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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being awful here?

60 replies

Sarahsaraj · 27/01/2024 07:58

I am on a dream hol with DP of 2 years. We are early 30s no kids. Some cracks have been showing in our relationship, for me at least for the past year or so.

He’s a great guy, kind, generous, but it doesn’t feel completely right for me always.

Anyway things rose to a bit of a head today when we decided to arrange a transfer for the second leg of our trip. I spoke with the hotel to arrange it, found a website to book the boat trip on, found the nearest pier to our hotel, did most of the leg work. Asked him to sort the actual booking part out and whilst he was doing it, he started asking how to do it - website is unclear, what do you think this means, what do you think that means. I had to log on myself and make suggestions.

This isn’t a one off thing. When we are home, I do most of the cooking (enjoy it and he says I’m better) but then when he does it, again he’ll ask me how to cook fish or how to rescue a sauce. I’m finding it annoying! He is very senior and competent at work! Why can’t he just take ownership at home?

finally I made coffee for us both yesterday morning in bed, using the hotel’s coffee maker. Asked him to give me a coffee today in bed. He started crashing around, couldn’t fix the water element onto it, I had to get up and do it… Why is it so hard?

I lost it earlier and told him that I wasn’t happy with him doing all this. Why does he expect me to solve all the problems? He apologised etc etc but given he has many good points, am I expecting too much? Being too harsh? For example I am applying for jobs atm and he has written a couple of emails for me on holiday… very kind of him. Ofc I would do the same.

im just upset at the learned helplessness element!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahsaraj · 27/01/2024 08:00

I told him that I feel like sometimes he just doesn’t try… but equally expects me to. I haven’t had a lesson in how to use the website but I just get on with it.

i think he struggles with practical tasks sometimes but it’s not really on me to sort those for him. I’m not his nanny or his mum…

OP posts:
qwertyuiopasfghjklzxcvbnenk · 27/01/2024 08:03

I was with a guy like this for 6 years, I couldn't cope with it and ended the relationship. It felt like he was my child.
My husband is the complete opposite and it makes life so much easier.

squirrelnutkin23 · 27/01/2024 08:05

I call it performative uselessness, he is making a big scene about how he can't do things in the hope that you'll just take over and do it for him. Very irritating and unattractive.

WhatsInANameDearBethany · 27/01/2024 08:08

Run.. it doesn't get any better and if you have children you'll be trapped with a man baby.

Try an enjoy your holiday but get your ducks in a row when you get home

Midnlghtrain · 27/01/2024 08:08

2 years in and a year or so of cracks? Doesn't sound fab off the bat!

I would say it depends on the person, my DH is slightly useless at somethings but amazing at others. Ask him to make tea, it's likely it won't go amazingly! But he's got 101 great qualities to make up for it - he's chief holiday booker, adventure planner, incredibly thoughtful, picks me up little surprises from the shops, thinks of me all of the time and takes care of me in so many ways.

Unless he's doing similar and being incredible in lots of other ways - I'd be reconsidering things. If he's just expecting you to look after him in every single way and making zero effort to do the same for you, it's very thoughtless.

Thingsthatgo · 27/01/2024 08:09

I think you're being too harsh. Unless you think he's doing it on purpose.
My Dh has a good, well paid, job, but there are some tasks he find tricky, and so I help him. Equally, there are things that I find more difficult and he is happy to help me. That is what a partnership is about.

Lainey0930 · 27/01/2024 08:11

When you’ve been with someone a while you start to notice stuff they do that really annoying that you put up with in the beginning when you’d first met! For example, my husband always has the volume on his phone really loud when he’s watching stuff. He’s doing it now and I’m trying not to strangle him 😂. There’s other stuff that gets on my nerves but it sounds like he’s trying so try to relax and enjoy your lovely holiday.

79andnotout · 27/01/2024 08:12

My partner of 12 years is a bit like this with organisation, planning, reading instructions, working to any kind of schedule. So I handle all those things. He is very practical and thorough and good with our dogs so he takes on a lot of those tasks. He also has a senior job which he seems very competent in but I think the tools are there to help him organise himself. Our system works but I still get annoyed it takes him forever to leave the house and he forgets to get off the right train stop frequently etc but I try not to show it. If we'd had kids the relationship probably wouldn't have worked out but we didn't so I accept his annoyances as he accepts mine (of which I have many,).

saltnvini · 27/01/2024 08:14

If he hasn't done it before then I can see why he might be unsure about the transfer. The rest of it... figure it out! Or cook something you know how to cook! I couldn't be dealing with this and I'd leave him.

