Living with DD was awful, but now that she's moved out I worry about her constantly

[Mastmw7g]

My 20 year old moved in with us mid December and it was not a good living arrangement. She moved out two weeks ago and I expected to feel relief. Instead I am anxious. My husband has told me that she can't move back in with us and I'm so afraid she won't be successful at this attempt of independence and will find out this is his stance. I could see it irrevocably changing our relationship. But she only moved out two weeks ago. Shouldn't I simply believe in her and not fret about her potential failure?

my husband, my husband oh but MY HUSBAND…

“I think it was useful, but my husband says he won't repeat the experience again”

you clearly have your priorities set already.

I’m sorry you have felt the need to take this so personally, and have repeatedly resorted to calling me names, such as “spineless” and “disturbed”, to name just two.

Still, I’m afraid that’s not going to stop me standing up for vulnerable young ladies. Ever.

In future, it might help you to stick to the subject at hand, personal attacks will not help anyone.

I take bullies very personally- I dont like them and will call them out each and every time. Just so you are aware going forward. I also dont need advice from the likes of you. did it occur to you that the OP was vulnerable when she posted? Or were you too busy scaling the lofty heights of your Clydesdale at the time?

OP in my local area there are several drop in sessions available anyone who feels the need to chat. It’s run by a local charity and has proved very Is there anything similar where you live?

Hello, all. Just popping in with a polite reminder to avoid personal attacks - there are plenty of posts here which break our Talk Guidelines so please do try to keep things civil.

Not only have I read this thread, I've read at least three threads on the subject from this OP.

She is apparently reliant on someone cooking her evening meal and caring for her dog.

She bought a dog when she lived in shared accommodation (not a great choice IMO) that she had to leave, before the end of her tenancy because she didn't get on with her housemates. She drops her dog round to her mum's for some dog sitting when she is at work.

She's not reliant on anybody cooking her evening meals - she has lived independently at uni and in her houseshare before. The OP does that as something nice to do and to spend time with her.

She becomes distressed when her mother leaves her home alone.

She 'becomes distressed' when her mother leaves having visited for an hour. She is abusive towards her mother if she stays longer; in fact she is abusive towards her whole family on and off, as well as towards others who she has lived with - which is why she's living by herself now. She used to behave so badly when she lived with her mum and stepdad that her much younger siblings would avoid her. I don't disagree that she likely has issues, and would undoubtedly benefit from seeing if she needs a diagnosis from relevant professionals, but I don't think this automatically means that she is vulnerable. She could also just be a 20 year old who needs to get a grip and stop acting out.

Apparently she has been on Onlyfans - when know that young ladies are drawn into this sometimes when they lack support.

If you haven't read previous threads you may have missed that her mum has repeatedly tried everything she can to get her to stop going on OF. DD has not been on there through lack of other options, nor through lack of support to leave it, she's been determined that she's going to make a ton of money and find her fame doing cam girl work, and had been totally uninterested in the reality (that she's earning a pittance) and the other consequences that DM has repeatedly tried getting into her head about it all. She's been doing camgirl work in the house and walking around in lingere with her 7 year old sister around. She refused to get a Xmas temp job to save money up for a rent deposit on the assumption that her mum will eventually cave and pay it - mum paid the remaining months rent on her previous tenancy when she moved back in too.

It's great progress that she has another job now, but I anticipate that she'll be walking out of it any day now.

She's had therapy paid for, for years. On top of an awful lot of other support.

So - not functioning very well in any of her relationships and possibly has a personality disorder or mental health condition not yet diagnosed, yes. Vulnerable - I'm not convinced.

@Menomeno well she kinda was pushed out - because her behaviour was awful (see previous threads) and OP was wholly and repeatedly told on mumsnet to put her younger children first, as they were suffering.

If she had her way she'd still be acting abusively towards her family in their home, only working very part time on OnlyFans.

My sleep has been disrupted, but that could be from perimenopause. I've decided I should try therapy to learn how to better deal with anxiety. My worry isn't useful or productive here.

Mastmw7g I think it is an excellent idea to try therapy. It will give you a safe space to air how you feel and get some information on strategies that may help you. I feel for you. Its a terrible situation to be in and I can tell you are trying to hard to manage it.

@Persimmon23 Thank you. I've been trying to follow the advice from this thread on anxiety.

"Catch those anxious thoughts and replace them. You can also give them silly names and this will help you to notice them and challenge them."

You're astute to ask about sleep because it's so much harder to replace those thoughts while in a bed with my eyes closed. I hope to learn even more strategies in therapy.

I think I've been successful at not allowing my anxiety to cause my daughter anxiety. I know I post too much on here, but I'm much more careful with what I say to her.

Mastmw7g I think that's excellent advice. I was taught a strategy for coping with anxiety where you close your eyes and think of 5 things in that would feel different if you touched then, ie curtains, chair, window etc, 5 things that smell different, clothes, candle, wood burning stove etc. it forces you to be aware of the here and now and by asking yourself these questions you have distracted yourself away from the initial anxiety. That might help also?

Middle of the night anxiety is the worst in my opinion. The nights can seem endless as its difficult to distract yourself when its quiet outside and no noise of other people etc. Its telling of how committed a parent you are that you are trying to keep your struggle away from your daughter. you must of course post here as often as you need to.

@Persimmon23Thank you so much. I really appreciate all your help and understanding.

You are so welcome. I hope things improve for you soon.

Hi OP

I can relate to this as one of my siblings has worse than you, EG, a daughter livig with on an almost free basis had the biggest bedroom and the parents did not want her to pay for anything other than when she demaned special health drinks, chocolate they told her to pay for the, The daughter has a good job and was divorced after a few months of marriage as she just could not keep her trap shut. Their daughter was gifted money to buy an apartment in greater london for cash and still she critised her parents argue normally with her dad and heated exchanges. Then dad kept trap shut as his wife blamed hi and the dad tod his wife just wait and see - within a couple of weeks she turned on mum

after several warning they told her best to move into her place, 5 mins from parents - so 4 months later she moved innto her apartment as she needed to give notice to tenants and do it to her likling - the daughter is a better person for it
Mum worries like you and dad worries a bit lesss - often parents especially mums will worry more re girls - time will reduce worry - hope it works out and try and arrange an agreement on her visit to your place and what can be said it