Finally realised I'm not the problem

[Finallyseeingthelight88]

After years of being told that everything I do is wrong, I'm useless etc I have finally realised its not me with the problem.

And all it took was an argument over a box of cornflakes!

DH gets upset if I open the bag of cornflakes all the way as it makes them go stake. Sometimes I forget but always fold the bag down. The last box I opened carefully, to the middle but where its been used for a few days its now about three quarters open. According to DH this isn't acceptable and on par with opening it all the way. When I got the sellotape out to fix it the argument started and I have been called an F'ing C - all over a box of cornflakes.

I am done. So done.

Everything I have done over the last few years has been wrong (I don't parent correctly, I don't work correctly, I work too much, don't give DH enough attention) and finally I have realised its not me

I am devastated and relieved at the same time

The freedom will be uplifting op.
My exh was very similar.. Threatened to leave when his sulking didn't work. The day I told him to move out is up there in my top 20 best memories..

I left my H who was similar, because of the children. I didn't want them growing up thinking it was normal or ok, how he behaved. It's not been easy, but I was a much better parent to them once he was out of my head.

My eldest is now (ten years later) in therapy and realising how her dad is the problem, not her. But she can escape him whenever she needs to and that's the main reason I left, to give them peace for at least some of their childhood. So they know what a peaceful house is.

It's really hard. There's no ideal option. You just have to do the best for your kids.

What strange things to be irritable about.
I am glad you have options.
Your first week's of freedom means you reel in family and friends or confide in someone supportive.
The following weeks you begin to enjoy your freedom, non abusive unhappiness.
The guys got life problems with the cornflakes! Wanker.

he'd probably have them every other weekend. He wouldn't really want them, and definitely would completely ignore them, but he'd make a point of looking like he wanted to see them. So I wouldn't see them, and they'd be fairly much ignored/neglected when with him, and that is the main reason I let him stay.

^ sorry that you and OP are in these situations. I know men who take the kids eow just because not to would make them have to face how shit they are.

That I work too much (wfh 3 days a week) and don't take enough breaks during the day to do the washing

Are you me? Mine rocks up at 3pm after his shift and has a go at me for not having cleaned the house or done the shopping during the working day. I have a much more demanding job than him and earn three times as much. But because I'm "at home sat on my arse all day " (really: because I'm a woman) he expects me to do all the housework. If I say I'd lose my job hs goes "yeah, yeah".

@VampireWeekday that is my dh. His job is shift based and reactive so he can have days where he doesn't even do any work and another team comes in at the end of his shift to pick up any unfinished work, where as mine is full on and if I don't't get the work done it is still there for me the next day!

He also complains when I finish late (generally work 9-5) I was on a call that ran over to 5.03 the other day and he kept whatsapping me 'tick tock', and 'you're late'.

Are you afraid of his temper?

WTH to your latest update. Are these men real?! Why don't you passive aggressively open all of the cereal packets, even the spares, completely. Or buy one of those plastic boxes and put all of the cereal in it together. If real his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

I would just eat something else for breakfast always & leave him to his own cereal box.

Does he ever compromise ?

Ffs this isn't about management of cereal boxes, it's about abuse.

Way to spectacularly miss the point.

If it was the cornflakes he was bothered about, he'd have bought some of these years ago.

Sounds very much like my ex. It started with occasional criticism over trivial matters and over the space of about twelve months it escalated to the point where I literally couldn’t do anything right. If it had happened overnight I’d have been off like a shot but it was so gradual and looking back he was slowly chipping away at my confidence. If it had continued I’d be a nervous wreck by now!
I’m so glad you can now see that it’s not you. When I came to that realization I made the decision to leave and have never looked back. Thankfully we didn’t have kids. I understand that leaving wouldn’t have been as straightforward if we had but you owe it to your children (as well as yourself) to remove yourself from this situation. You don’t want them to think this is acceptable behaviour. They need to understand that they shouldn’t tolerate this kind of treatment in a relationship, nor should they treat anyone else like this.
It sounds like you’ve already made your mind up anyway, good for you! Wishing you all the best and although you might have the odd ‘wobble’ along the way just keep reminding yourself that you are absolutely doing the right thing, for you and your children

WOW! It doesn't matter how long it's taken OP, you've seen the light!! Congratulations! Now you can start living again. Yes, you will probably go through some pretty tough days over the next few weeks /months, but it will be worth it not to live with this critical, controlling shit! As for calling you what he did, if my husband or any other man called me that, he'd be oh so accidentally, wearing a pan of boiling water, when I just happened to trip while walking past him! The more I hear about men like this, the angrier I get. I'm just incredibly grateful that my DH is a good, kind, and caring man, but then again, if he wasn't, he wouldn't be here.

Good luck for the future OP.

He also complains when I finish late (generally work 9-5) I was on a call that ran over to 5.03 the other day and he kept whatsapping me 'tick tock', and 'you're late'.

how unbelievably stressful to have to live a life of stress and clock-watching like this. You should not feel on edge with a call that slightly runs over in your own home. Imagine a life without this.

I didn't miss the point !

I would not put up with this XXXX for so long !

Sounds like a slow boiled frog

I would rather be single than live unhappily & I have done

I have the utter rage on your behalf on the WhatsApp messages. I cannot imagine a universe where a DH would think this was acceptable. Yours is clearly a mysoginistic, controlling aresehole. So pleased you have seen the light and amazed he hasn't been buried under the patio

The future is bright OP.
Ducks in a row. All the paperwork etc. Then get rid.
He sounds absolutely horrendous.

He also complains when I finish late (generally work 9-5) I was on a call that ran over to 5.03 the other day and he kept whatsapping me 'tick tock', and 'you're late'.

I am lost for words. Who the actual blithering fuck does he think he is?????

unless you being late is causing him significant difficulties (I’m talking missing a flight or loved ones funeral!) what difference does it make if you’re home 5, 10 even 20 minutes late? Or is he looking after the dc and is waiting to hand them over as that is what a proper wife would be doing not working. If my husband send me a passive aggressive and nasty WhatsApp like those I’d be muting him and go off to get my hair done or meet a mate. So pleased you’ve seen the light and binning him sooner rathe rather than later.

I honestly don't know how you live like this. You must be living on your nerves.

You know what? He'll say he wants 50:50. He'll say he wants "full custody". In the end he'll probably see them for a couple of hours a week. Just hold tight - you're in for a bit of a rocky time but your life will be immeasurably better if you split up.

Well done OP. Have a little look at this list, I'm not sure in which ways he is abusive so some of the steps will be more complex than others. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/preparing-to-leave-2/

The keeping a diary of the abuse can be very important as after time it gets easier to minimise their behaviour.

Having been there my advice is don't wait, it s far more damaging for children to live in a house when the parents dislike each other so much. My Son asked why i didn't get rid of their father earlier. They wished i had thrown him out years before.

Christ he's a bellend isn't he!

He’s a bad guy.
Well done on seeing the light. Lots of luck over the next few weeks.