Living with DD was awful, but now that she's moved out I worry about her constantly

[Mastmw7g]

My 20 year old moved in with us mid December and it was not a good living arrangement. She moved out two weeks ago and I expected to feel relief. Instead I am anxious. My husband has told me that she can't move back in with us and I'm so afraid she won't be successful at this attempt of independence and will find out this is his stance. I could see it irrevocably changing our relationship. But she only moved out two weeks ago. Shouldn't I simply believe in her and not fret about her potential failure?

Did she leave this time round because she was (or felt) pushed out? It’s really difficult when they leave and then return, even when there’s no bad behaviour or acting out. I find ours revert to childish behaviours (just minor things like expecting to be waited on and cooked for, or never mucking in around the house), even though they’ve lived perfectly well and independently previously, and it can cause a lot of resentment. Is she playing up to try to guilt you because she feels unwelcome?

If your 20 yo daughter was a 20 year old son who moved out of a flat share where he didn;t get along with the other resisents and it was mutual .Red Flags there eh? Then moved in and had frequent episodes of uncontrolled weeping , fist thumping and argueing , to the point that the younger siblings took themselves out of the room unprompted .
Didn't care if the siblings were witness to temper and swearing .

I wonder how the replies would differ .

They'd be get this narcissist voilent ManChild out of your house . He's an ADULT. Cut the ties . Send him a supermarket delivery if you must but only meet outside your home . Protect your children

<sigh>

Why won't he repeat the experience? Was he told some hard truths?

coral you are emotionally battering this lady who has simply asked for help. She’s not neglecting her daughter - she’s trying to support her as best as she can. Lord and master comments aren’t necessary and smack of projecting. Stop bullying the OP please - it’s cruel and unnecessary

I have taken the time to sit and write several helpful suggestions to the poster in how she can better support her daughter.

Have you done the same apart from engaging in some unofficial moderating and silencing of differing opinions? This forum is called AIBU, naturally some answers may find the OP unreasonable.

You say that I am projecting, are you closely identifying with OP?

Parenting that does not take enough responsibility can be damaging and dangerous and I won’t sugar coat that I’m afraid.

In the meantime, do you have any useful suggestions for the OP?

I don't think so. I think he doesn't want to spend extra time with her. Even though he spends more time with her than I do. I know it's only been two weeks but she keeps asking him to help her with things instead of asking me. Installing things, building furniture. But he doesn't stay longer than he has to. I always spend at least two hours talking with her and keeping her company.

Is your daughter still doing her webcam/only fans work or does she have a different job now?

@EmilyTjP She got a regular job where she's an employee. She feels like I pestered her into that and I was very selfish to do so, but it was important to me. As far as I know, she plans to continue doing onlyfans.

My husband did most of the work of getting her to move out. She may think it was her idea, but I feel like he manipulated her. He said it's not like that, and more like dealing with a difficult client at work. But I did the same thing with making her get a job, so I shouldn't fault him for finding a way to do it that leaves her in a good mood whereas my efforts resulted in a lot of conflict.

coral I’m showing some compassion and solidarity to a lady who is struggling and trying to do her best. Please dont hide your venom behind the cloak of being helpful - taking the time as you put it to write helpful suggestions will not negate the earlier suggestion that the OP is parenting poorly or a slave to her “lord and master” as you put it.

OP it’s so difficult to find yourself in a position such as this. Whilst you want your daughter to be happy and independent you still must have such anxiety about it especially if you feel she is struggling. I don’t have any experience of this but I wanted to acknowledge your dilemma and say I think you are doing the best you can. Could you perhaps talk through the issue with an independent person who knows you both?

I remember your previous posts OP, your relationship with your daughter sounds very difficult and I'm not sure apportioning 'blame' is helpful. That said all three of you adults need to take responsibility for their actions and make a plan to resolve the issues going forward. Your daughter is an adult now, working a full time job and living on her own, she does need to learn to be self sufficient. By all means support her, visit her regularly and keep her involved with your family but don't accept abusive behaviour from her towards you or anyone else. Actions have consequences and if she continues to act like a helpless child and scream and insult people she will push everyone away. You need to make it clear to her that you will always love her but won't tolerate shitty behaviour. She will figure it out eventually.

I think you are right to support your daughter in moving out. She needs to try and it will be so good if she succeeds. A road to independent adulthood.
For her, it seems, she is destined to live alone because of her personality. It's fine that she takes a while to adjust and fine that you visit. See the big picture, the long term picture.
Take it one day at a time.
Don't over parent her but visit like a friend once per week.
She has a job. Compliment her on her small successes but don't be a walkover.

My useful suggestion would be that she doesn't take your vitriol to heart. Perhaps therapy would be a better place for you to unload.

It wasn't a very successful or happy time when our oldest daughter lived with us but now she's much happier and much more well adjusted. Moving out has given her a maturity and independence and although the path through that troubled period was hard for her she's now doing amazingly well. You can still support your daughter but sometimes moving out is for the best.

Oh, I thought this sounded familiar. It's the Only Fans DD.

You're getting different advice each thread because you're leaving out the history and only a few of us each time have read and remember your past threads.

I think you are right to support your daughter in moving out.

not least because she was awful when she moved back in.

I feel sorry for her, she's been messed up and it isn't her fault. Even the language of 'she was living with us' feels wrong. She was living at home. She sounds immature (again, not her fault) and she's been made to grow up and leave before she was really ready. It's so sad that she gets upset when you have to leave her.
Yes, you need to protect the younger ones happiness. But you really need to find a way to look after her, because she needs that from you.

coral is your response to each person calling you out on your nastiness to suggest that your words have hit a nerve. Did it occur to you that some people don’t tolerate people like you who use a public forum to bully, belittle and undermine others. Perhaps ask yourself why you are like this?

OP how are you today? Did you manage to rest at all? When I’m worried I tend to find myself awake at all hours which makes the anxiety so much worse the next day so if this is how are you feeling today I totally understand. I hope you aren’t as down and that things are a little brighter?

I have just as low a tolerance for irresponsible parenting and their apologists, the consequences for this vulnerable young lady could be enormous. The potential pitfalls for OPs daughter cannot be stressed enough.

Your opinion isn’t anymore valid than anyone else’s.

Now, kindly stop bullying and undermining my differing opinion where I have found the OP unreasonable and go about your business and stop derailing the thread.

If you want an official moderating job, put in an application.
Do not attempt to silence me again,

the consequences for this vulnerable young lady

what's the evidence that this young woman is vulnerable, please?

Where to begin?

Op has said her daughter has experienced trauma in the past.
The daughter has quite severe elongated distressed crying episodes, in public and at home.
She is apparently reliant on someone cooking her evening meal and caring for her dog.
She becomes distressed when her mother leaves her home alone.
Apparently she has been on Onlyfans - when know that young ladies are drawn into this sometimes when they lack support.

The young lady sounds like she has quite severe mental health issues and needs assistance with daily independence, maybe even to the extent of requiring a support worker.

Have you read the thread?

I believe you to be quite ignorant of the potential long term and generational ramifications this type of parenting and minimising can produce.

Again, you are not necessarily more knowledgeable of the situation, nor is your viewpoint more enlightened or superior.

Now stop harassing me, I had long since stopped posting on this thread, yet you continue to target me for censoring. This is a public forum and not your personal house.