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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is my friend thoughtless?

57 replies

Funkyslippers · 27/01/2024 11:26

We have my 14 y/o DD's friend (my friend's daughter) over for a sleepover at least once a month. Usually provide snacks, drinks, breakfast obviously & sometimes, like last night, dinner if she hasn't already eaten. Never gets invited over by them. The logistics make it hard to invite DD over but it wouldn't be impossible.

My annoyance is my friend has never said thank you (neither does the daughter!), never sends her with any snacks or drinks and sometimes like today, has said she needs to be back at a certain time as they're having a takeaway to celebrate pay day. I would have thought they could at least invite DD over too. One time she even asked friend to pop home in the evening so she could join in with the family barbecue, then she came back to ours! Aibu to think it's quite thoughtless and think that either my friend or DD's friend could invite her to join them once in a while? I get on well with my friend, see her once every couple of months but wonder if I should say something

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2024 11:27

Of course you should. Suggest she hosts the next one and don’t have her DD over till she does.

JMSA · 27/01/2024 11:29

She's a taker. And it needs to be addressed.

StandardLFinegan · 27/01/2024 12:01

Funkyslippers · 27/01/2024 11:26

We have my 14 y/o DD's friend (my friend's daughter) over for a sleepover at least once a month. Usually provide snacks, drinks, breakfast obviously & sometimes, like last night, dinner if she hasn't already eaten. Never gets invited over by them. The logistics make it hard to invite DD over but it wouldn't be impossible.

My annoyance is my friend has never said thank you (neither does the daughter!), never sends her with any snacks or drinks and sometimes like today, has said she needs to be back at a certain time as they're having a takeaway to celebrate pay day. I would have thought they could at least invite DD over too. One time she even asked friend to pop home in the evening so she could join in with the family barbecue, then she came back to ours! Aibu to think it's quite thoughtless and think that either my friend or DD's friend could invite her to join them once in a while? I get on well with my friend, see her once every couple of months but wonder if I should say something

Wow. Your friend is not only thoughtless but is entitled and has very poor manners.

The tricky thing is how to convey it to the parent without destroying your child’s friendship?

I have always found that, over the long term, my dc ended up with friends whose parents’ values aligned roughly with ours, so is a natural “culling” took place, but sometimes you end up needing to support the child despite their parent’s behaviour.

Celticliving · 27/01/2024 12:03

"Would it be ok if my DD comes to yours when your DD leaves? She hasn't been to yours and I really think she would like to."

Puddingpieplum · 27/01/2024 12:14

What are the logistics that make it hard for your dd to stop at their house?

If you're all friends just put it out there "Your turn to host the sleepover next time".

Or just be glad that your house is seen as the cool place to be and let them crack on, it's not like it's every week.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 27/01/2024 12:27

The logistics are that her friend shares a room with her sibling and DD is not keen on going as it would be a new thing for her

I'm really not bothered about her staying over but a little appreciation wouldn't go amiss

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 27/01/2024 12:34

Just put it out there "Sounds great shall I send DD, she loves a takeaway?" and see what the response is. Her response will let you know if she is one of life's takers or not.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 27/01/2024 12:39

She doesn't message me unfortunately. All messages direct to her dd

OP posts:
Puddingpieplum · 27/01/2024 12:40

I don't think I ever thanked a friends mother for a sleepover as a teenager 😳I just saw it as my friends house, not her parents house IFSWIM. But if you're seeing the Mum regularly she should at least say "thanks for having her", but I wouldn't expect much beyond that.

Channellingsophistication · 27/01/2024 12:40

yes, your friend is being thoughtless and rude. I can understand it might be logistically difficult for your daughter to stay over but she certainly could thank you and surely DD can go over sometimes.

Quitelikeit · 27/01/2024 12:44

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Bkjahshue · 27/01/2024 12:45

i wouldn’t do anything personally as I wouldn’t want it to disrupt the friendship between the children and really it will if you say anything but also I’m not sure she’s your friend.

Babadook76 · 27/01/2024 12:53

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Quitelikeit · 27/01/2024 12:55

@Babadook76

Are you ok sweetheart? It’s a bit rude calling someone thick don’t you think?

Do you want to edit that post or shall I report you instead? XOX

WaltzingWaters · 27/01/2024 12:56

Yeah she’s rude. If it’s difficult for them to host sleepovers and you’re regularly doing it, she should at least thank you, send some snacks over, and invite your Dd for dinners/non sleepover meet ups.

Rocknrolla21 · 27/01/2024 12:56

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Have you read the thread back to front or something? The op isn’t annoyed at feeding her daughter’s friend. She’s annoyed that the friends mum won’t feed the daughter?
Op can you get to where they live easily? Maybe suggest they go over to hers next time and you’ll pick them up in a few hours?

Rocknrolla21 · 27/01/2024 12:57

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Original poster
Funkyslippers · 27/01/2024 12:57

Quitelikeit if you'd read my post properly, nowhere did I moan about anything apart from not being appreciated by my friend or her dd. I never moaned about feeding her or hers staying over

OP posts:
Rocknrolla21 · 27/01/2024 12:58

Funkyslippers · 27/01/2024 12:57

Quitelikeit if you'd read my post properly, nowhere did I moan about anything apart from not being appreciated by my friend or her dd. I never moaned about feeding her or hers staying over

Be careful or she’ll tell mn on you 😂😂😂

hangingonfordearlife1 · 27/01/2024 13:01

i think you should seperate your friendship from your daughters friendship. Totally seperate entities.

I do think the daughter should say thanks for having me or something- that's what i was always taught to say

CurlewKate · 27/01/2024 13:03

Does your dd enjoy having her friend over? Is it inconvenient for you? If not, I'd leave it. You don't know whats's going on in your friend's life and tally keeping is a soul destroying way to live.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 27/01/2024 13:05

Rocknrolla21 🤣

OP posts:
xyz111 · 27/01/2024 13:05

Do you drop the friend home? I would stop that.

OurfriendsintheNE · 27/01/2024 13:08

Presumably at 14 it’s the kids that are organising it though and you can see why they would choose your house to hang out rather than hers if they don’t have privacy there. It would be nice for your friend to invite your DD over to reciprocate but it could be that she’s suggested it and her DD hasn’t taken her up on it because yours is more convenient for them. I wouldn’t necessarily expect an invite for DD to family only events though.

HussellRobbs · 27/01/2024 13:08

I would cut down on the sleepovers and encourage dd to other friendships that are more reciprocal.

Siblings sharing a room is a poor excuse.