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Original poster

To feel used in my godparent role

54 replies

Animatedapple · 26/01/2024 09:30

I’ve got a friend to whose daughter I am a godparent. We don’t live near each other and as time has gone on I feel more and more like a useful cash machine than a real friend. I am godparent and so I’m happy to buy nice presents at birthdays and Christmas but recently my friend has only got in touch with me in the lead up to her daughter’s birthday or lead up to Christmas. I do try and stay in touch with her but of course a few months elapse. She has started to ask me for specific presents for her daughter - which feels very pushy. She says she can’t afford anything herself which makes my present all the more important. The thing is: she and her partner don’t work and haven’t for 20 years. They live off her inheritance and she owns several properties and a lot of furniture and belongings. I think she has got into a difficult situation but while I sympathise with this, as we can all make mistakes in how we live our life, I don’t like being made to feel like my role is to spend money on her child. She doesn’t send thank you notes or say anything after the birthday or Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
MinnieGirl · 26/01/2024 09:54

Not in the slightest!

She is a CF and using you to buy expensive presents for her child while claiming she can’t afford to. Well she could if she sold even one of her properties….and not working for 20 years is her choice…
And as for not sending any acknowledgment of your gifts… I bet she is passing them off as her own gifts to the child..

I would cut right back. Being a godmother is not all about buying expensive presents… next time she gets in touch with her list, just reply straight away that you are having to cut right back and while you are happy to send a small gift to celebrate the child’s special day, you won’t be able to get what she’s asking. And get a nice small gift. A book, a mug with the child’s name on etc.

Shes made her own life choices and needs to cut her cloth accordingly.

Original poster
Animatedapple · 26/01/2024 10:02

Thank you. That is such a good point about passing my gifts off as hers! I hadn’t even considered it.

OP posts:
GreatGateauxsby · 26/01/2024 10:07

She has started to ask me for specific presents for her daughter - which feels very pushy. She says she can’t afford anything herself which makes my present all the more important.

😅 tell her to get a shift at the local pub…

unbelievably rude and entitled.
especially given they are so wealthy they don’t work!?!!

£10 in a card and maybe take your GD out for the day.

Mariposistaaa · 26/01/2024 10:08

As a Christian, people like your friend make my blood boil. The role of godparent is to be a guide and role model to the child and to help them grow (in with and as a person). She leerily just wanted to pose for photos at the ceremony, and then use you as a cash cow.
Be kind to the child and give her the gift of your time, and NOTHING else. You are there for her, not her mother. (Is mother young by any chance? Or just cheeky)
Oh and she needs to get a job!

TempleOfBloom · 26/01/2024 10:11

The role of godparent can be fulfilled without any material gifts at all!

Just ignore her demands or be upfront and say you can’t afford it , or ‘sorry, think you have mistaken godparent for fairy godmother’

Lengokengo · 26/01/2024 10:11

I was semi- guilted into being a godmother. I didn’t particularly want to be one, but it’s not the sort of thing you refuse. Over the years I would send a birthday present that was never acknowledged. One year I even sent notelets and a pen! After about 10 years of this, my daughter was born. My friend sent me a cheap small random gift. Then when my son was born nothing on daughters next birthday, nothing. So I just stopped sending goddaughter gifts. I still feel a pang of guilt, but really, I didn’t want to be one in the first place! It felt uneven and unappreciated.

in your place a would say to your friend that things are difficult at the moment and you need to take a step back. See if she is supportive or grabby! Agree with a pp about offering your gift of time!

afkonholidaynearleek · 26/01/2024 10:14

Mariposistaaa · 26/01/2024 10:08

As a Christian, people like your friend make my blood boil. The role of godparent is to be a guide and role model to the child and to help them grow (in with and as a person). She leerily just wanted to pose for photos at the ceremony, and then use you as a cash cow.
Be kind to the child and give her the gift of your time, and NOTHING else. You are there for her, not her mother. (Is mother young by any chance? Or just cheeky)
Oh and she needs to get a job!

Edited

I agree. You are a guide and role model, not just a family friend that just gives presents.

‘Sorry, think you have mistaken godparent for fairy godmother’ <- that's a good one.

TheOccupier · 26/01/2024 10:15

YANBU. How old is your godchild? Do you actually see/have a relationship with them?

BBCONEANDTWO · 26/01/2024 10:16

Once someone asks for specific questions - that's it for me. Someone I worked with did that - no more pressies for her kids. It's greedy, selfish and pathetic. Just say you will send a card but can't afford presents anymore if she says anything. A card should be enough to show you're thinking of her.

BBCONEANDTWO · 26/01/2024 10:17

Presents I mean.

Original poster
Animatedapple · 26/01/2024 10:19

She is 10. But lives overseas so we can’t meet sadly. I don’t think I’ve seen the little girl since she was 5.

OP posts:
Original poster
Animatedapple · 26/01/2024 10:21

I’m interested that my feelings aren’t considered unreasonable. I want to be generous. I know how lovely it is to get nice presents when you are a child. That a present from an unknown godparent can feel magical and there is someone else out there who cares about you. So I want to be a good godparent. But I feel used by her mother.

