Am I being awful here?

[Sarahsaraj]

I am on a dream hol with DP of 2 years. We are early 30s no kids. Some cracks have been showing in our relationship, for me at least for the past year or so.

He’s a great guy, kind, generous, but it doesn’t feel completely right for me always.

Anyway things rose to a bit of a head today when we decided to arrange a transfer for the second leg of our trip. I spoke with the hotel to arrange it, found a website to book the boat trip on, found the nearest pier to our hotel, did most of the leg work. Asked him to sort the actual booking part out and whilst he was doing it, he started asking how to do it - website is unclear, what do you think this means, what do you think that means. I had to log on myself and make suggestions.

This isn’t a one off thing. When we are home, I do most of the cooking (enjoy it and he says I’m better) but then when he does it, again he’ll ask me how to cook fish or how to rescue a sauce. I’m finding it annoying! He is very senior and competent at work! Why can’t he just take ownership at home?

finally I made coffee for us both yesterday morning in bed, using the hotel’s coffee maker. Asked him to give me a coffee today in bed. He started crashing around, couldn’t fix the water element onto it, I had to get up and do it… Why is it so hard?

I lost it earlier and told him that I wasn’t happy with him doing all this. Why does he expect me to solve all the problems? He apologised etc etc but given he has many good points, am I expecting too much? Being too harsh? For example I am applying for jobs atm and he has written a couple of emails for me on holiday… very kind of him. Ofc I would do the same.

im just upset at the learned helplessness element!

It’s as he can’t be arsed. If he wanted to do these things he’d make an effort. It’s as you’re asking him to do it, and he really can’t be arsed to do so, he’s just not making the effort.

I think this can be a common trait in men. My own DH is very competent at some things but if asked to get on and book a holiday it's a real drama and lots of checking. I'll ask him to do something then have to provide so much guidance I may as well do it myself.
I have noticed if I stop talking and move away or say can you sort it please he can get in with it.
Try that

DH can be like this but woe betide anyone who tried to help him.

He's useless at practical things, had zero spatial awareness and zero understanding of how hard to press buttons or put lids on things. Though he is good at navigating websites

Sounds like weaponised incompetence to me.

I think it's fine if both people don't necessarily do everything, as long as i) it balances out in other ways and ii) you know they'd take it on if they had to. I buy dh's clothes (he's not interested and has zero sense of style), do all the finances, insurance (apart from car), and tax returns, the laundry, all birthdays/Christmas, dr/vet and most school stuff. It sounds like a lot of mental load, and in a way it is, but he does the bins, almost all the food shopping and more of the cooking than I do - he enjoys it, I find it a chore more often than not - and gets up first to do lunchboxes etc most days. Cleaning's shared. Fair deal IMO. Also, if I said 'I don't feel like doing the tax return this year, why don't you have a go?' he would absolutely sit down and learn - asking for help and information, sure, but not flapping around passive-aggressively until I came to his aid.

It does sound like it could be weaponsided incompetence. But whether it is or it isn’t, it doesn’t sound like this is the man for you, you shouldn’t be feeling that there are cracks this early on.

O god, he’s me! I had to give up transferring the slide on tag from one collar to another yesterday then I couldn’t work out how to pay my HMRC bill last night because I needed to be on the website and have my bank app both open on my phone 🙈

I was just thinking the other day how nice it is to be married to a competent person. For dh as well as me. A very attractive quality.

Cut your losses. Not your job to train him out of this.

I get annoyed at my DH sometimes when he asks me a question for which I could not possibly know the answer, while he is sitting there with his phone in his hand. For example, 'what route does the bus take now?' It has changed recently and we don't get the bus anyway so there is no reason why I should know the answer. I now answer him by letting him know that I would have to look that up so why doesn't he do that?
However, to be fair, I am the repository of a lot of useless knowledge so quite often I do know the answer to something there is no reason for me to know. It helps greatly in pub quizzes!
He also asks me to look at the ingredients, cooking times etc. on packets when he can see that I'm not wearing my glasses and he is wearing his. I can see better than him when I'm wearing mine, but there isn't a hope in help of my being able to read that small print. I would have to go and get my reading glasses, he also has reading glasses... why doesn't he just go and get his!
He is very good at most other things though.

If you have only been together 2 years, and cracks have been showing for the last year or so, that's half of a 2 year relationship, that's not a long relationship and half of it has been cracks showing..
Personally I would have called it a day by now.

Most people have strengths and weaknesses, I've been with my DH 21 years, he is brilliant at most things, he can turn his hand to almost anything, but there are little picky things that he never does quite right, but I take his weaknesses because his strengths as a person far outweigh them.
Same for me, I have my weaknesses, but he takes them as he believes my strengths far outweigh them.

I will not and never have mothered a man, he needs to be able to do or work out, at least the basics to get by in life. I don't mind if we need to work things out together, I wont take over to let him off the hook of doing the basics. Set your line in the sand from the start.

