AIBU to be worried about partners income v UC loss?

[WhatAPickleThisIsAtXmas]

Morning, I'll try and keep this short. Just a little context below
I've been with my BF for 18 months, my sons (13&9) have met him but don't know he's my bf. They like him. He is 14 years older then me, owns his home, and has been in the same job 26 years. He is the first bf I've had that I feel safe and accepted by. My family is mainly estranged, I have been alone for 7/8 years, I went back to uni and got a degree and then a masters, and last year after our beloved private rent home we were in for 9 years was sold we were homeless, it was the worst year of our lives, but I managed to buy a home 10 mins drive away from our previous one. It is nowhere near as nice and I'm still not over losing our home, but I know I'm lucky I managed to buy. However, the house has water damage, a leaking roof and has already cost me £10k in repairs/improvements. I feel unsafe and overwhelmed here though.

Last year my youngest was also diagnosed with ASD & ADHD, the initial assessment referral was made 2 years prior and I initially thought it was a tourettes referral. The last 2 years were really tough at school and also my son was excluded from the only after school club, consequently I had to leave my FT job and go PT mainly WFH. Thank you for reading to the end of that!

Bf earns less than me in his full time job, and also has almost zero scope to increase his income, primarily because he doesn't want to leave his job, he has no qualifications and low confidence. If him and I were to move in, I would lose around £650 in UC and scottish child payment. When I mentioned this and worries about money he was understandably very upset. But he keeps saying "so I'm not worth £600 to you" . We spoke about him keeping his flat and renting it out, so I explained he would gain in terms of income moving in with me, whereas I would have a loss of income, and he was just incredibly upset and didn't understand. I could increase my hours if he were to move in as he could collect my children, but they are mine, and I want to be able to collect them, and someone has to as there are no transport links to our house as weve moved out of catchment. I know UC isn't a lifestyle, but i dont want to compromise our income. This is all hypothetical right now, but after the last few years being so awful, I don't want to waste anymore time and if we were to move forward I'd like to plan, or we go our separate ways. Maybe given finances, I get moving in out of my head until working FT becomes viable as my youngest becomes more independent

AIBU to he worried about losing income? If he pays half of the bills/mortgage it may be okay...but he's so upset about me 'putting a price on him' and 'forgetting that I would get him out of it, even if I lose money'.

Don't do it! You've done incredibly well to make a better life for you and your children, and any man who can't understand why a single mum would be concerned about losing thousands of pounds a year from her household income for the pleasure of his company is either an idiot or the proverbial MN cocklodger. Red flags all over the place!

I also have a neurodivergent DC and they would find a new person moving in incredibly difficult to deal with, so you don't really need that to upset your applecart either.

I dont think OP would be more vulnerable. Surely could claim UC again if he moved out? And that's why I said he would have to pay, not IF. He would need to pay you don't get to live somewhere for free.

She wouldn't be more vulnerable if his reaction had been "of course I'll cover the gap with my own income". But instead he got upset and didn't understand why she was prioritising her financial security over moving in with him. It's a giant red flag.

It's monstrously hard to get rid of someone after they've moved in. And if it didn't work out and she was successfully able to remove him, it would have put her kids through the whole ordeal for no reason.

Do not move this man in. His unreasonable and manipulative reaction to you concerns is a huge red flag. Instead of a discussion on pros and cons for both of you, possible solutions and alternatives, he turns on the water works and gets angry. This is not someone who you want to bring into your home. This is not someone who will make you feel safe and secure. He is already getting angry over your concerns instead of listening to you. This is not the safety you seem.

You have done amazing. You really have. I think you might need to rethink what safety and security looks like to you. You mention marriage and this making you feel safe. However sometimes this really isn't the case. The loves stories we are told growing up are just not the reality. I believe you continuing to be a strong mother, continuing your career and slowly but surely working on your home(I know this is hard work) will bring you the best safety and security.

