Finally realised I'm not the problem

[Finallyseeingthelight88]

After years of being told that everything I do is wrong, I'm useless etc I have finally realised its not me with the problem.

And all it took was an argument over a box of cornflakes!

DH gets upset if I open the bag of cornflakes all the way as it makes them go stake. Sometimes I forget but always fold the bag down. The last box I opened carefully, to the middle but where its been used for a few days its now about three quarters open. According to DH this isn't acceptable and on par with opening it all the way. When I got the sellotape out to fix it the argument started and I have been called an F'ing C - all over a box of cornflakes.

I am done. So done.

Everything I have done over the last few years has been wrong (I don't parent correctly, I don't work correctly, I work too much, don't give DH enough attention) and finally I have realised its not me

I am devastated and relieved at the same time

Ducks first.

I know I need to get everything sorted just not sure where to start

Well done on your moment of clarity. He sounds like a prize arsehole.

Do you have any idea what you’d like to do next?

No, you're not the problem and you never have been mate ❤️

Make your plans, share them with someone you trust and leave. Life really is too short.

I think the worst thing that I am struggling with and probably why I have held on for so long is the children. I don't want to go to seeing them every other weekend.

Between football and work DH isn't around a lot of weekends so not sure how much that will change but the thought of not seeing them every day is killing me.

But I also know its not healthy to go like this.

I wouldn’t worry about eow. If he’s out at weekends anyway how likely is he to stop so he looks after the kids the weekend he has them?

your relationship is no example to the kids, and is hurting you, the kids will pick upon that

ducks in a row and go

https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/bevara-sealing-clip-set-of-26-mixed-colours-00524174/

Get these in the interim to shut him up 😭.

Now you know, you know, iykwim!

You’ll have to hide the disdain you have for him on your face.

Good luck. Happy life awaits.

I'm in a similar (though not so bad) situation. My kids' dad is an arse. Not abusive, but a dick , completely useless as a parent, and I would have asked him to leave years ago (I own the house and we're not married) except then he'd probably have them every other weekend. He wouldn't really want them, and definitely would completely ignore them, but he'd make a point of looking like he wanted to see them. So I wouldn't see them, and they'd be fairly much ignored/neglected when with him, and that is the main reason I let him stay. Though secondary school for the youngest is looming, and that will probably be the trigger to send him on his way.

Men like your husband aren't bothered about seeing much of their kids, so you really don't have to worry about that.

Make it your mission in life to get away from him as quickly as possible. Your kids have witnessed enough abuse, I'm sure.

Anyone that calls their partner a C is a total low life in my opinion. It won't be easy but this is the start of your new beginning. You've got this!

As pp said- food sealing bags.

ultimatum time- treat you with respect or leave.

Well done OP. Good luck getting out x

A friend of mine husband was sabotaging the relationship to the point to criticise her cooking. She is an excellent cook. Anyway, it turn out he was having an affair and wanted my friend to break with him. Your description reminded me of what she told me. Calling you the C word is contempt. I would say you need to move on with your life.

@duckydoo234 sorry to hear you going through the same

Thank you tk everyone for the replies. I'm sitting here at the moment going through stages of being upset and relived and also trying to see what I need to sort out.

Arguments have been going on for years if I'm honest. I don't even know when they started really

Luckily I work full time in a relatively good paying job and half of not more of the house is mine

@Finallyseeingthelight88 , honestly, this is, not only to myself, but similar too so many women. I feel like I'm constantly fighting for my rights as an equal human being to my DH. We ve been together 28 years and still nothing has changed. Now, I always have stood up for myself, but it goes in one ear and out the other. He's totally oblivious.😤😤😤😤

The children thing is hard. But honestly you'll get used to it. And so will they.

Tip the cornflakes over his head ....and kick him out!

Dh and I agree that calling your spouse the c word is the end of the line.

But getting worked up abour how someone else opens a packet of cereal is incompatible with sharing a life. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Why wait?

@Teasie123 this is how I feel

I think it's because we had years of being just us where he got my undivided attention then the children came along and he can't cope with having to share my attention.

He goes to football most weekends so I'm obviously not that bad of a parent if he can go put every weekend

Please don’t let your children grow up in an environment where this behaviour is seen as normal and accepted.

If it gives you more strength to go thinking about it in those terms, use that thought. Well done for your moment of clarity!

Well done for realising that. Sounds exhausting and walking on egg shells constantly is crap.

OP reading this made my blood run cold and I did a double take wondering if I had written it myself. You are doing the right thing.

My moment of clarity was when he called me a fucking useless cunt for using the wrong type of potatoes in the dinner. Nothing I do is right he constantly criticses every single thing I do. I talk to DC wrong, I put things away wrong, dress DC wrong, explain things badly, work too much (and not enough), clean wrong, buy the wrong products, it's endless. He has to control every single aspect of the house.

You're right to leave, godspeed to you!

I'm in a similar position OP. Slightly easier because we don't have kids together and our DCs (from previous relationships) are now late teens. I booted him out last weekend. I've pretty much gone NC since. It's my house and he's had to go stay at his mums.

The way I can finally breathe in my own house is amazing. The whole house has a totally different atmosphere, really relaxed. Some men just cannot help themselves but to assert dominance - that's the way I see it.

The straw that broke the camels back for me was when he kicked off saying i never do anything for him because I wouldn't order him a takeaway because I was busy cleaning the kitchen. Well guess what, I'm doing fuck all for you now, get lost. There's been a lot of other shitty comments thrown my way over the years, all to try and put me in my place.

14 years together, 6 years married. All gone. He's probably thinking wtf happened. I'm slowly learning to realise life is so much better without him. It's early days but I'm feeling really positive about things.

Good luck OP, hope you can find the strength to kick him out. The initial fear and anxiety really is worth the peace.

Sorry to hear other people are going through as well.

Other recent arguments have included not being able to have a proper facetime conversation with my daughter when I was out for dinner (in a noisy restaurant)

That I left a cupboard door slightly ajar (literally 1cm, not even open)

That I work too much (wfh 3 days a week) and don't take enough breaks during the day to do the washing

Youngest DC is 2.5 and Insists on holding hands when we are out walking (I have no issue with this!) But apparently I'm not encouraging independence by letting him hold my hand so he feels comfortable

Giving dc's a biscuit (one custard cream) when they get home from school/nursery as he thinks they won't eat their dinner (they eat it all!)