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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is my friend thoughtless?

57 replies

Funkyslippers · 27/01/2024 11:26

We have my 14 y/o DD's friend (my friend's daughter) over for a sleepover at least once a month. Usually provide snacks, drinks, breakfast obviously & sometimes, like last night, dinner if she hasn't already eaten. Never gets invited over by them. The logistics make it hard to invite DD over but it wouldn't be impossible.

My annoyance is my friend has never said thank you (neither does the daughter!), never sends her with any snacks or drinks and sometimes like today, has said she needs to be back at a certain time as they're having a takeaway to celebrate pay day. I would have thought they could at least invite DD over too. One time she even asked friend to pop home in the evening so she could join in with the family barbecue, then she came back to ours! Aibu to think it's quite thoughtless and think that either my friend or DD's friend could invite her to join them once in a while? I get on well with my friend, see her once every couple of months but wonder if I should say something

OP posts:
HalliwellManor · 27/01/2024 13:09

Yes your friend is thoughtless,especially with the BBq,if my DD was at a friend's and we were having a bbq that I wanted DD to be at,I'd insist she bring her friend too.
I think it's just basic manners and whenever my DD(10) goes to a friends house I've always thanked the parents for their hospitality for my DD,and we always invite them to ours next time.
This woman sounds like a right CF.

CreateHope · 27/01/2024 13:09

I regularly host my DS’s friends for sleepovers - we’ve become the house of choice! A lovely bunch of 14 yr olds and everyone of them says thank you to me every time they stay! I’m horrified that some PPs think this is too much to ask 😬

Quitelikeit · 27/01/2024 13:10

I have teens stay here and it never ever occurred to me to expect anything from their parents at all

Some say thank you when they leave and some don’t.

Some parents do return sleepovers some don’t.

Your daughter doesn’t want to
sleep there and if they have to wait until payday to afford a takeaway then they’re clearly strapped for cash hence not inviting your dd round to join in!

PBandJ111 · 27/01/2024 13:14

Why are you taking her home? Make her parents come get her!

CurlewKate · 27/01/2024 13:28

@Quitelikeit "I have teens stay here and it never ever occurred to me to expect anything from their parents at all"

You mean you don't keep a spreadsheet? Hand in your Mumsnet badge immediately!

beetr00 · 27/01/2024 13:39

@Funkyslippers does your daughter enjoy the sleepovers?

If so, I wouldn't be concerned about the rest, except.. the parent should pick up their own daughter.

Workwhat · 27/01/2024 13:40

I've realised some people are just cf takers in life and they have absolutely no idea. Not like the people who are cf and intentional, these people are normally just really self involved they wouldn't even think of the things you're talking about.

I also, unfortunately think they are the type to be very sensitive when pulled up on their behaviour. So I'd think about how you approach it, even though you're in the right.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 27/01/2024 13:46

I don't take her home. I usually just hear the door slam and she's gone! My DD loves the sleepovers. But I'm sure she'd also love to be included in a meal once in a while

OP posts:
baileybrosbuildingandloan · 27/01/2024 13:49

Mine was always the house full of sleeping over teens. I had 3 sons born within 5 years, so the teen years were busy. They always said thank you etc, but not the parents.
I would get your DD to lead by example"Thanks for getting us the snacks Mum!".
If you DD doesn't want to go there, looks like you're hosting. Try not to overthink it all. Your DD will look back in it so fondly in years to come.

Windymcwindyson · 27/01/2024 13:51

Next visit just say sorry you are skint. Provide basics only.

pikkumyy77 · 27/01/2024 13:57

Funkyslippers · 27/01/2024 13:46

I don't take her home. I usually just hear the door slam and she's gone! My DD loves the sleepovers. But I'm sure she'd also love to be included in a meal once in a while

Does she care about the meal or do you? I could not have cared less sbout meals at a friends house at that age. Even if the food was a treat eating with someone else’s family can be a strain. I think you, quite properly, feel taken advantage of by the mother—look at you counting the meals you have provided! But your daughter probably doesn’t care.

Pugdays · 27/01/2024 14:04

Why would she suggest having your dd
Your her childcare

TooMuchRedMaybe · 27/01/2024 14:13

It's so easy these days to just send a quick thanks by text but when I was a teen in the early 90s I don't think my parents called my friends parents if I had stayed over somewhere, neither did my friends parents to mine. I guess the problem isn't so much the lack of gratitude but the lack of reciprocity. If I could afford to feed my kids friend once a month I wouldn't make a thing out of it as I would assume there is a reason why my dd's friend doesn't want to have people around but it might be hard for her to articulate it or admit to it. I know the mother is your friend but if you only see each other every couple of months I'm guessing you aren't terribly close.