I said UABU but having read all the comments I understand why others say opposite. It depends on context to me. Is the relationship equal in other ways? Are your strengths and weaknesses balanced and the give and take of every day life normally good? I think holidays can tend to show up things that are normally not much of a problem. It’s everyday life that definitely needs to be good.

If you are sure it’s weaponised incompetence then of course it will mean a hard life for you and be a massive strain. To me there’s a risk of being cynical about simple human fallibilities, but there are lots of things I find very hard to do well, not for lack of trying or wanting to (like some websites🙄). My DH (decades of marriage) is incredibly kind and patient and if I ask will show me how to do stuff. It is a balanced relationship with a lot of give and take. I do the same for him and kindness is at the heart of it. We can both sometimes exasperate each other but only you know if this is a dealbreaker. For me, this is one of the things that makes us stronger together because we support each other.

If he is otherwise lovely and you love him, in my opinion, it’s worth trying out stepping back sometimes or showing him how to do some things but equally getting to share skills and help you. Tea/coffee in bed is an ultra important thing to be able to do equally well as someone who has been the alternate beneficiary of this for forty years😀

I’d just start replying with “google it” and nothing else to see how that pans out! Particularly with things like how to work a coffee machine, how to cook X, how to rescue a sauce etc.

This is what my DH used to do with me if I asked for help with anything technical and it sure did work because it was annoying getting the same reply each time!! 😅

If it’s annoying you now it will always annoy you. Time to move on.

When I was at school a male teacher told us about how his wife sent him to do the shopping with a list and he half-arsed it thinking he wouldn’t be asked again. She gave him all the wrong items to take back then and there, and a new list, and repeated this several times (he went to the shop something like four times in one day!) until it was right.

He said he now does things right first time because she will make him repeat it until it’s what she asked him to do.

Break the cycle - don’t step in when he struggles! He needs to learn to figure it out himself. It may well be a lack of confidence and wanting to avoid disappointing you.

I think it depends on if he’s consistently useless. My OH is dyslexic so filling out forms or anything admin related he’s terrible. He’s very good in other ways though so we just organise responsibilities which play to our strengths. As such I don’t feel like I do everything.

Weaponised incompetence
can’t work out a website? Yeah, right

This reminds me of a friend of mine. I’m very fond of him, but he had taken strategic incompetence to a whole new level. His wife literally did everything involving the house, the children, household admin, finances. She proposed and arranged their wedding, including looking up addresses for all his friends (with whom he’d fallen out of touch) etc. and, when she eventually gave up, she had to send him rental listings and arrange the removal van.

I'm sorry OP, but I do feel that the things you mention are really trivial tbh. If he's a good partner, who is kind and generous, but a little hopeless at times, is that such a deal breaker? Really? I can't believe that people are telling you to dump him!! There are so many worse things that a partner could be!

My OH is lovely. He's kind, generous and wonderful with my kids (he's not their dad). He is ND so struggles with life admin and paperwork, plus due to being kicked out of his home as a young teen he has always struggled to understand a lot of life admin stuff. So I help him with this part, as I'm good at it. He always pays his way and is happy to do so, and he is helpful around the house.

Performative and strategic incompetence - as other PPs say. No difficulties in the workplace, only in a domestic or social setting.

It wears very rapidly and it's difficult to maintain adult attraction to someone who behaves like this.

Don't have children or you'll be looking at this list (see current thread).

https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-dad-privilege-checklist

Some people are not good with ‘stuff’. I’m not, but I feel strongly about managing so do try.

He might be just not practical, he might be indulging in learned helplessness. But you find it annoying and it gives you the ick.

I was very senior at work, took huge responsibilities in knife edge negotiations, etc. Sometimes at home I long for a hugely practical, energetic DIYer of a man to move in and look after me…

OP - you are doing well, do not give up. Be brutal and genuinely angry at these behaviours. ‘I’m leaving the room now. You can do it. Don’t ask me again’. Etc.

It can be cured. It just requires you to recognise it for what it is.

You'd be crazy to have a baby with someone who is so useless.

Personally I wouldn't find this annoying and I'd find it sweet and would love being able to help him out.. But if its annoying you , then leave now!! It's going to annoying you more over time. Or at least have a chat with him first , tell him how you feel see if he can step up a bit!!

Heaps of men are like this. Personally I can't stand it. Nothing more sexy than competence.

My exdp used to be like this. How do I use this website? Can you book this for me? How do I order this? How do I cook a bloody stir fry? Yet he also had good points- he done all the DIY, garden and car stuff as well as alllllllll the ironing!!

Dp on the other hand- Cooks, cleans, does DIY, books us trips away, orders me surprises, decorated, Sorts out his own accounts.attempts to do something himself even if he finds it difficult. It’s soooo much easier!

You have to balance whether these small things are worth putting up with for the value that he adds to your life. Sometimes my dp is useless but he is very pure and caring and puts a lot of effort into our relationship. And I have to consider my downfalls that probably annoy him a lot, but I obviously add enough value that it's worth it