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Original poster

To have cried in the car after leaving lunch?

83 replies

allthewayacrosstheroom · 27/01/2024 22:15

Met up with two friends today - another friend was suppose to join but cancelled last minute.

Friend that didn’t join us is in a shitty relationship but she seems to be clinging on despite being unhappy. Anyway, the other two were talking about her saying that she’s getting old and how it will take time to find someone else etc

And I’m sat there at 36 (3 years older than the person they are discussing), single and childless. And I just felt absolutely horrendous. How can you be so oblivious

OP posts:
Gloryloroliesjo · 27/01/2024 23:51

So many people over 30 meet the right person. I was 29 and husband was 34 ..30 years later we have three lovely children and are still together..just!!

NewName24 · 27/01/2024 23:55

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 27/01/2024 22:41

The thing is OP you are in a completely different situation to your friend. You could meet and marry the love of your life tomorrow. You are free and have total control over what you do next. If your friend is in a shitty relationship and still holding out hope for this fool, she isn’t free. It’s totally different and your friends probably had no idea you even interpreted their comments in the way you did.

This ^

like I said it’s just not healthy for me to read certain comments and feel like life is pointless.

Nor is it healthy for you to sit there listening to your friends saying something that you perceived to be a slight against you (whether it was or wasn't) and not say "Oi ! She's younger than I am!" or similar. Then go and sit in your car and cry.

If people inadvertently say something that you are going to perceive is a slight, then speak up at the time. You aren't in a power situation here - the new apprentice at work type thing - you are a grown woman sitting with friends.

Use your voice.

Livelovebehappy · 28/01/2024 00:06

allthewayacrosstheroom · 27/01/2024 23:40

No. You said it’s difficult for anyone over 30 to meet someone who’s even half decent. They didn’t say that. You did.

Show quote history

But it is. Not impossible, but difficult….

pizzaHeart · 28/01/2024 00:09

I wonder if it’s a bit of frustration on their side because of worrying for a friend. You want your loved ones be happy straight away, you don’t want them to waste their precious time on a problematic relationship. So it was a bit emotional conversation and people often exaggerate in emotional conversations. They could even look calm because they couldn’t throw a tantrum in public, their emotions went into their words.

Yes, dating is difficult but it’s difficult at any age. Some might say it’s more difficult when we are older, maybe because we value ourselves more and become more demanding but surely it’s a good thing because it means less waste of time. But your friend were not after a deep analysis of dating or whatever, they just wanted their friend to be out of that relationship. They were not thinking about you because you’re in a different situation completely. You don’t need some extra time to sort out a split and then to recover after. They didn’t associate this topic with you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/01/2024 00:11

Being pissed off at people for pointing out the truth doesnt help you.

The fact is that finding a man over 30 who isnt a total twat is hard! The ones that arent twats are usually already in a relationship. The ones that are single usually have an ex and kids.

I am 50 and have come to peace with this and you will have to aswell.

therealcookiemonster · 28/01/2024 00:11

OP clearly they were being thoughtless or insensitive, or both...

you are still young(i wish I was 36 again!) and still time to meet someone and settle down if that is what you want. it's better you have a good relationship late in life rather than harbour some worthless lump for the sake of it. many women successfully have children at a much older age than yours.

in the meantime, why not enjoy your single, child free life. do what you enjoy and relish your own company. maybe do some solo travel. treat and indulge yourself with nice things. you will fondly look back at this time once you have not even a second to yourself!

Original poster
allthewayacrosstheroom · 28/01/2024 00:17

Livelovebehappy · 28/01/2024 00:06

But it is. Not impossible, but difficult….

Show quote history

And again, you deserve a place at that table because you’d fit in so well.

OP posts:
Original poster
allthewayacrosstheroom · 28/01/2024 00:20

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/01/2024 00:11

Being pissed off at people for pointing out the truth doesnt help you.

The fact is that finding a man over 30 who isnt a total twat is hard! The ones that arent twats are usually already in a relationship. The ones that are single usually have an ex and kids.

I am 50 and have come to peace with this and you will have to aswell.

So having an ex and kids makes someone a twat? Interesting take. And dating in your 50s is not the same as dating in your 30s.

OP posts:
KalamazooZoo · 28/01/2024 00:31

Be careful op because whilst I can understand why you are upset as it has hit a nerve I have experience out the other side of how my contemporaries were when on the look out for a man that was decent at around this age. There were various approaches but some of my friends lost the plot and all it did was make it harder for them.

Dating is hard at any age because when it comes to percentage of ok women to men there are far more ok women. What do you actually like in life? hobbies and interests wise?

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/01/2024 00:41

allthewayacrosstheroom · 28/01/2024 00:20

So having an ex and kids makes someone a twat? Interesting take. And dating in your 50s is not the same as dating in your 30s.

Show quote history

Again you are reading what you want to see and not what is being said.

At no point did I say that a man 30+ having an ex and kids is a twat, just that it is something to be aware of. You only have to read the step parents/relationships board to see how hard that can be the navigate.

And do not patronise me. I know full well what dating is like in your 30's, I did it.

I think that the only lunch you should go to now is a pity party for one, as you clearly dont like to hear anything other than people blowing smoke up your arse.

