AIBU to be worried about partners income v UC loss?

[WhatAPickleThisIsAtXmas]

Morning, I'll try and keep this short. Just a little context below
I've been with my BF for 18 months, my sons (13&9) have met him but don't know he's my bf. They like him. He is 14 years older then me, owns his home, and has been in the same job 26 years. He is the first bf I've had that I feel safe and accepted by. My family is mainly estranged, I have been alone for 7/8 years, I went back to uni and got a degree and then a masters, and last year after our beloved private rent home we were in for 9 years was sold we were homeless, it was the worst year of our lives, but I managed to buy a home 10 mins drive away from our previous one. It is nowhere near as nice and I'm still not over losing our home, but I know I'm lucky I managed to buy. However, the house has water damage, a leaking roof and has already cost me £10k in repairs/improvements. I feel unsafe and overwhelmed here though.

Last year my youngest was also diagnosed with ASD & ADHD, the initial assessment referral was made 2 years prior and I initially thought it was a tourettes referral. The last 2 years were really tough at school and also my son was excluded from the only after school club, consequently I had to leave my FT job and go PT mainly WFH. Thank you for reading to the end of that!

Bf earns less than me in his full time job, and also has almost zero scope to increase his income, primarily because he doesn't want to leave his job, he has no qualifications and low confidence. If him and I were to move in, I would lose around £650 in UC and scottish child payment. When I mentioned this and worries about money he was understandably very upset. But he keeps saying "so I'm not worth £600 to you" . We spoke about him keeping his flat and renting it out, so I explained he would gain in terms of income moving in with me, whereas I would have a loss of income, and he was just incredibly upset and didn't understand. I could increase my hours if he were to move in as he could collect my children, but they are mine, and I want to be able to collect them, and someone has to as there are no transport links to our house as weve moved out of catchment. I know UC isn't a lifestyle, but i dont want to compromise our income. This is all hypothetical right now, but after the last few years being so awful, I don't want to waste anymore time and if we were to move forward I'd like to plan, or we go our separate ways. Maybe given finances, I get moving in out of my head until working FT becomes viable as my youngest becomes more independent

AIBU to he worried about losing income? If he pays half of the bills/mortgage it may be okay...but he's so upset about me 'putting a price on him' and 'forgetting that I would get him out of it, even if I lose money'.

You have two children to support. I'm sorry but he's not worth £650 per month loss in income just to have him live with you.

Unless he is contributing the £650 plus any increase in bills and utilities then please do not have him move in.

Are you sure this person is right for you? You have drive and ambition (well done on achieving your Masters) while he has none, and you could start to resent this in the long term. He seems to have no understanding of financial reality either.

He doesn’t sound particularly bright sorry.

He sounds a little manipulative to be honest and I would keep everything separate because his attitude stinks.

Exactly what @44PumpLane said. You know how awful being homeless with kids is, don't put yourself in the position to end up back there

Well you're not worth the extra money or effort to try get another job to him if that's his logic.

Honestly, I'd keep this a living apart relationship at best. You don't need to live together and you're clearly going places, so bide your time. What's the rush? After only 18 months, this man could move in and wreck everything you've worked so bloody hard for.

He’s being a big baby and you need to put your financial security before his pathetic emotional blackmail.

Considering your dc don’t even know he’s your boyfriend I wouldn’t be leaping ahead to living together. How would your dc navigate this? No, he’s not worth 600 a month, there is absolutely nothing to suggest this is a great partnership. The age gap along with his lack of drive may well make this a non starter anyway.

If he is manipulative enough to use ‘so I’m not worth £650 to you’, it’s a VERY bad sign.

Apart from anything else £650 a month is a lot of money. It’s nearly £8000 a year. Imagine expecting someone to give up £8000 a year for you.

It sounds like you are overwhelmed and quite vulnerable right now. So you need to be especially wary of anyone looking to move on with you - even more so when the only real advantage seems to be to him.

Thank you for your replies...I know they are right. I don't want to upset him, but I didn't know how to nicely say that I'm worried about losing money and he's not in a position to rebuild that. He's angry at me as obviously I've always known what he did for work. I guess I didn't push myself into thinking about the reality of it all. I'm not getting younger, and the past couple of years has left its mark on my body, I can't sleep properly, I put on weight, I've got hair loss and grey hair, I'm not exactly a great catch! I'm also scared all the time, I'm scared of the house needing a huge repair that I can't afford, in the bad weather recently I slept in my sons room in case something happened as the wall and window frame were flexing. I'm just scared. And although I don't think being a relationship is all about love, like my bf seems to, I would like to get married and feel safe and settled. I think its just the last year has really put things into perspective.

@VinegarTrio youre quite possibly right, maybe the last year hasn't put things into perspective as I'm thinking it has...maybe I'm vulnerable because it's scared the shit out of me?

