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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to do some childcare on his weekend off?

74 replies

Mumofboys23 · 26/01/2024 19:48

Rambly story for context:
My husband works in sports so is away most Saturdays throughout his season. On a home day this is usually 8-8. Away trips are often Friday afternoon until even gone midnight. He has worked in this industry since I met him so this is what I expected. As a result my weekend plans (I’m a teacher so Monday - Friday) are child friendly or we go visit friends that have space for the boys to stay too. Not a lot of going out out but I do enjoy spending time with them and friends.
in September I was invited in a hen do in Scotland, not a close friend but as he happened to not be working a asked him if he would mind me going away for the weekend. All fine, everything booked - decided to so early Saturday to spend Friday evening with him and the boys.
All fine until a couple of weeks ago when a friend of his from uni sends a message chasing him for an rsvp to their 40th birthday party. That’s also this weekend. Rather than send his apologies he gives a vague maybe and then asks a friend of ours who sometimes stays over to look after our dogs if we go away to come and have look after our children (4 & 2). Without even mentioning it to me. The boys like this person and they’ve helped out on the odd morning or afternoon in the holidays before but never overnight and don’t have much experience of doing this. Had he been organised (which he never is and is a bone of contention already) I could have cancelled with decent notice as actually his friend is closer than the one I’m going on the hen for. As he didn’t I’ve agreed to give someone else a lift to the airport and home so I can’t cancel. I have told him I’m uncomfortable with the arrangement and he has said he can understand why I would think that but it’s just one night. Am I unreasonable to be pissed with him for palming our children off on a friend when he agreed to be home?
TLDR: husband is leaving our children with a friend so he can drive 4 hours for a piss up

OP posts:
Crabble · 26/01/2024 20:40

Childcare arrangements with a third party need to be agreed between both parents. op isn’t comfortable with this person babysitting because she thinks her children might not like it, and seemingly she’s not being unreasonable as her Dh acknowledges why she feels like this.

I don’t think he should have unilaterally made plans to leave them with someone who has never had them overnight before without discussing it with OP. I’m also surprised given he apparently rarely gets weekend time with them that he didn’t want to go somewhere for the day with them.

MummytoAAandX · 26/01/2024 20:44

I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself with both of you being so far away if anything happened. 4 and 2 is very young as well. If mine wake in the night they want cuddles with a parent, not a babysitter they don't know very well. Might just be me as I'm a worrier but I couldn't do it

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 26/01/2024 20:45

Mumofboys23 · 26/01/2024 20:33

This is it, I’ve had to sort out the spare room as was a mountain of washing. I’ve done a food shop and made sure they’ve got easy dinner for tomorrow and was even asked what they’ve got for dinner by dh.

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You didn't have to...

Therealjudgejudy · 26/01/2024 20:48

Why did you do all the prep? You're are being a total doormat and your husband is a selfish twat.

Catapultaway · 26/01/2024 20:50

Crabble · 26/01/2024 20:40

Childcare arrangements with a third party need to be agreed between both parents. op isn’t comfortable with this person babysitting because she thinks her children might not like it, and seemingly she’s not being unreasonable as her Dh acknowledges why she feels like this.

I don’t think he should have unilaterally made plans to leave them with someone who has never had them overnight before without discussing it with OP. I’m also surprised given he apparently rarely gets weekend time with them that he didn’t want to go somewhere for the day with them.

Where did she say she thinks her children won't like it, all she mentioned was her children like this person.
My DH was away last week, I had a late notice work event, a mum friend from nursery agreed to pick up and babysit for the evening... I didn't have to ask permission from DH first.

Crabble · 26/01/2024 20:54

Catapultaway · 26/01/2024 20:50

Where did she say she thinks her children won't like it, all she mentioned was her children like this person.
My DH was away last week, I had a late notice work event, a mum friend from nursery agreed to pick up and babysit for the evening... I didn't have to ask permission from DH first.

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Ok, I assumed the reason for OP being uncomfortable was related to how her kids would feel. Maybe it’s a different reason - but it’s a valid reason whatever it is as her DH hasn’t said her discomfort is unreasonable.

I personally dont think picking up from nursery and watching a child for the evening as a last minute arrangement is the same as an overnight which is planned in advance

SheSaidHummingbird · 26/01/2024 20:56

Mumofboys23 · 26/01/2024 20:33

This is it, I’ve had to sort out the spare room as was a mountain of washing. I’ve done a food shop and made sure they’ve got easy dinner for tomorrow and was even asked what they’ve got for dinner by dh.

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I understand your feelings OP but you're enabling his behaviour. Why bail him out all the time? He won't learn repsonsibility because he doesn't have to; he knows you'll cave and do it all.

Catapultaway · 26/01/2024 20:59

Crabble · 26/01/2024 20:54

Ok, I assumed the reason for OP being uncomfortable was related to how her kids would feel. Maybe it’s a different reason - but it’s a valid reason whatever it is as her DH hasn’t said her discomfort is unreasonable.

I personally dont think picking up from nursery and watching a child for the evening as a last minute arrangement is the same as an overnight which is planned in advance

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He stayed overnight, no point wakening him up. So 2 days notice is fine and I didn't need to seek permission, but 2 weeks is too much?

