To have cried in the car after leaving lunch?

[allthewayacrosstheroom]

Met up with two friends today - another friend was suppose to join but cancelled last minute.

Friend that didn’t join us is in a shitty relationship but she seems to be clinging on despite being unhappy. Anyway, the other two were talking about her saying that she’s getting old and how it will take time to find someone else etc

And I’m sat there at 36 (3 years older than the person they are discussing), single and childless. And I just felt absolutely horrendous. How can you be so oblivious

I wouldn't say it's hardly here or there.

The whole conversation was awful though OP. Like they forgot you existed or that it's shit to discuss your friends like that.

Why didn't you tell your friends they were talking shit? Are they perhaps not really your friends?

People saying that they meant that the friend was wasting time with the other guy, even if she spent several decades more with him (sure a waste of time) she still wouldn’t be too old to meet someone after if she wanted to!

Why would you sit there and say nothing?

This is why the vast majority of so-called ‘friends’ aren’t worth the effort. It baffles me that people are so proud of their dozen or more ‘Facebook friends’, who they meet for coffee, go away with at weekends, etc. Ugghh, they’re welcome. Give me one or two genuine, close friends any day.

They were just talking.
Your other friend is in a shitty relationship and you are not.
You have no probs, so they think.

However, you feel like you need to get a move on. So do that. Change some things about how you are looking for your partner.
Join different clubs, met groups of mixed sex people, try different online dating sites, do quick dating, hold dinner parties. If you are so sad to be older and alone then don't stop until you are meeting new people often.

I honestly don’t think they were saying anything nasty about the friend. They were probably just highlighting how difficult it is these days for a lot of women over 30 when single to actually find someone else half decent. Most turn to online dating, which is dire. That’s why some women will cling on to a bad relationship because they think they won’t find someone else, and would rather have a crap relationship than none at all.

I agree.

Only you know the tone in which this was said. But if they are generally nice people and they weren't doing it in a gossipy or mean way, you could give them the benefit of the doubt

If they are usually nice, maybe They got carried away and they were talking about your friend, not you... as in, they probably thought that she shouldn't waste any more years with someone who made her that unhappy but should move on.

They might even be surprised that you took this to mean it applied to you. It was a bit of a blunder and it upset you.

If you are usually all on good terms, would it be worth discussing it with them, telling them how they made you feel?

Because it’s easy to think I should have said this or I should have done that. We don’t always react how we wish we’d done.

I was taken aback and hurt which makes me shit down and bottle it up. Of course that’s not right but it is what it is. I’m already hard on myself so no need to criticise me, I do it for myself so easily.

Oh well I was feeling better after some genuinely lovely comments. Maybe you should take my place at the next lunch, I think you’d fit in well.

I think I need to leave this thread for my own mental health, that comment has really upset me. I’d usually be stronger but because of today I’m pathetically weak and that comment has just pushed me over the edge to feel terrible again.

I do thank everyone else for their kind comments, like I said it’s just not healthy for me to read certain comments and feel like life is pointless.

Yeah don’t take on any more criticism. I completely get why it upset you: the fact they thought it, the fact they said it in front of you without thinking how it applies to you as well. It was super insensitive- but not accurate. It really isn’t too late these days, certainly not for meeting the right person and as for children, the truth is both (and the only ) people I know who weren’t able to have them in the end actually married really young and it was just a full on problem that starting early wasn’t going to fix. Another had two well after 40. So even trying very early doesn’t guarantee anything, nor does starting late preclude anything. Good luck OP and don’t let insensitive people get you down: it’s their issue not a reflection on you.

Op, you are not old and your friends were thoughtless to you.
If they are so concerned about the other friend, they should talk to her directly rather than discuss her behind her back.

You're right it was really thoughtless of them. But if you want a relationship and children, are you actively socialising with singles? It's much more likely to happen if you are. It wasn't until I was mid-thirties that I finally decided I really did want those things and was ready to get out there after a previously awful relationship. I met my DP at a singles Christmas party when I was 36. 24 years later, we are miraculously still together and we have two gorgeous DC.

Hug. Sorry you feel so upset. I was single at 35. Started a relationship late that year, got married at 37 and had 3 children at 42.
Now, I know it doesn't always happen like that but doomsaying about it taking ages to meet someone and have a serious relationship isn't always true either.

It's very childish of them to think a 33 year old is "getting old".

Also, trying to wring something positive out of it, you may or may not have been hyper conscious of how much this meant to you, but it can be the case we sail along not fully confronting how we really feel. Just try to take this horrid incident as a useful realisation of the fact it clearly did really matter to you and up your efforts to realise your ambitions. That’s not letting them off the hook, just trying to channel it usefully. Good luck: all is possible ( and perfectly realistic).

When they referred to your friend’s age, I would assume that they meant not that she is ‘too old’ to meet someone, but that in her 30s she should not be wasting her life on a man who makes her miserable. There is nothing wrong with being single and childless but there absolutely is something wrong with clinging to a miserable relationship.

I have a friend who spent the entirety of her 30s with a horrible man until he left her a week before she turned 40. She’s with someone else now (she met him at 45) and he’s absolutely lovely and they’re so well-suited and very happy together. But if she’d dumped her horrible ex when she was 33 (or 36) she would have been single and available and would have then met someone nice at an earlier point instead of wasting a decade with an absolute arsehole. It’s not being single in your 30s that people should be worrying about. It’s wasting your 30s on someone terrible. I would have that this is the point your friends are making?

They know full well that you at 36 could meet someone great tomorrow because you’re single. But the friend in the awful relationship has closed off that possibility by choosing a miserable relationship over being single and available. Is this not what your friends meant?

Your situation is not the same as that of the person they were talking about and their words just weren’t meant to apply to you or your circumstances. Please try not to give this any more headspace.

You’re misunderstanding my post. Whilst i said it wasn’t nasty, it was thoughtless, but I don’t think meant with ill intent.

They sound pretty horrible to be honest. They weren't discussing your friend in a concerned, worried about her relationship way they were gossiping and seemingly taking enjoyment from pointing out something they deem to be a misfortune....all the while oblivious to how it might be making you feel. I can totally see why you were upset. The thing is what they are saying is utter rubbish so please don't take it to heart and try and find some new friends.

No. You said it’s difficult for anyone over 30 to meet someone who’s even half decent. They didn’t say that. You did.

My advice.if you think a man and a baby will solve you they will not.If u want a baby do it alone from sperm bank or adopt.But don't just use any old man IMHO.Or freeze eggs tho possibly a bit late for that.not sure

.obs one can't have babies at any age if a woman tho some people have with modern fertility treatment or surrogacy...but one can find love.i hate this horrible horrible race to find partners all because of bloody biological clock.
Having said that its hard to be alone forever and financially hard but that's capitalism for you.It rewards couples and families.your friends are making you fearful.

No you can't guarantee it
.
Don't be nasty

Ok, so now you've had a chance to think about what you would like to say, why don't you message them and let them know how you're feeling?

Assuming they are good friends who care about you and will want to make amends.

I'm in a circle of great women who had their first babies at or after 40, because that was when they started trying. Your friends are deeply naive and tactless. I am really sorry that they upset you and I remember being very upset by comments like that myself in my 30s, but please just really focus on the fact that it is bullshit. As is the suggestion that it is somehow harder to meet someone who is really long-term right for you in your 30s, or that it's too late to freeze eggs, or whatever. Most of the men we meet aren't right because they aren't right for us. When we meet one who is is a matter of luck and timing, not age. You're nowhere near washed up, OP 😘