To expect my husband to do some childcare on his weekend off?

[Mumofboys23]

Rambly story for context:
My husband works in sports so is away most Saturdays throughout his season. On a home day this is usually 8-8. Away trips are often Friday afternoon until even gone midnight. He has worked in this industry since I met him so this is what I expected. As a result my weekend plans (I’m a teacher so Monday - Friday) are child friendly or we go visit friends that have space for the boys to stay too. Not a lot of going out out but I do enjoy spending time with them and friends.
in September I was invited in a hen do in Scotland, not a close friend but as he happened to not be working a asked him if he would mind me going away for the weekend. All fine, everything booked - decided to so early Saturday to spend Friday evening with him and the boys.
All fine until a couple of weeks ago when a friend of his from uni sends a message chasing him for an rsvp to their 40th birthday party. That’s also this weekend. Rather than send his apologies he gives a vague maybe and then asks a friend of ours who sometimes stays over to look after our dogs if we go away to come and have look after our children (4 & 2). Without even mentioning it to me. The boys like this person and they’ve helped out on the odd morning or afternoon in the holidays before but never overnight and don’t have much experience of doing this. Had he been organised (which he never is and is a bone of contention already) I could have cancelled with decent notice as actually his friend is closer than the one I’m going on the hen for. As he didn’t I’ve agreed to give someone else a lift to the airport and home so I can’t cancel. I have told him I’m uncomfortable with the arrangement and he has said he can understand why I would think that but it’s just one night. Am I unreasonable to be pissed with him for palming our children off on a friend when he agreed to be home?
TLDR: husband is leaving our children with a friend so he can drive 4 hours for a piss up

Depends if the babysitter is trustworthy surely? I'd rather he made arrangements than expected me to cancel my plans to suit him.

Ugh no, YANBU at all! My husband has tried to pull this kind of shit in the past.

I'd say the vast majority of dads just don't think in the same way that the mums do. He thinks that this arrangement will be 'good enough' without putting any thought into it.

Of course you don't want to leave your very young children with someone who has little experience of childcare, just so he can go out on a jolly and not miss out.

He's a Selfish arse and only thinking about himself. I'd tell him no and do NOT feel guilty about it.

I can’t believe you would have cancelled your plans if he’d given you enough notice! Why is he and his friends the priority?!

stop being a doormat, he’s acting like a single
man!

Really hate when folks say, you didn’t have to etc… regarding cleaning, food shop. Her DH won’t have done it. We read about it all the time on MN. My DH wouldn’t do it.

My DH recently said “oh, I’ve worked through for two weeks now. I was like “What? You were off work at the weekend?” No, he had to mind DS while I worked, so hadn’t had time off…

Agree with this.

It's more important to nurture your family this man leaves him a wife to it every Saturday is it too much to ask for one Saturday out of 52

This ....he must get time off in the week wonder if he has the children rather than nursery does the housework etc?

Exactly should have been a sorry mate x is already away that weekend and as she never gets a break from the kids I can't be a selfish twat and ask her to cancel let's meet up on x

Why did you do that? Let him sort it

His plan is bad because you'll both be far away and drinking. If your two year old freaks out, or one of the kids is ill, you wouldn't be able to get back quickly.

If it was a case of dh getting kids to bed, then friend being there overnight just in case but dh is close by, that would be different. He's risking real distress for kids if they need you, friend doesn't know how to handle it and you're both hours away, sozzled.

I can’t see the issue with this one off. Not his fault he usually works and the event is for a close friend.
Totally agree though about the expectation that you will be the default person to clean, plan, shop and generally fret about everything being in place for the babysitter. That should be his job. He probably just wouldn’t do it though.

I'd be absolutely pissed off if he'd asked someone without checking with me first! Is the person a competent adult who'll be able to handle both young children?
I wouldn't be impressed with him one little bit!

Good lord. Leaving 2 preschoolers with the dogsitter, who they don't even know? I'm amazed that the dogsitter agreed to this.

Have you at least agreed who will come back in the event of an emergency? Presumably if you're a flight away it would need to be your DH, in which case he needs to not drink so he can drive home if need be.

I would be reconsidering the relationship. He sounds unbelievably selfish.

"Good lord" 🤣
How's he selfish, he's not asked her to cancel her plans, he's arranged a babysitter (the one you class as the dogsitter only, who the kids dont know), who they have used before during the day, and the kids like... so I would imagine reliable and trustworthy, or do people become untrustworthy in the evening only... vampire maybe?
A competent adult can deal with an emergency.

Quite. The "dogsitter" is a trusted friend and babysitter. He's not rocked up at the kennels asking who's free.

I see the cool wives are out on this thread! The OP said the sitter is "a friend of ours who sometimes stays over to look after our dogs if we go away... The boys like this person and they’ve helped out on the odd morning or afternoon in the holidays before but never overnight and don’t have much experience of doing this." I'm pretty laid back but I would not feel great about leaving such young children in this situation. It really wouldn't have hurt the OP's DH to turn down the party invitation and stay at home himself so that she can have full peace of mind to enjoy her rare night away.

You're the only one that can sort this.

What does he usually do when he IS home?

I agree.

DH also said he can understand why OP feels uncomfortable but that it basically doesn't matter because it's only for one night.

He also agreed to watch his children and I'd be irritated that he didn't seem bothered about a rare opportunity to spend a weekend with them.

I am also quite surprised by the number who happily think 4 and 2 is an acceptable age to leave with an inexperienced carer overnight when both parents are 4+ hours away

I’d often get a phone call and have to come back early even when I left them with grandparents at that age. I’m sure they would have survived if I hadn’t come back, and I know lots of people’s children are more used to parents taking trips, but mine were a nightmare to settle at the best of times.

Are your kids used to having different people do the bedtime routine? How are they usually when neither of you are there at bedtime?

I'm certainly not a "cool wife," but I truly don't see an issue with a familiar babysitter doing an overnight. What exactly is the concern with that?

My issues would be mainly about DH going back on him saying that he'd be the one to watch the children because that is what I'd be most comfortable with.

Other issues

DH acknowledges and understands that OP is uncomfortable but is dismissing her feelings because it is 'just one night'.

4 and 2 are very young ages. Is the 2 year old going to wake up in the night looking for mum or dad? Will they be settled with someone they don't know very well at night?

The distance. Both OP and her DH will be far away (4+ hours).

OP not going out very often and the fact that her night was all arranged first.

I understand where you are coming from OP however it's very clear your DH was not going to let having the DC affect him.

I think the best way, but not easy for many mums, is just to express that you are not happy but let him get on with it. I would then do no prep whatsoever and make it clear that you were not to be contacted and that he is on duty and the contact.

I really don't understand why you sorted dinner and the spare bedroom!

He does school and nursery drop off. Works all week too and two evenings a week. Pays for the cleaner on a Friday.