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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to do some childcare on his weekend off?

74 replies

Mumofboys23 · 26/01/2024 19:48

Rambly story for context:
My husband works in sports so is away most Saturdays throughout his season. On a home day this is usually 8-8. Away trips are often Friday afternoon until even gone midnight. He has worked in this industry since I met him so this is what I expected. As a result my weekend plans (I’m a teacher so Monday - Friday) are child friendly or we go visit friends that have space for the boys to stay too. Not a lot of going out out but I do enjoy spending time with them and friends.
in September I was invited in a hen do in Scotland, not a close friend but as he happened to not be working a asked him if he would mind me going away for the weekend. All fine, everything booked - decided to so early Saturday to spend Friday evening with him and the boys.
All fine until a couple of weeks ago when a friend of his from uni sends a message chasing him for an rsvp to their 40th birthday party. That’s also this weekend. Rather than send his apologies he gives a vague maybe and then asks a friend of ours who sometimes stays over to look after our dogs if we go away to come and have look after our children (4 & 2). Without even mentioning it to me. The boys like this person and they’ve helped out on the odd morning or afternoon in the holidays before but never overnight and don’t have much experience of doing this. Had he been organised (which he never is and is a bone of contention already) I could have cancelled with decent notice as actually his friend is closer than the one I’m going on the hen for. As he didn’t I’ve agreed to give someone else a lift to the airport and home so I can’t cancel. I have told him I’m uncomfortable with the arrangement and he has said he can understand why I would think that but it’s just one night. Am I unreasonable to be pissed with him for palming our children off on a friend when he agreed to be home?
TLDR: husband is leaving our children with a friend so he can drive 4 hours for a piss up

OP posts:
Windymcwindyson · 26/01/2024 19:50

You don't get time off from being a parent until they leave home.
Does he think he is a single man and not a df?

coconutpie · 26/01/2024 19:51

YANBU. Your husband is a selfish prick. He needs to cancel his plans. If he refuses, I would tell him either he cancels his plans and puts the safety and wellbeing of his DC first or he can fuck off and won't be welcome back.

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/01/2024 19:53

Your husband needs to cancel his plans. You arranged your plans first and you'd think he'd want to spend a rare weekend with his own children.

Marblessolveeverything · 26/01/2024 19:54

He agrees it's not great but yet he is prioritising his fun over his children? Exactly what on earth are his priorities?

Notimeforaname · 26/01/2024 19:55

He sounds like a selfish prick.

2Old2Tango · 26/01/2024 19:56

That's disgraceful of your husband. So this friend, who has little experience of children, is being asked to look after your dogs and the two young DC overnight? I would not be happy with that at all.

Ideally your husband should turn down the birthday party. If he refuses, are there no grandparents who could help out?

Newnamesameoldlurker · 26/01/2024 19:59

Surprised at these replies- if the person he asked is a competent adult, happy to babysit, and the children like them then I don't see an issue with you both getting to do your thing? Hen do and 40th are both big events and it's important to nurture our friendships as we get older

Missgemini · 26/01/2024 20:00

Wow! I have no words. Some people are just beyond selfish!
How can he justify this exactly? I wouldn’t feel ok with this plan OP!

Witchbitch20 · 26/01/2024 20:01

Selfish knobhead

Marblessolveeverything · 26/01/2024 20:02

Newnamesameoldlurker · 26/01/2024 19:59

Surprised at these replies- if the person he asked is a competent adult, happy to babysit, and the children like them then I don't see an issue with you both getting to do your thing? Hen do and 40th are both big events and it's important to nurture our friendships as we get older

"have told him I’m uncomfortable with the arrangement and he has said he can understand"

He understands it's not a great fit, this isn't an emergency it's a clear case of being a selfish prick.

Peakypolly · 26/01/2024 20:03

He has made arrangements for the DC without it impacting your plans so I can't help but see his point of view. However, this clearly indicates that he see's no pleasure, nor any importance in spending time with his DC(my DH also works away much of the time, and therefore can't wait for me to be away so he can do 'daddy' time without me saying, "it's too noisy", "it's too late", "there's to much sugar" etc.)
Enjoy your weekend then, when you return, sit down together and calmly discuss how your current circumstances make you both feel.

