To feel used in my godparent role

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I’ve got a friend to whose daughter I am a godparent. We don’t live near each other and as time has gone on I feel more and more like a useful cash machine than a real friend. I am godparent and so I’m happy to buy nice presents at birthdays and Christmas but recently my friend has only got in touch with me in the lead up to her daughter’s birthday or lead up to Christmas. I do try and stay in touch with her but of course a few months elapse. She has started to ask me for specific presents for her daughter - which feels very pushy. She says she can’t afford anything herself which makes my present all the more important. The thing is: she and her partner don’t work and haven’t for 20 years. They live off her inheritance and she owns several properties and a lot of furniture and belongings. I think she has got into a difficult situation but while I sympathise with this, as we can all make mistakes in how we live our life, I don’t like being made to feel like my role is to spend money on her child. She doesn’t send thank you notes or say anything after the birthday or Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable here?

I'm god mother to many children, probably because I couldn't have children and they felt sorry for me.

Anyway, I have eight. Then went on to adopt and then strangely had two.

That's not the point.

I don't do presents, I show an interest. The wee ones we catch up and take them out. The older ones are welcome and often come here. Give parents a break.

I have jars, they don't know about. I do 10 Christmas, Easter, birthday. Sometimes a little more. So about £600 plus for their 21st.

I would start paying money into an account and just write her a card saying “now you’re a bit older I m paying money into an account for you that you can have when you are 21” each Christmas or birthday I’d just send her a card with a note and mention the amount.

that way you can still be as generous as you wish or are comfortable with but you can keep mums grubby paws off it

I'm not Christian. I'm actually a Muslim now
But I was christened as a baby and have 2 God mothers. They where a life line in my life and helped form me into be the person I am today. I am still regular contact with them and I'm 32 now. I couldn't have given a flying monkeys about presents. They helped me when home life was awful and genuinely cared about me.

Your friend doesn't seem to understand what a god mother is and I wouldn't be spending big money.

Being a godparent is not about giving presents but being a good influence and someone the godchild can look to for guidance. My friend is my son’s godmother and I certainly don’t expect her to gift him presents etc although at Christmas she kindly gifts both children £10 and chocolate. She’s doesn’t have children and unlikely that she will so we always gift her something nice in return so she knows that we appreciate her

YANBU OP. I was godmother to two children of a friend who could barely remember to send me a text on my birthday and I’d always try and gift presents - she had 4 kids and insisted people either gave none presents or gave them all presents. Thankfully we fell out once the oldest kid was around 5 so I don’t have any more contact with them.

I am godmother to another friends child and I usually send presents but not every year to my godchild and their siblings (my choice to include the siblings) She wouldn’t dream of asking me for specific gifts though. Her kids mean a lot to me though and are a joy to spend time around. It’s not about gift giving it’s about going on day trips and short breaks with them or just visiting them at her house and spending time with them and getting to know them. I’d like to think the presents I send are just a bonus and not what defines our relationship.

My friend will send lovely messages from all the kids and send gifts on my birthday. she is one of the only friends who remembered to call me on my last milestone birthday.

I don’t give to receive but I’d struggle to continue to give the way you do to a friend who gave nothing back.

Your friend is being awful and sounds like a total user. She clearly lives a very privileged life where neither her or her partner work, and does not need you to buy anything. I was going to say I’m surprised you’ve let this go on for so long but then I’ve made the mistake as well in the past . We live and learn!

You accepted the role as godmother. It doesn't oblige you to give expensive gifts.

With parents like this girl has, it'd be more godmotherly to simply write nice letters to her a couple of times a year (not just at birthdays or xmas) and try to encourage a godmotherly 'relationship'. I would suggest sending nice books as actual gifts.

Your role here is not with your goddaughter's mother, it's between you and the girl.

Edit: P.S. My mother was vain and useless and I loved my godmother, who never gave me any expensive presents but was just lovely to me.

As practicing Catholics we chose our children's Godparents for faith reasons, as they are some of the most loving, caring Catholics we know who are good role models for our children.

I expect absolutely ZILCH from them materially. Your "friend"'s behaviour is outrageous and has nothing to do with your role at all.

Also more generally gifts should never be "expected" unless from immediate family members.

I would just think about what you find acceptable as your responsibility to the CHILD and do whatever makes most sense for you. I also thought paying into a savings account for the future like @Justenjoyinglife (21 is a great idea). Or donating to charity in her name.

Otherwise just send a thoughtful card and forgo the gifts entirely unless you would like to send something yourself that is small, reasonable and within your budget. Do not respond to attempts at emotional blackmail from the mum.