It’s entirely reasonable for you to look at the $$ and decide this relationship isn’t worth it. YABU to not expect him to be upset that you are saying that he’s not worth being with as he’s not rich enough. That’s hurtful. He’s got his own place, has a job - that’s all financially responsible.

Don’t string him along - if the finances don’t work then end it and leave him to move on with someone who doesn’t have your financial needs for a partner.

It would be very unfair to expect him to sit in a holding pattern for a few years just in case in the future you’d like to commit to him.

It sounds like your son is going through some difficulties. I don't think moving a boyfriend into the family home will help. Just wait until they're older before cohabiting. His response is a red flag. No concern for your financial security whatsoever.

This. If your bf can’t understand the concept don’t allow him to move in

YABU for thinking moving him in is a good idea. He's not going to make you feel safe or settled, you've spoken several times about him being angry. He can only gain by moving in, it sounds as if he's not planning to pay anything towards your outgoings, but you will be at a loss. This man thinks he's a major prize 🙄 Not to mention your dc don't even know you are in a relationship.... There's no need to move in together OP, don't do it!

It isn’t a criticism to say you’re vulnerable, by the way.

You’ve had a dreadful time over the last year and have ongoing challenges. Of course, you’re scared and overwhelmed.

It is at times like these that we can be easier pickings for people looking to take advantage of us. Especially when they seem nice or kind.

You’ve done an amazing job. You’ve not just rehoused yourself and your children, you’ve bought a house (which means you can’t find yourself in a situation where a landlord’s choices leave you homeless again). You’ve gained qualifications and built a career all while supporting your children with little support for yourself. All of this is amazing.

You feel overwhelmed right now because you are dealing with a lot, and are probably running low on resilience because you’ve used so much over the last year. That’s perfectly reasonable.

Your partner moving in won’t help you much. Some of the help you’ve listed are things that he could support with without living together - collecting the children from school, for example. But he hasn’t been offering just help like that. It’s all tied to him getting his feet under your table.

That is not worth £650 a month to you. Of course it’s not. You are totally right to be alarmed by his claim that he should be.

Wow he does not get it. ‘Listen, I’ve been homeless. I know what’s that like. I have worked SO hard and I have two young children who have nobody but me. I can’t afford to lose income to be in a relationship, I simply can’t. It would be being a bad mother to do that. You don’t seem to feel bad at all about expecting to profit from moving in with a single mum, by earning rent from your place. I can’t afford to have you move in.

you are obviously hugely talented and driven, to do those degrees, to go from homeless to buying a house, you just need a year or two of life being kinder to you to stop feeling so on alert and anxious. Dropping income won’t give you that respite.

Hmm, his reaction is enough to give me the ick tbh! I'd stay as you are for now, there's no reason for him to live with you and for you to lose income.

What a horrible man, just awful. Your appearance doesn’t mean you need to pay someone like this to be with you. You are not safe in this relationship. He is trying to bully and manipulate you.

do not move him in, of course you shouldn’t effectively pay 600 odd quid a month to habe him there, and if he can’t pay 50/50 then he stays where he is.

Nope, don't ever move him in. He's not the catch you seem to think he is. This is just the first stage of him controlling you.

This man is not safe. If he gets upset because you won't sacrifice your security to move in with him, if he's gotten mad at you because of it, if you're worried about upsetting him -- he's not safe. You've worked so hard to give yourself and your kids security, and moving in with him would disrupt that (not just financially, but because you would ultimately regret this relationship and either move out again or cling to it because undoing it would be so difficult). Don't move in with him. If he's the right man for you, he would understand.

Just because you're down on yourself doesn't mean you have to settle.

I read this and don't agree with all of the above posters. You'd lose £650 because UC would now deem that your household income has gone up therefore they don't need to subsidise as much. The only way that moving in together would work is if he paid his way. He wouldnt get to live there for free surely? So if he paid his way then your costs would be less therefore why would you need the UC? Surely it would all balance out to the same disposable income for you having someone else contribute?

Nope. You've made huge strides by yourself. Your kids come first. I would be very reluctant to move somebody in with a neurodivergent child (I have one too so I speak from experience). You say they don't even know he's your boyfriend so I'm not sure why you're even considering this. Carry on dating by all means, but protect your kids, your finances and your assets.

The OP would be making herself a lot more vulnerable though.

And note the IF in your scenario. What if he just keeps his money to himself and doesn’t pay his way? After all, is he not worth £650 to her?

Sonetimes cohabiting is simply not in your interests. Or your children’s.

Don’t let him move in. He has zero aspirations or ambition, is happy to work in his low paid job with zero qualifications. You have been a go-getter with the degree and post-grad despite being a single mum, well done! You clearly don’t need a man so ditch the bum, he sounds like a waste of space tbh.