Am I being awful here?

[Sarahsaraj]

I am on a dream hol with DP of 2 years. We are early 30s no kids. Some cracks have been showing in our relationship, for me at least for the past year or so.

He’s a great guy, kind, generous, but it doesn’t feel completely right for me always.

Anyway things rose to a bit of a head today when we decided to arrange a transfer for the second leg of our trip. I spoke with the hotel to arrange it, found a website to book the boat trip on, found the nearest pier to our hotel, did most of the leg work. Asked him to sort the actual booking part out and whilst he was doing it, he started asking how to do it - website is unclear, what do you think this means, what do you think that means. I had to log on myself and make suggestions.

This isn’t a one off thing. When we are home, I do most of the cooking (enjoy it and he says I’m better) but then when he does it, again he’ll ask me how to cook fish or how to rescue a sauce. I’m finding it annoying! He is very senior and competent at work! Why can’t he just take ownership at home?

finally I made coffee for us both yesterday morning in bed, using the hotel’s coffee maker. Asked him to give me a coffee today in bed. He started crashing around, couldn’t fix the water element onto it, I had to get up and do it… Why is it so hard?

I lost it earlier and told him that I wasn’t happy with him doing all this. Why does he expect me to solve all the problems? He apologised etc etc but given he has many good points, am I expecting too much? Being too harsh? For example I am applying for jobs atm and he has written a couple of emails for me on holiday… very kind of him. Ofc I would do the same.

im just upset at the learned helplessness element!

You want an equal partner in life.

He wants a chef, a housekeeper, a secretary and a sex toy, all rolled into one human being; you.

Tell him to act like a partner because otherwise what's in it for you?

He's like a weighted rucksack you have to carry around, rather than someone who shares the burden of life's tasks with you; he's making your life harder whilst you make his life easier - why would anyone continue with that?

I think it depends how much he does for you. What is he better at than you?
The cooking can easily be sorted, stop doing it all.
Different subject, I’m crap at hotel coffee machines and would be the one crashing around.
I think if you’re already seeing cracks in your relationship then it’s not a good sign.

It's sometimes called weaponized incompetence - you are doing the bulk of the mental load as well as doing the other stuff you mentioned.

He surely knows how to make a cup of instant coffee? Depending on the hotel, they may even have a nespresso machine in the room so it's not rocket science.

Organising the other stuff just shows a complete detachment of him from the situation and he leaves it up to you because he knows you will end up doing it.

I don't think that I could be with someone who is like this as I think I'd lose respect for them over time.

I think you’ve just got the ick - and once it comes it doesn’t usually go away 😫

I had one like that. Utterly useless. Mind you, it turns out it wasn’t just performative - everything I’ve seen in the twelve years since we split has reinforced my belief that he really is as useless as he seemed.

Run, don’t walk. It’s exhausting and ultimately a right turn-off.

This sill only get worse if you have kids. Cal it out now, see if it changes, and if it doesn't, give up.

my husband of 21 years is like this... its exhausting

IME this is one of those “once you’ve seen it, you can’t un-see it” relationship issues - all the tiny incompetencies will start to grate on you more and more as time goes on. It can be deeply unattractive to have someone depending on you in a child-like/pathetic/submissive way (unless you’re into being dominant!). Even if you adore your partner in other ways, it becomes a turn-off. Sadly my first partner was like this - I stayed too long, hoping he’d grow out of it - but he never did. The patterns were set early in our relationship and I just got so weary in the end I walked away. I broke both our hearts when I did - it was like kicking a puppy.

Did the 21 years just start adding up and life got in the way?

I've heard this so often from people, usually with deep regret. (Ignore if painful or intrusive.)

So just let him do it. He's a grown adult. You (and probably the other women in his life, mothers/aunts/sisters) have done it all for him. Next time he asks you how to make fish sauce...."You're a grown man, I know you can figure it out". Can't figure put how to make a simple cup of coffee? Let him crash around until it gets done. How does this website work? "I don't know but I trust you'll figure it out". Eventually, he'll either get used to doing stuff for himself or you wake up and leave him.