Don't comprise this for a man who brings so little to your table.

You sound like a catch to me OP.

You've worked so hard, cared for your children, overcome obstacles without anyone's help.

This man is either very stupid or emotionally manipulative.

Obviously it's not in your best interests or that of your children for him to move in unless he makes up the shortfall financially.

He doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart.

First of all you are a great catch. You have drive, ambition and went from homelessness to owning your own property. I would put that at risk for exactly no one. Don’t make yourself even more vulnerable than you already feel. You will catch a break eventually. You’re just not feeling yourself right now, but you’ll get there. Stop putting yourself down. I’ve been perfectly rotund all my adult life, and never had thick hair and I literally have to do my roots every two weeks. I don’t care what people think. I’m a great mum and a valuable, contributing member of society. So are you. You’ll figure it out! Bit losing money isn’t going to make your situation less stressful. I think deep down you know this. It’s why you’re here! All the best OP! 🧡

Of course giving up her financial independence will make her more vulnerable. She loses money she is in control of and has to rely on him to make up the shortfall.

As you say, the fact his response has been about how he should be worth the substantial loss of income is not a good sign.

Plus there’s all the additional legal stuff that lets people you cohabit with start to accrue claims on your property. And the potential for foolish policy makers to increase this ‘protection’ for
cohabitees (there are proposed reforms that Labour have said they are quite keen to implement).

Even the fact that you have to start thinking about what you should be asking him to contribute to and what the consequences might be, is an added vulnerability. Especially if you’re losing thousands of pounds in your own income a year and need to make sure he’s contributing to make up for that.

Thank you everyone for such considered responses, I really do appreciate it. Sorry I'm late in responding, we are all unwell.

It's given me a lot to think about. I'm feeling slightly resentful of his response, as it's made me feel guilty. I said to him there isn't meant to be a nice way to go about it, we have to remove feelings to a degree and be pragmatic. I spoke to him briefly this morning and he was still upset and said he didn't sleep, that he feels that I've made him feel not good enough because he doesn't earn enough. He then said his take home was £800 less than he told me originally, then he said it was £400 more than that...maybe he was just in a pickle.

I'm not asking for someone who earns £70k a year, even £50k, I don't know how to think about it all without cringing at myself for sounding spoiled, which I am not.

I hadn't even considered the cohabitation legislation, I have heard of that. I explained to him I don't think he's able to see things from my POV, there is no risk for him, he keeps his flat, his bills drop, he's not losing anything.

He's not a good candidate, OP. Enjoy dating him but do not move him in with you.

Or maybe throw him back and find a new one. I know you're worried you're not a "good catch" but being alone is better than being with someone not good for you.

Don't cohabit until your dc leave home.

He's fucking cheeky expecting to be able to rent his place for income, PLUS reduce his bills by cohabiting with you all while you are losing income.

Even if he offers to give you money to make up the shortfall (which he apparently hasn't), it will be dependent month by month on him deciding to do it/having the funds. UC is reliable income going straight to you.

No man is worth your financial security when you have children.

I really don't think we will move in together, even if it's just off the back of his reaction to me being worried about losing so much money. But, hypothetically, would it be that he should be expected to make up the shortfall in loss, plus contribute towards the bills, or work it out so that what he pays in bills is the same as money loss?

I can't figure out the math (I have a virus so that's my excuse!)...I know I definitely should not be worse off if he moved in,but he shouldn't be either. At the same time, if he were to pay half the bills to make up my money loss, I'd be no better off but he still would be. I'm not sure how to explain this to him without the "all I hear is you've put a price on my head" being used.

Don't do it. I am a single parent getting UC and I would never move in with a man.

Well he's either thick or manipulative. Neither is desirable.

The cost of him living with you is half the bills plus uc.

If he can't afford that, don't discuss living together again.

"Not worth it"?? Of course not. Its Not worth losing your home, your dc going without, not being able to pay bills.