Vinrouge4 · 26/01/2024 21:02

Why do you put up with it? Why wasn’t he sorting out dinner and the spare room?

Crabble · 26/01/2024 21:04

Catapultaway · 26/01/2024 20:59

He stayed overnight, no point wakening him up. So 2 days notice is fine and I didn't need to seek permission, but 2 weeks is too much?

Show quote history

Well that’s a matter for you. I personally would not make overnight arrangements for our two year old knowing that their father was uncomfortable with them. It’s not about “permission” it’s about communication and respect for the other parents.

if it was 2 days notice for you and their father expressed he was uncomfortable with the arrangement and you proceeded anyway then I would have acted differently to you, yes. If I had 2 days notice I would have discussed it with my husband, yes. But If your DH was fine with the arrangement then it’s totally different to this situation where he knows OP is unhappy with the situation but is prioritising a party.

LovesFood1987 · 26/01/2024 21:07

Who does this man think he is?!

Parenting is 24/7, the weekends should be equal between you.

Sounds like an absolute knob and you'd be much better off without him!

Catapultaway · 26/01/2024 21:08

Crabble · 26/01/2024 21:04

Well that’s a matter for you. I personally would not make overnight arrangements for our two year old knowing that their father was uncomfortable with them. It’s not about “permission” it’s about communication and respect for the other parents.

if it was 2 days notice for you and their father expressed he was uncomfortable with the arrangement and you proceeded anyway then I would have acted differently to you, yes. If I had 2 days notice I would have discussed it with my husband, yes. But If your DH was fine with the arrangement then it’s totally different to this situation where he knows OP is unhappy with the situation but is prioritising a party.

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I didn't, because I don't, and neither would he, seek permission in advance. But them we trust each others judgement, maybe not everyone has that and need to talk it through.

Crabble · 26/01/2024 21:12

Catapultaway · 26/01/2024 21:08

I didn't, because I don't, and neither would he, seek permission in advance. But them we trust each others judgement, maybe not everyone has that and need to talk it through.

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As I say. It’s not permission it’s communication and respect for each other as joint parents, but maybe not everyone has that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/01/2024 21:21

I’ve had to sort out the spare room as was a mountain of washing. I’ve done a food shop and made sure they’ve got easy dinner for tomorrow and was even asked what they’ve got for dinner by dh.

Well you've screwed yourself then.

Catapultaway · 26/01/2024 21:21

Crabble · 26/01/2024 21:12

As I say. It’s not permission it’s communication and respect for each other as joint parents, but maybe not everyone has that.

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Sounds exhausting communicating trivial decisions a parent can simply make themselves when they teist each other. Where do you draw the line. Every snack / every activity?

Crabble · 26/01/2024 21:33

Catapultaway · 26/01/2024 21:21

Sounds exhausting communicating trivial decisions a parent can simply make themselves when they teist each other. Where do you draw the line. Every snack / every activity?

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Personally I don’t think leaving a 2 year old in someone’s care overnight is “trivial”

DonnyBurrito · 26/01/2024 21:42

Picking snacks is DEFINITELY in the same category of importance as picking a babysitter to be entirely responsible for the well-being of your vulnerable infants overnight. You are so right.

Missgemini · 26/01/2024 23:51

Agree with you completely @Crabble

OP, why have you tidied up for his plan? When my DH invites people round, I make sure he’s the one tidying up. Also, the audacity of asking you about their dinner for that evening. Please stop enabling his behaviour.

Restinggoddess · 26/01/2024 23:57

So your DH has not had both kids by himself for say a weekend?
the issue is that he has no idea what is inviting a weekend with small children because you have done such a great job because of his job
he needs a weekend at home with the kids
I would also be tempted to let parents and friends know when this is happening so that they can’t just mop up for him - he needs a massive reality check about you, your demanding job and how you enable him to do his job
HUGE wake up call required for him

MumChp · 27/01/2024 00:04

If my husband acted like that he would be single in no time.

MissersMercer · 27/01/2024 00:09

He's a bad dad. Don't know why you sorted out the house and food shop. You should have made it clear he was looking after his kids.

DonnyBurrito · 27/01/2024 07:47

I get why OP did all that work to facilitate his impromptu babysitter... Because she wants it to run smoothly, for the sake of her kids, so she can at least try and reassure herself with that while she's away. I think it's obvious her kids dad wouldn't have done the same. She did it because she's a good mum, not a push over.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/01/2024 09:19

I'm guessing it's this weekend since you were running around trying to sort it all.
Have a lovely time and put it all out of your mind for now. Your kids will be fine. Take stock when you get home.

Mumof2teens79 · 27/01/2024 09:24

I think you are being very reasonable
I mean I think the lift to the airport is an unnecessary excuse...you could still cancel in an emergency (one of kids ill) and they would have to get themselves to the airport but that's not the case. You booked first, his is last minute.

I absolutely should not have tried to arrange overnight babysitting without speaking to you.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 27/01/2024 09:29

Mumofboys23 · 26/01/2024 20:33

This is it, I’ve had to sort out the spare room as was a mountain of washing. I’ve done a food shop and made sure they’ve got easy dinner for tomorrow and was even asked what they’ve got for dinner by dh.

Show quote history

But that's not your job to do.

He arranged for the third person to come down, so he should sort out the food, room and everything around it.