I was about to suggest you offer to take her to church, then saw your update that she is not in the UK.
Next time friend gets in touch with the gift list, apologise for not having been a diligent godmother in the past, but this year you're fully embracing your role and choosing a nice bible.
Maybe a book of carols at Christmas.

I'd tell her that now she is turning eleven you have decided to send her a book that you enjoyed at that age every year until she's eighteen.

You can get some lovely editions.

Little women

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Women-Painted-Editions/dp/0785294805/ref=pdbxgyyimgddsccl1/257-3102680-5525950?pddrdw=g0CpY&content-id=amzn1.sym.40f919ed-e530-4b1a-8d7e-39de6587208d&pffrdp=40f919ed-e530-4b1a-8d7e-39de6587208d&pffrdr=5Q5D2J2YRWEJBGWZSM95&pddrdwg=Bmf7D&pddrdr=fa3f22b3-d345-4554-ab12-d361aebe2a84&pddrd_i=0785294805&psc=1

Say you're putting £ into a fund for the godchild but don't go into details. None of mom's business. And if you do or don't still none of her business.

Or "I'm setting aside some funds so that darling godchild can come and visit when she turns 21". And leave it at that.

The book idea is great @OneCornetto !

My eldest child's godmother always sends a modest Christmas present. Also when they were at university they gave them a one off gift of about 500 pounds to go towards their costs which I thought was very generous. None of the other godparents have ever given anything - my youngest son got nothing at all. I would never have dreamt of asking for anything. It's perhaps traditional to give some gifts to a godchild but really it is meant to be a spiritual mentor and role model.

Going against the grain, is what she has asked for around the same amount of money as what you were intending to spend OP? If so, then I would send what she has suggested. Of course, being a godparent is more than just being the present provider, but most do send presents. I sent Christmas and birthday presents to my godsons up to 18 and again at 21. If you feel too put upon to continue then, as someone has suggested, set up a savings account for her for when she is older.

YABU to feel put out though, her attitude stinks, but it's not her daughter's fault.

Top tip.
Next time, don’t send anything. When the mother mentions it, say that you didn’t send anything because you feared the delivery service had failed to deliver last years parcel, because you never received a thank you note.

Say as the God parent you want to be a good role model as per your role, and start making donations in the child's name for gifts instead so they don't grow up to be selfish and materialistic

This!!!!

How much is she asking you to spend, is it more than you would have if you’d chosen something yourself? Do you have to purchase and send abroad, or are you sending her the money for her to purchase?

edit: I didn’t even know I could put gifs in and if it’s still there now then I also haven’t figured out how to remove them!

Could you open a savings account or isa in the child's name to give to them when they're 18 or something?

Here's a different angle - instead of large gifts start putting money away for the child, in an account which only you can access until she's old enough. At Birthday/Christmas send a card and a letter, with a small token gift, to the child. If her parents aren't great with money then she might well appreciate the monetary gift, even if it's not huge. You don't even have to tell the parents. Keep your letters to the child positive, and make sure she has your contact details and knows she can keep in touch herself.

You can't change how these other adults behave but you can be a positive and encouraging role model and contribute to the child's life in a financial way too, once she's older.

I have three godparents, a godfather and two godmothers. One godmother was my aunt, from who I am estranged, one I honestly have met maybe three times my whole life and I received a birthday card annually but that was all, and the last time I saw my godfather he almost t-boned my car at a junction (I would assume he was drunk, based on previous experiences with him, so you can imagine how close we are!). None of the three helped raise me into the Christian faith either, which was technically their only job. Godparents, in reality, are what you make of them, or what they make of you. You have no obligations, and are not being at all unreasonable.

It's not your job to fund another couples baby.
Anything you do give should be from you, your choice.

They're acting entitled. And ungrateful.

I think you need to set a boundary.
Ie you are open to them suggesting gifts but it will be your choice what you get the child, if anything.
You are there to offer extra love and support in addition to parents.
Not to fund the parents wishes for things for their child.

I would just cut all contact honestly.

Nope. Just nope. I would never tell someone what to buy my child, unless they asked, and even then I’d just tell them my child’s interests and let them decide.

You are welcome to continue to buy the kid presents, but you decide what it is, and it’s from you, not her mum. If she wants to buy her kid specific things, she can get a job or a liquidate some assets.

She's a close friend so tell her it's time she got a job and to start putting money aside for next Christmas because you can't afford to splurge on her lovely daughter like you did this Christmas, again.
Financially, it's too tight.
Don't spend more than what you had budgeted for.

Later in the year when it all starts getting pushy again, repeat yourself. Sorry I'm skint, you need to get a job.