Catapultaway · 26/01/2024 20:03

I'd be fine with it. Don't really see the big deal. Looking after kids for one night hardly needs years of experience, none of us have experience till we start doing it.
It will be fine, go and enjoy your hen do.

Missgemini · 26/01/2024 20:04

@Newnamesameoldlurker it’s not an evening event though. I firmly believe parents need to do nice things for their own mental health. This is overnight! My 2 kids would not be happy one bit with this, especially when they wake in the night for cuddles. The kids are too young for this plan.

Catapultaway · 26/01/2024 20:06

Peakypolly · 26/01/2024 20:03

He has made arrangements for the DC without it impacting your plans so I can't help but see his point of view. However, this clearly indicates that he see's no pleasure, nor any importance in spending time with his DC(my DH also works away much of the time, and therefore can't wait for me to be away so he can do 'daddy' time without me saying, "it's too noisy", "it's too late", "there's to much sugar" etc.)
Enjoy your weekend then, when you return, sit down together and calmly discuss how your current circumstances make you both feel.

I fail to see how going to a friend of 20+years 40th birthday party indicates he sees no importance or pleasure in spending time with his kids.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/01/2024 20:06

I don't see the issue

You are going out /away

He was having the kids

He been invited now

He's sorted out childcare

You can both go out and kids looked after

Windymcwindyson · 26/01/2024 20:07

If you referred to it as childcare to dh that was your first error. It's parenting. Imo make sure you leave the house first. He can get the place and dc sorted for his babysitter...

Missgemini · 26/01/2024 20:07

@Catapultaway but this is very last minute. OP clearly said she would have cancelled if he’d organised himself a bit better. Now OP will probably be worried on the hen do, if she still goes.

saltnvini · 26/01/2024 20:08

At that age your kids will want their dad if you're not around

SleepingStandingUp · 26/01/2024 20:10

It isn't great BUT I would say - how long is he away? Is he leaving at midday and coming back late Sunday or leaving at 6 and home by midnight? Will he be there in the morning?

Do you know how this person feels about it? Are they genuinely happy or been coerced?

Just make sure you leave first. Even if a change of plan means you need to leave Friday. He's closer so he's contact for babysitter. He's not going to leave them home alone so if it all goes tits up, he needs to be the one picking up the mess

BetterWithPockets · 26/01/2024 20:14

Newnamesameoldlurker · 26/01/2024 19:59

Surprised at these replies- if the person he asked is a competent adult, happy to babysit, and the children like them then I don't see an issue with you both getting to do your thing? Hen do and 40th are both big events and it's important to nurture our friendships as we get older

This…

Original poster
Mumofboys23 · 26/01/2024 20:15

Usually yes my parents would help but my sister‘s birthday this weekend too so they have my nephew.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/01/2024 20:24

I'd be pretty fucked off. More so because it would become my problem to ensure that every last thing was in place for the childcare person down to your parents numbers, gp, food in fridge and a bed made up:/ spotless home.
2 and 4 is fine. They may never offer again but they've been roped in now and your parents are close by if there's a dire emergency.

Ponderingwindow · 26/01/2024 20:29

It would only be ok if he had found a babysitter that both parents were completely confident and comfortable with. Instead, op gets to spend her break worrying about the children. It’s not the same break that was originally agreed.

Original poster
Mumofboys23 · 26/01/2024 20:33

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/01/2024 20:24

I'd be pretty fucked off. More so because it would become my problem to ensure that every last thing was in place for the childcare person down to your parents numbers, gp, food in fridge and a bed made up:/ spotless home.
2 and 4 is fine. They may never offer again but they've been roped in now and your parents are close by if there's a dire emergency.

This is it, I’ve had to sort out the spare room as was a mountain of washing. I’ve done a food shop and made sure they’ve got easy dinner for tomorrow and was even asked what they’ve got for dinner by dh.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/01/2024 20:37

Time to develop a mid week hobby when he is around. One that you go to straight from work. A few more evenings pulling his weight on a v regular basis sound s in order.

And a week away solo out of "season"

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