Ihadenough22 · 27/01/2024 14:35

I would feel the same in your situation. Her daughter is coming to your house for sleep overs at least once a month and probably on a Friday or Saturday night. Your feeding her and responsible for her as well.
Meanwhile she won't have your daughter on a sleepover. She probably makes no effort to even have your daughter over in her house during the day or bring her anywhere either.
I would tell your daughter the next time she ask can X stay over that it does not suit you.
I have no more sleep overs until your daughter friend starts bringing your daughter on the same.

In fact I ring her mother and say to her that you and your husband are thinking of going away for a weekend away and would she mind having your daughter that weekend? I also say I had your daughter here 10 nights in the past 6 months. Let her mother know that your on to her using you as a free child minding service. I know families like this and they expect other people to have their kids on sleepovers or drive their kids say to or from football and they never return the favour.

One of my friends got wise to being a taxi service for football and said to her kids friends parents I will bring x today and you can bring y ( her child) next week. Herself and the decent parents took turns and if something came up they made different arrangements.
The parents who were using my friend as a taxi service had to sort themselves out.
One of my friends is a sahm. A few times she got can x come here after school? She had one child who came to her house a few times but their parents never took her child on a Sat to their home. My friend said no to her kid bring this child home as she was not going to be free childcare.

Animatedapple · 27/01/2024 15:31

By the time kids are this age it’s really between them not the mothers.

CurlewKate · 27/01/2024 15:53

As I said- why does it matter? Your dd is happy. It's no bother to you.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 27/01/2024 16:01

TooMuchRedMaybe we don't see each other that much but when we do get together it's all very relaxed and I've known her for around 12 years.

I just know if it was my DD going for sleepovers at a friend's frequently I'd be sending a thank you text, say, every other time (and checking DD behaves herself!) and probably sending over a bottle of wine for instance every now and then. I always give little gifts to people who do this sort of thing

OP posts:
TooMuchRedMaybe · 27/01/2024 16:08

@Funkyslippers I don't think I would have at the age they are. When my kids were little I definitely would have thanked the parents at pick-up/drop-off but at 14 when they take themselves to and from the sleepovers and there is not really any child minding involved I would have trusted my kid to say thanks when they leave but possibly not remembered to double check that they had. I would definitely not sent presents over.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 27/01/2024 16:40

*TooMuchRedMaybe *i would send something over if it's a frequent thing

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 27/01/2024 16:46

Puddingpieplum · 27/01/2024 12:40

I don't think I ever thanked a friends mother for a sleepover as a teenager 😳I just saw it as my friends house, not her parents house IFSWIM. But if you're seeing the Mum regularly she should at least say "thanks for having her", but I wouldn't expect much beyond that.

Nor did I (and I'm going back 50 years here). I'm not proud of it, however.

CurlewKate · 27/01/2024 17:41

I remember my children's friends clattering out the door shouting "Thank you, X's mum!" as they went.

NeedToChangeName · 27/01/2024 17:49

I wouldn't expect the parent to thank you, or send gifts

If you can afford to host sleepovers, I'd be glad to be the house they want to visit

If you want to check you're not being used, ask a favour in return

OddityOddityOdd · 27/01/2024 17:52

The main thing that would get my back up is the lack of thanks from the sleepover guest, that's downright rude. In what circumstances is it acceptable not to thank the host, whatever age the guest.

HussellRobbs · 27/01/2024 17:52

Funkyslippers · 27/01/2024 16:01

TooMuchRedMaybe we don't see each other that much but when we do get together it's all very relaxed and I've known her for around 12 years.

I just know if it was my DD going for sleepovers at a friend's frequently I'd be sending a thank you text, say, every other time (and checking DD behaves herself!) and probably sending over a bottle of wine for instance every now and then. I always give little gifts to people who do this sort of thing

They’ve convinced themselves that they’re doing YOU a favour by sending their dd.

Scale back the sleepovers and let them miss them.

clpsmum · 27/01/2024 18:33

Yes definitely ask here wtf she's playing at and stop being a doormat and letting her use you and DD