Living with DD was awful, but now that she's moved out I worry about her constantly

[Mastmw7g]

My 20 year old moved in with us mid December and it was not a good living arrangement. She moved out two weeks ago and I expected to feel relief. Instead I am anxious. My husband has told me that she can't move back in with us and I'm so afraid she won't be successful at this attempt of independence and will find out this is his stance. I could see it irrevocably changing our relationship. But she only moved out two weeks ago. Shouldn't I simply believe in her and not fret about her potential failure?

Probably the best way to handle it is to offer support with whatever she finds difficult (budgeting? loneliness? Chores? )and then work in the relationship in other ways - take her out for lunch, plan a shopping trip, spend some unpressured time together. Is your husband her father?Either way you can present it as encouraging her independence rather than not wanting her living with you.

Anxiety may have been created during her stay as it wasn't going well. Now your brain is trained to be anxious it might just be the way it works.... currently. Catch those anxious thoughts and replace them. You can also give them silly names and this will help you to notice them and challenge them. "here comes Norman again when I know DD is fine".

Treatment used to suggest trying to ignore unhelpful thoughts but now it suggests noting them and replacing them consciously. It can be really effective.

My husband is her stepfather, but I think he would feel this way if any of our kids acted the way she does. She started a job before moving out and I make an effort to bring food and share a meal in her home on one of her days off.

Does she actually want you to do this or is she tolerating it?

@WandaWonder She tells me what food to bring and becomes upset when I say I should go after a couple hours, so I believe she wants this. I do know it could all change once she meets people her age and begins socializing.

Where was she living before she moved in with you in Mid-Dec? What did she do that made it hard to live together ?

I know you don't want her moving back in but a good way to try and build bridges might be inviting her over for dinner or Sunday lunch? It tells her she is welcome (albeit as a guest) and it sounds like she does need you however vile she's been.

Instead of obeying a man who seems to be your lord and master, have you tried to communicate with (a two way conversation), understand, and support your child properly?

If you are genuinely worried, gently easing her into moving out may be helpful, one day a week to start with, then two, then three, and so on, while she gets used to it.
I would then also allow her to visit often on her days off, come round for dinners etc.

Many vulnerable young people are subject to grooming, exploitation, drugs, crime, unwanted pregnancies and so on.

You need to make sure she has the proper tools and awareness to look after herself before shoving her out unceremoniously.

If she is crying when you visit for a couple of hours and then leave, does that mean the lord and master has completely banned her for the home? Are you on a curfew yourself?

Are you able to enroll her in hobbies and activities to keep her happy and occupied and help her pay for them if she’s on a low wage? This way she can make friends with like minded young people, thereby escaping loneliness and staying out of trouble.

Does he consider the home his only?
Is it not your home too, since you live there?

Your daughter sounds vulnerable or troubled in some way, do you know why?

A mean step father can very easily mess a child up for life?

Are you able to afford a rented or bought small home for yourself where your own children are allowed to visit?

Are you financially dependent on this man?

Why did you have a child if you’re not willing to help her or standup for her?

Women like you make me so cross. You damage entire generations.

Where was your DD living before December?

No man would dictate to me where my child can live.

She was in a houseshare before she moved in with us, but she didn't get on with her housemates and the feeling was mutual. She's quick to anger and very emotional, so I had to be very careful what I said or else she would begin crying and calling me names. We kept telling her she had to mind what she said around her younger siblings, and she simply argued that she wasn't hurting them. We only tried going out as a family once because she picked a fight with my younger daughter and started sobbing loudly in public and we had to leave, with her sobbing the whole ride home. My husband also has difficulty saying no to her, and the younger kids notice this now in a way they didn't when she was a teenager. So, there was a lot of resentment, especially from my younger daughter. But the biggest thing is probably the way we had to try not to upset her/keep her in a good mood because she could blow at any time. And the younger kids recognized this. If she started yelling pounding her fist on something, they would silently get up and go to their rooms without being asked. That's no way to live.

Your daughter seems to have the hallmarks of emotional instability, this is usually related to trauma.

Have the tried to get her psychological help either now or in the past? If not why not?

It seems a big leap from “my husband can’t say no to her” to “my husband won’t allow her to live with us”, how does that work?

@CoralPinks She comes over in the mornings before she goes to work to drop off her dog and then comes over after work to pick up her dog. She usually asks my husband to make her food before she leaves. She usually only stays for an hour unless she gets in a fight, then she refuses to leave and stays for hours.

She is troubled. In a lot of ways it's my fault because I let my husband overcompensate for being a stepparent by spoiling her and that's contributed to shaking her sense of autonomy, leaving her depressed, anxious, and dependent

Everything seems to relate back to “my husbands”, what has been your input into your daughter?

She did experience a lot of trauma before her dad stopped seeing her. It wasn't under good circumstances that she started living with us 100% of the time, and I did get her in therapy where we were told she needed strong boundaries from my husband, but he never followed through on that. He said it was because she had been through so much. He acts like she's only become this unpleasant person since she stopped living with us the first time, because she doesn't respect his time, acts helpless about basic things she needs to do to take care of herself, and then yells at him and calls him names.

I am not a psychologist but this is common in trauma children she is pushing him away to prove he doesn’t love her unconditionally. Hes had enough but much of this was of his own doing? She clearly really wants parents but is hurt and acting out. It’s ok for him to have boundaries but he has to remember that he created some of this situation it’s not all her fault. You also let this happen

We don’t know what actual support the mother has given, we do however know that she is “spoilt”.

The crying and not wanting to leave speaks volumes, my heart is breaking for her.

20 is still quite young, especially for this generation.

She and I didn't get along at all when she was a teenager. She thought my husband was perfect and I was evil. From June to December she lived in the houseshare and we started to get along. We spoke on the phone every day. Her relationship broke down during that time with my husband. She only called when she wanted something, and would yell and call names when he said he was working. She'd call me after and say he hung up on her, and I'd just listen.

It gets to a point where your adult children need to stand on their own 2 feet, as let's face it, us parents aren't around forever! I left home at 20 and I was fine. I won't push my kids out of my house, but I will be encouraging them to prepare for that stage of their lives and that inevitably, it will happen.

It is very sad that not only you have not had a good relationship with her for years, but that you have allowed important decision making and parenting to be done by your DH.

Sometimes, when you are speaking of her, it almost seems as though you are positioning her as a rival for your DH’s attentions.

Your first post made it sound as though he was being too harsh, now it seems he has been far too lenient.

Did you have a part to play in any of this at all? What were you doing when all of this spoiling or blanket decision making on whether she is allowed to return was happening?

Surely it is your child and you have the final say in her welfare?

The reason she thought I was so evil when she was younger was because he and I would be at odds. He would want to do something for her or give her something and I would say no and he would do it anyway. We almost divorced, which would have been a waste since we love each other, have kids together, and both love my oldest even if we had different approaches.

Have you ever come across a concept called personal agency?

Everything is someone else’s decision or fault.

I give up.

I hope your daughter will get used to having her own space and grow and heal emotionally despite all this passing the buck or whatever it is that you actually do.

There's no quick fix to this. Family therapy seems like the best plan.

@CoralPinks you have made an awful lot of assumptions about this situation 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

@dapsnotplimsolls We did family therapy when she was a teenager. I think it was useful, but my husband says he won't repeat the experience again. We do pay for her individual therapy. She's been in therapy nine years, but she changes therapists often.