AIBU to be worried about partners income v UC loss?

[WhatAPickleThisIsAtXmas]

Morning, I'll try and keep this short. Just a little context below
I've been with my BF for 18 months, my sons (13&9) have met him but don't know he's my bf. They like him. He is 14 years older then me, owns his home, and has been in the same job 26 years. He is the first bf I've had that I feel safe and accepted by. My family is mainly estranged, I have been alone for 7/8 years, I went back to uni and got a degree and then a masters, and last year after our beloved private rent home we were in for 9 years was sold we were homeless, it was the worst year of our lives, but I managed to buy a home 10 mins drive away from our previous one. It is nowhere near as nice and I'm still not over losing our home, but I know I'm lucky I managed to buy. However, the house has water damage, a leaking roof and has already cost me £10k in repairs/improvements. I feel unsafe and overwhelmed here though.

Last year my youngest was also diagnosed with ASD & ADHD, the initial assessment referral was made 2 years prior and I initially thought it was a tourettes referral. The last 2 years were really tough at school and also my son was excluded from the only after school club, consequently I had to leave my FT job and go PT mainly WFH. Thank you for reading to the end of that!

Bf earns less than me in his full time job, and also has almost zero scope to increase his income, primarily because he doesn't want to leave his job, he has no qualifications and low confidence. If him and I were to move in, I would lose around £650 in UC and scottish child payment. When I mentioned this and worries about money he was understandably very upset. But he keeps saying "so I'm not worth £600 to you" . We spoke about him keeping his flat and renting it out, so I explained he would gain in terms of income moving in with me, whereas I would have a loss of income, and he was just incredibly upset and didn't understand. I could increase my hours if he were to move in as he could collect my children, but they are mine, and I want to be able to collect them, and someone has to as there are no transport links to our house as weve moved out of catchment. I know UC isn't a lifestyle, but i dont want to compromise our income. This is all hypothetical right now, but after the last few years being so awful, I don't want to waste anymore time and if we were to move forward I'd like to plan, or we go our separate ways. Maybe given finances, I get moving in out of my head until working FT becomes viable as my youngest becomes more independent

AIBU to he worried about losing income? If he pays half of the bills/mortgage it may be okay...but he's so upset about me 'putting a price on him' and 'forgetting that I would get him out of it, even if I lose money'.

Also worth noting the incredible achievements you’ve made alongside single parenting. Qualifications and buying property are hard enough at the best of times. You’re amazing and should feel so proud ♥️

You have children. Financial security is paramount. If he can't understand that, he is not the one. It sounds like he wants to be centre of your attention which doesn't bode well for cohabiting with children that are not his. Don't do it to yourself or your children. Consolidate what you have.

You can't have a serious conversation with him without him shutting it down with ridiculous statements in an attempt to silence your concerns and manipulate you (through guilt) into giving in.

He is certainly not someone to move in with. Your worth so much more!

But he keeps saying "so I'm not worth £600 to you"

He sounds absolutely pathetic. And a bit stupid. You have two children to raise and he doesn’t recognise the impact of losing £600? Jesus wept.

Don't live with him op. I list my tax credits moving in with a partner who then didn't help with my kids costs or top up what I list coming in. I've never been so poor in my life. A man who does this to their partner doesn't respect them

Completely agree
Very manipulative
He's going to make money and you lose out but he's making himself the victim
No just NO
Do not do this

Seriously bad advice!.
Likely he will move in and Op will be reliant on him paying.
Hes already tried to manipulate her.
Don't rely on a man who doesn't have your best interests at heart Op
He's calculating how much he will be netter off.
DO NOT DO THIS

It wasn't advice it was simply facts on why UC would stop because it would be deemed not needed with 2 people now contributing. No matter who OP moved in with, the facts remain.

Your dc and you are the most important people here and their /your needs come first. Look after your family, you don't need a hanger on.
You come across as amazing in what you have achieved, and should be proud of yourself. There is some good advice on here, stay strong OP.

Op you need to think really hard about this and consider getting legal advice too. If he moves in, and makes up the shortfall, and thus pays a substantialamount of the bills, will that mean he has a claim to part ownership of your home, that you have worked so hard to buy for you and your children?

He clearly isn't thinking through the practicalities from your perspective, so you need to, in order to protect your finances and your children's futures.

I think the advice from everyone is spot on. Do not move this man-child into your home. If you can’t even have a conversation now where he can understand your position regarding finances then it will certainly not improve afterward. You will be adding another drain on your resources with him, not improving your capacity to cope with unexpected circumstances. Keep looking, you sound like a very capable and motivated woman who has achieved an incredible amount for your family. I really don’t think this man would challenge you and keep you interested over the years to come. That lack of ambition is quite depressing.

if he were to pay half the bills to make up my money loss, I'd be no better off but he still would be.

Then what’s his problem? Does he expect to live for free?

If he wants to move in with you, he has to pay his way. He has to contribute to the household so that the household isn’t worse off. He has to pay a fair living contribution to cover bills, food, loss of income via UC. That’s what’s included in the tent. The rent is UC loss + share of bills + food.

Op knows this already though

Op
I understand that you want support.
Sadly I don't think this man is going to provide it.
Look at the facts
He's stuck in a low paying job with zero prospects.
He is manipulative
He is selfish and pressuring you because he will benefit.
Say no
If he persists in being unpleasant, whining that you think he's not "worth"£650 then end the relationship.
He's only thinking of himself and you will then be reliant on him paying bills which will give him a further ability to manipulate you.

You need to work out finances

Youll be no better off if he makes up the short fall, plus you’ll be left with all the childcare and household chores.
He will be better off as he’d still own his flat and have renters paying his mortgage. It will increase in value.

Alternatively he sells his flat and you sell yours and you go all in - joint lower morgage.

I wouldn’t risk that as you could end up homeless

My mom had a BF for years until we left home, they even had a baby together and he didn’t move in until she was 10! Purely because mom would lose benefits - he stayed over 3 nights a week.

If you are worse off by 6,000 a year he should definatly be helping.

Id wait til the kids are older and you have a FT job and he’s more secure having paid off his mortgage

The more you post about him, the worse he sounds. It's clear you have low self esteem and don't feel you deserve better, but you do.

My advice is to do therapy and/or the Freedom Programme. Prioritise your own well being and independence.

' I'm not sure how to explain this to him without the "all I hear is you've put a price on my head" being used.'

'Well, All I hear is you not considering or caring about the impact you'll have on my ability to provide for my children.'

I'm glad you're not moving in with him. If he can't even have a sensible discussion about finances now, then what would living with him be like?

Life (even when you love someone) isn't all sunshine and rainbows and romance. It's chores, and bills and considering someone else.

He sounds like a ridiculous child expecting to pay his way with 'love' and not properly discuss finances- as a grown man moving into a house with a single parent.

This, 100%

Thick and manipulative.

Of course he's not worth you losing over seven grand a year and your security. With that sort of whining, he's not worth 50p and half a packet of stale biscuits.

1. are your values aligned with his? You seem ambitious to have worked so hard for a degree and masters. Education must be a core value for you, or your family? Your partner doesn’t seem to share these values.

2. his response to your concerns are a red flag. It makes absolute sense as a mum of two young people, that you should be concerned about the financial security of you and your sons.

3. my son has adhd too. If I were you, i would take time to adjust to this diagnosis, keep things stable & learn more about adhd and how to work with it.

4. work out how your partner will contribute financially.

5. take time. Him lacking empathy & understanding for a practical challenge that you’re facing may reveal other issues / flags & concerns in the near future. See how that unravels.