OP posts:
Musiclover234 · 26/01/2024 10:41

I’m a god mum to my best friends little girls. She would never do this. She is so grateful when I spend time with them which is less now they are in school.
I do get them gifts but they know me and vice versa. I would have stopped in this case, it’s not appreciated and you don’t have a role in that child’s life. It’s just grabby.

Sera1989 · 26/01/2024 10:55

I thought as a Godparent you were supposed to guide the child and there used to kind of be the expectation that you would become guardian to the child if anything happened to the parents. It sounds like you don't really a friendship with your Goddaughter's mum and if they live overseas how could you have a relationship? It's a strange set-up. I would have suggested just taking her out for the day but that isn't possible. So you send these expensive gifts overseas and you don't even get any updates on your Goddaughter? Your friend is a CF and honestly if you only hear from her at birthday or Christmas it does sound like she's using you. If you said you couldn't afford gifts anymore do you think she would even stay in touch at all?

Alwaysalwayscold · 26/01/2024 10:58

You have been mis-sold the godparent role. It doesn't come with gift giving obligations.

Original poster
Animatedapple · 26/01/2024 11:05

Sera1989 · 26/01/2024 10:55

I thought as a Godparent you were supposed to guide the child and there used to kind of be the expectation that you would become guardian to the child if anything happened to the parents. It sounds like you don't really a friendship with your Goddaughter's mum and if they live overseas how could you have a relationship? It's a strange set-up. I would have suggested just taking her out for the day but that isn't possible. So you send these expensive gifts overseas and you don't even get any updates on your Goddaughter? Your friend is a CF and honestly if you only hear from her at birthday or Christmas it does sound like she's using you. If you said you couldn't afford gifts anymore do you think she would even stay in touch at all?

Well I guess things can change can’t they?

We were definitely friends and used to meet because we could as we lived in the same city. She then moved abroad. Inevitably we will lose closeness and our friendship will suffer if we can never meet up. Not really either of our faults that that is the case.

Until the last few years we have been in good contact. It’s more of a recent development that she is viewing me as a helpful present giver rather than a friend.

But like I said in my original post, she’s made some life choices which mean things aren’t always easy for her.

I appreciate posters for giving their views. Thanks everyone!

OP posts:
HiCandles · 26/01/2024 11:07

I didn't think godparent came with any present giving obligations, only the Christian values and guidance.
If you want to stop this silliness without getting into a conflict, perhaps you could suggest that as the child is now older it's time to start focusing on the religious education aspect, and send something small like that instead?
My local Christian bookshop has a huge variety of reasonably priced books and gifts for children which would fit the bill, and you might find friend stops asking once she realises you are serious and she's not getting to tap you up for luxury presents any more. If nothing else the child might actually read and enjoy them!

Original poster
Animatedapple · 26/01/2024 11:08

HiCandles · 26/01/2024 11:07

I didn't think godparent came with any present giving obligations, only the Christian values and guidance.
If you want to stop this silliness without getting into a conflict, perhaps you could suggest that as the child is now older it's time to start focusing on the religious education aspect, and send something small like that instead?
My local Christian bookshop has a huge variety of reasonably priced books and gifts for children which would fit the bill, and you might find friend stops asking once she realises you are serious and she's not getting to tap you up for luxury presents any more. If nothing else the child might actually read and enjoy them!

An interesting idea! Many thanks!

OP posts:
Pinkl · 26/01/2024 11:27

I feel she is being cheeky in asking for these things! And while I think on one hand it’s useful to have a guide on what to buy so it’s something the child needs it shouldn’t just be about big ticket items. And no matter what you send they should be thanking you. My own kids each have godparents abroad and they only see them sporadically but I make the effort to get them to make and send cards - even now as they are older but quite into art so they enjoy the process.

Tel12 · 26/01/2024 11:33

My godmother gave me a silver enameled St.Christopher. My most treasured possession. There are websites that specialise in Christian gifts, books etc. Might be a way to start redefining your relationship?

Beautiful3 · 27/01/2024 21:15

I'd send things I wanted to, like a necklace/book/game etc. I wouldn't be spending lots of money, nor asking the mum what to get.

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 27/01/2024 21:21

What a sad situation, you are being mugged off. I agree with the posters saying to bring it down to the original meaning and sending sentimental gifts.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 27/01/2024 21:23

If you want to give a present that the mother can't pass off as her own, how about buying the child premium bonds in her name? My brother used to receive these from his godmother and I thought it was a great idea!

BlackSwanEvent · 27/01/2024 21:28

Do you initiate contact/ask after your God-daughter at all? Or write to her? I am just curious

Toddlerteaplease · 27/01/2024 21:34

Mariposistaaa · 26/01/2024 10:08

As a Christian, people like your friend make my blood boil. The role of godparent is to be a guide and role model to the child and to help them grow (in with and as a person). She leerily just wanted to pose for photos at the ceremony, and then use you as a cash cow.
Be kind to the child and give her the gift of your time, and NOTHING else. You are there for her, not her mother. (Is mother young by any chance? Or just cheeky)
Oh and she needs to get a job!

Edited

Completely agree!

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