Scarletttulips · 27/01/2024 08:18

DH if 20 years does this - it’s annoying.
We have an argument about it this week - DS applying for a basic job, needs to email a CV - nope rang me at work about 5 times - he has never once called me when he’s applied for his own jobs.

sorrynotathome · 27/01/2024 08:19

Try not pandering to him. You take over because you're impatient and he knows that you will do things just to get them done. Try saying "just sort it out it's not difficult" and see what happens. Many men do like to appear useless at tasks they consider to be beneath them and would rather someone else did.

CaineRaine · 27/01/2024 08:21

squirrelnutkin23 · 27/01/2024 08:05

I call it performative uselessness, he is making a big scene about how he can't do things in the hope that you'll just take over and do it for him. Very irritating and unattractive.

Totally this, I’d put money on him not flapping like this at work when faced with an unfamiliar task! Drop the rope, stop engaging and I bet he magically works it out for himself. A very unattractive trait in a person though, quite childlike.

chopc · 27/01/2024 08:22

This is a tactic used by my DH and taught yo our sons by him as he thought it was funny! Just stop doing it for him and he will soon figure it out . After all , he is not "thick" right?

ElevenSeven · 27/01/2024 08:25

Ex was like this. I gave up and found a real man.

It was the thought of children having a useless dad that pushed me to do the right thing in the end.

SpeedyDrama · 27/01/2024 08:29

Weaponised incompetence. This is how it starts but it often goes unnoticed until you have kids and suddenly all basic admin seems to be completely beyond the man. It’s excused as ‘oh men just don’t get these things like women’, then when it’s completely out of control the same women cry ‘but didn’t you realise he was useless when you met him?’ (Or worse, ‘poor man, can’t you write him a list?’).

It may not seem like a relationship ending thing, but it will grind you down if it carries on.

Avacardo2023 · 27/01/2024 08:36

Listen to your gut and get out now. He's in his 30s and will not change. If you are not planning kids then you might be able to put up with his incompetence for a bit longer but if you do want kids then please get out now and do not have them with this man. You will end up serving him for your whole life like another child and will end up doing absolutely everything, and when you try to say anything he will say you do it because you enjoy it or that you like to control everything.

Snowdogsmitten · 27/01/2024 08:42

Helpless men (contrived or otherwise) = ick. On a grand scale.

Beryls · 27/01/2024 08:43

Anything to do with booking anything like a holiday etc has to be me, if I left it to my partner we wouldn't go anywhere.

However, our deal is that I do the booking then when we get there it's all up to him. For example we are going to London in a couple of weeks. He knows that the train/tubes/navigation of London is solely up to him as I am completely useless at this and would be lost within 10 minutes. He's very good at that part.

We work it out that way, everyone has strengths and weaknesses and once you've worked out it's great.

However if he pretended he didn't know how to operate a kettle in a hotel room he'd be gone.

Does he take over the things that you aren't very good at? If it's all on you ow it'll be that way forever.

Pussycat22 · 27/01/2024 08:45

Some men should NEVER leave their mummies !!!!! x

Mumof2NDers · 27/01/2024 08:46

DH of 25 years is exactly the same. I’ve always just got on with everything. I don’t know why but I’ve noticed it more and more over the last few years. Don’t know if it’s because I’m menopausal and worn out.It’s like having 3 children!

Mumtime2 · 27/01/2024 08:47

Was he once married or had everything done for him?
Can he not think in a common sense way besides work.
I huge turn off when they try cook tea and flip out for nit knowing what to do.
2 years the honeymoon stage sure begins to become the is he really going to do this or say that again era.

unsync · 27/01/2024 08:48

Manchild. Throw him back.

MinaM · 27/01/2024 08:49

I mean I don't see an issue with someone saying how do you use this or what do I press here.

Mumof2NDers · 27/01/2024 08:50

SpeedyDrama · 27/01/2024 08:29

Weaponised incompetence. This is how it starts but it often goes unnoticed until you have kids and suddenly all basic admin seems to be completely beyond the man. It’s excused as ‘oh men just don’t get these things like women’, then when it’s completely out of control the same women cry ‘but didn’t you realise he was useless when you met him?’ (Or worse, ‘poor man, can’t you write him a list?’).

It may not seem like a relationship ending thing, but it will grind you down if it carries on.

^. All of this!!
I get quite frustrated by it now. As you rightly say it grinds you down. Recently DS2(16) asked my why I get so angry with his dad. I told him it’s not anger , it’s frustration. He (straight faced) said “it must be hard bringing up 3 kids on your own”! 😂😂

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/01/2024 08:51

Now is the time to stand back and let him get in with it. See what happens. If he starts to get in with it, then you know it will be in. If he makes a big song and dance about it and continually makes a bad job of it, the. You know he's not a keeper.