys. This is trauma driven. Unbeknown to me my SIL was touching her bottom scooting her into a room and noticed she was wearing a pull up. She asked me about it and I thought it was odd, maybe she was wet and it was more noticeable but I just replied and said she’s wearing pants.

SIL subsequently went on a snoop into the bathroom that 6 year old uses with all her pull ups and night nappies in. She also went into their bedrooms and saw their night clothes hanging up. Have multiple sheet changes due to nappies and covers coming off due to thrashing and nightmares they are all in Carters Sleepsuits which were recommended. ok so careful with my wording around all this to avoid shame and embarrassment.

My SIL has hit the roof and said I’m delaying their development, they should be in pants and dry at night by now, and that I’m causing them harm. She spoke about how only babies wearing pull ups in from of the 6 year old who can understand everything.

I’ve asked her repeatedly to stop this behaviour and her assertions against me. Things have gotten worse.

She is over the moon to be able to cuddle the younger two but I think she’s causing harm to the older two with what she’s saying.

AIBU to cut contact until they are out of night nappies which may take years so they don’t have to hear this crap?

I am by the way completely new to child raising, doing it whilst dealing with my only trauma and grief and trying my absolute best with advice from professionals.

There’s a bunch of other stuff she has issue with too and I get that she’s now grieving for her failed IVF attempts and this has probably brought a lot up for her but equally the kids have been through enough harm.

This. And if you as a not much experience with children posted this it is because your Mama Bear instinct is kicking it. Proof you already are a wonderful mum

I just want to say @Vindazoo you’re bloody amazing. Wouldn’t have the sil in my house though, until she understands boundaries.

Absolutely this. Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job looking after these 4 youngsters, so don't let her undermine you. Like every parent on the planet, you're doing what protects and works for your family.

Believe in yourself and be guided by the professionals in your situation. They know all the facts about your children and your SIL doesn't, so pay her no heed.

We all applaud you for what you're doing 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 and wish you all the best for your future and hope the adoption completes soon🥰

I agree with others that you need to talk to her.

She has raised one child with no complex needs. Her experience does not veto the input you're getting from professionals.

I'd be telling her, firmly, that HER comments re their current needs are harmful and that if she doesn't stop she can no longer be around the children. She needs to understand that their toileting/night issues are due to past trauma, that it is common in their circumstances and that you will be following professional advice, not hers!

They've been through enough. They don't need some judgy twunt adding to their misery with her bitchy comments.

Well done on all of your hard work, OP. It sounds like these kids are really lucky to have you.

She's your SIL, so get your DH to give her hell. He also needs to dob her in to your ILs, otherwise you'll be having them on the phone.

Her behaviour was beyond inappropriate and I wouldn't let her back unless she came crawling over broken glass. Meet her by all means out of the house but stop her from coming in. She simply can't be trusted.

As for your parenting; the kids are thriving so you're doing the right thing. Well done, you.

She's your SIL, so get your DH to give her hell. He also needs to dob her in to your ILs, otherwise you'll be having them on the phone

I'd assumed she's her brother's wife as there's no mention of a father figure in the picture?

Anyway, I've nothing to add that others haven't said, jus adding my support. You're doing an amazing job and your SIL is out of order.

(As a PS - my 15yo son was wet during the night until at least 6, possibly 7 - he's perfectly fine and well-adjusted. SIL is a gobshite)

Just explain it to her surely?

Absolutely, your instincts are correct and your children need to come first.

Very small point, but I love Carters sleepsuits.

definitely. ‘Hi sil, no don’t come around. It’s best you don’t visit again until you can accept my parenting, you have no idea about these children’s conditions or the advice I’ve been given and the things you are saying about the older two are unacceptable, I won’t allow that in my house.

Why is this awful woman in your house?

Is she DH sister or your brothers wife?

Assuming she is aware that the children have been through trauma, it should be fucking obvious that comments about their development are inadvisable and unwanted.

I'm raising a child who has trauma and also adopted. Tell her to fuck off. For real. She knows nothing. Tell her that. Point out that she is uneducated in children and trauma and therefore any advice or comments she has are a waste of time.

Be blunt and honest.

Believe me people will continue to make comments, at least in my experience, and it's best to say we deal with trained professionals who are knowledgeable.

YANBU

If she isn't aware of of the background I would clearly explain to her why her behaviour is not acceptable. Then if she continues I would cut her out, no further chances.

And thank you for giving those children a loving home.

My DC did not have trauma or medical conditions and both wore pullups until about 8 years old at night. My pediatrician said this was perfectly within normal development as some kids take longer to potty train at night.

Your SIL doesn't know what she's talking about and she needs to be kept away from your children until you can trust her. She sounds very intrusive. You sound like a wonderful mother. Best of luck to your new family and those precious children.

My 6 year old is still wetting at night and would still be in pull-ups if they didn't always cause a rash. Kids that have been through trauma are vulnerable and shouldn't be around anyone that can't manage to keep negative opinions to themselves. Anyone with an ounce of sense would know you dont say things like that where the child can hear or overhear you. I'd be very straight with her, she stops saying things like that or she's not allowed to be around them.

Absolutely do not let her near the children again. My (untraumatised) 6 year old is still in night pull ups and I would be livid if anyone made these kind of remarks within earshot.

All I want to say is you sound wonderful and doing a lovely job, I know some days will be harder than others but well done keep it up. As for your sister I don't think it's anything to do with her ivf I think she probably just doesn't understand. We all parent differently and clearly your children need a lot of help right now. Sit her down, don't fall out and have a gentle chat with her I'm sure you can sort it. She probably doesn't even know she's upsetting you a bit

ChatGPT?!?

I don’t imagine sil will fall in with the OP’s instructions regarding her children, she sounds pretty determined to be in the right (the sil). I doubt sil will just merrily agree with a skip in her step. She sees herself as the ‘real’ parent and obviously thinks she knows best. I would severely limit contact until she can hold her tongue.

Social worker here - your children have suffered trauma you are completely right to go at their pace and not stress them out even more. Like you say In time it may change, they need to feel secure and safe first which they will do the more they are loved and continue to be loved and cared for no matter what. You sound like an amazing mum and yes I would say her lack of understanding about their experience and trauma is detrimental to their developent and progress so you will have to cut contact for now. I wish there were more parents like you xxx