QueenBean22 · 28/01/2024 00:50

JulianFawcettMP · 27/01/2024 23:46

No you can't guarantee it
.
Don't be nasty

Show quote history

I’m not trying to be nasty, just looking at it realistically and from experience if ‘friends’ are comfortable tearing someone apart when they’re not there, they’re likely to do it to others

I feel for OP having friends like these, and I disagree with their nasty remarks

BetterWithPockets · 28/01/2024 01:02

This sounds thoughtless, OP, but I do feel some people just don’t think. As someone who had my first DC at 41, there is hope…

Bumcake · 28/01/2024 01:06

Well, you had better get your skates on at least. Are you proactively seeking a partner?

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 28/01/2024 01:58

You have years to get married, you are still young. My mother married a few times
...once in her 20"s, then in her 30"s & again in her late 50's. Had a boyfriend in her 70"s who really wanted to marry her he died though.

Elfblossom · 28/01/2024 02:46

Okay... 1, 36 isn't 'old'. 2, You & the absent friend might consider new friends. Talking about a friend in that way isn't okay. It was bitchy, not concerned. 3, Re 'soul mates' - sigh, where do I start? Your soul mate could be a dog, a platonic friend, a relative. The term is just a romanticised phrase. 4, Don't wait. Whatever you want in life don't wait around hoping it will happen and then you'll be happy. Be happy now! Be content with your life as it is or if you're really not, do all you can to change it for the better. Want a child? Foster, adopt, Sperm donor.
Want a relationship? Work on you, be happy with yourself and then, maybe you'll attract the kind of people you need.
You'll rarely meet 'the one' in a pub or dating site though, get out into real life, travel, join a hobby class or volunteer. If there's no club near you, start one. 6, When people you went to school with start dying of natural causes, then you'll really learn to appreciate every birthday. So many people don't realise how lucky they are. I'm one of them, I'll admit. I hated the thought of being 40! But it's a privilege to get old that some are not afforded.

Clarefromwork · 28/01/2024 04:27

I would have been the same as you op, not said anything at the time but then be upset about it later.

How old are the 2 ladies you were at lunch with and are they married with children out of interest?

Hope you feel better

Josette77 · 28/01/2024 05:34

Are you dating? Do they know you are wanting a relationship?

To be fair you are in a different situation.

She is wasting time on an unhealthy relationship, versus you looking for a healthy one.

Watching friends stay in toxic relationships is hard. Sounds like they are concerned about her, not referring to you.

I do think since this upset you so much why not message them about it?

I think we all say thoughtless things sometimes. They will probably feel awful they hurt you and apologize.

I think it's hard to find relationships at any age. Dating requires a lot of effort.

I disagree that you won't find your person on online dating.

Almost every couple friend I have that met in the last 10 years, met online.

I met mine a year ago on Tinder of all places and I'm 46. I dated a lot of people in the three years I was single after my ex husband and I could not be happier now. 💝 He was worth all the toads I met along the way. 😉

neighboursareselling · 28/01/2024 06:04

If these people make you cry you shouldn't be spending any time with them.

CrunchyCarrot · 28/01/2024 06:12

Well, they are talking rubbish, OP. I found my wonderful partner when I was 40. Yes, the grand 'old' age of 40! He was a friend of a friend. Your friends are being very unkind and oblivious, don't waste your tears on them. One day they will look back at their 30s and realise it's very young and they are wrong.

hattie43 · 28/01/2024 07:05

They are tone deaf .
It's like when someone is discussing an obese person saying how awful they looked and how they have no pride in themselves to an obese person . Tone deaf

Calliopespa · 28/01/2024 09:20

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/01/2024 00:11

Being pissed off at people for pointing out the truth doesnt help you.

The fact is that finding a man over 30 who isnt a total twat is hard! The ones that arent twats are usually already in a relationship. The ones that are single usually have an ex and kids.

I am 50 and have come to peace with this and you will have to aswell.

We must be surrounded by different demographics. I barely know a man under 30 who IS in a serious relationship.

Calliopespa · 28/01/2024 09:20

hattie43 · 28/01/2024 07:05

They are tone deaf .
It's like when someone is discussing an obese person saying how awful they looked and how they have no pride in themselves to an obese person . Tone deaf

This

Hiwhoeveryyouare · 28/01/2024 09:24

I'd feel shit too but then if these are your friends I imagine you've had years of this. Maybe get some new friends, join clubs etc? I can't imagine how they'll cope later in life and it sounds as though you've mentally outgrown them already.

Hiwhoeveryyouare · 28/01/2024 09:26

Not sure why people are posting about men at all, this thread is about friends who think finding a man is the be all and end all of life. We all know that is BS! Men will come and go, in more ways than one, throughout most women's lives causing drama while they do. You need a good hobby, better friends and a life you are happy living with or without a partner.

Onelifeonly · 28/01/2024 09:39

There's not enough information to know whether they were being massively insensitive to you or not. Do they know you are sad that you aren't in a relationship? Plenty of people are fine being single so it would be patronising to assume you're not if they don't know.

Secondly, the other friend is in a different situation. They are advocating that she leaves a bad relationship. Do you agree with them? Could you not have just joined in and not made it about you in your mind? Or even lightheartedly drawn their attention to the effect of what they were saying - 'if she's badly off at 33, what about me?' type of thing.

Sometimes we expect people to be sensitive to us when they don't understand how it feels. And that could be because we haven't tried to help them understand. Maybe you have, I don't know.

When I had trouble conceiving, I was very selective about who I told because I didn't want everyone constantly asking me about it. That led to me hearing a certain amount of insensitive remarks that upset me, but I didn't blame the speaker as I knew they either didn't know my situation or didn't understand it having not heard my thoughts on the subject.