That's nothing to feel guilty about. Get your priorities set out. You. Dc. Home. Make these clear to him.

Last thing you want is another child or a cocklodger.

You said I would like to get married and feel safe and settled- don’t do this!! Firstly he’ll be entitled to your assets and it’ll be messy if anything goes wrong. Secondly I don’t think you will feel settled.

You can’t even have a conversation about finances with this man without him giving you a ton of different figures. He’s so evasive. And yes losing £650 a month is a lot of money!

You need to see it that you have a cost per month to maintain your home and family lifestyle. If you join households those costs will still need to be met. However your own direct income will reduce as your UC will. Someone needs to make up that cost. The fact he’s said am I not worth £650 shows his financial incompetence. It’s not about being “worth it”but money doesn’t grow on trees and that gap needs filling somehow.

I agree also that you seem motivated and driven and he’s just not. Do you always want to be the driver in the relationship?

No I absolutely don't want to be the driver all the time, this is something that has also bugged me, I seem to make the decisions, well it feels that way. If we do something, i have to drive it. He says that's because I have children so I need to drive everything as he doesn't want to push it, and I do understand that, it would just be nice if he could arrange something, even just a day out, when we're together! He is very gentle and soft, and that's part of why I like him in some way, in another I don't and feel like he can lack character.

Itd be good to hear if there were any success/failure stories of this happening?

his reaction and lack of understanding around financial security has taken me back. And the whole "love is the most important" ... he' must be defensive, and like he'll lose me so he's clutching at straws, he doesn't know what else to say.

“Love is the most important” isn’t going to pay the bills nor plan a future is it?

By driving and organising nothing means he can’t be blamed for failure.

I’m a strong independent female but I also like being told sometimes what the plan is. You get to the point in your life when you make decisions all day long sometimes it’s nice to be told- I want to do this would you like to come and have all the logistics taken care of.

You’re an incredible catch! You’ve worked so hard and have gained qualifications as well as parenting two children alone and getting through a horrible crisis being homeless. That’s kickass, you’re amazing.

YOU are your safety, not this man. He doesn’t sound right for you, I think you’re settling for someone because you fear being alone or are worrying about your appearance. When you should realise the amazing amount you have to offer.

This man won’t even give you a straight answer about how much he actually earns so you can have an informed discussion. I don’t think there is anything hurtful about discussing the amount of money you would lose in a moving in scenario and I think him framing it that he is not ‘worth’ that amount is pretty manipulative. He’s asking you to take a huge financial risk and undo a good deal of the safety you’ve built - is HE worth that?

How old is he? What are his retirement plan?

Interesting that he does own a home and made plans to rent it out and live with you. He's obviously capable of some planning.

. But he keeps saying "so I'm not worth £600 to you"
You could say with equal validity that you're not worth £600 to him because if you were he would have immediately said he'd cover the shortfall. It's ridiculous for an adult not to realise or acknowledge that losing money you use to cover food and bills is an issue. If he cared about you more than he cares about himself he would never have reacted the way he did.

Wow you are amazing. You done so much and well done on the masters and buying the house. Your children financial security matters more here. Its a no to him moving in. If he doesn't understand why he not right for you

his reaction and lack of understanding around financial security has taken me back. And the whole "love is the most important" ... he' must be defensive, and like he'll lose me so he's clutching at straws, he doesn't know what else to say.

@WhatAPickleThisIsAtXmas I think what he REALLY means is that HE should be the most important. He's a thicko if he can't understand how this will financially impact you and your dc. Don't move a thicko in.

This man is totally manipulative.

Please don't impose him on your kids

You asked would he be expected to make up the loss and pay his share of the bills. No absolutely not. His share of the bills would mean you're now paying less, therefore that kind of is making up the loss as you'd then be spending less. If he made up the loss too you'd be getting it twice.

His inability to understand your reasonable concern around finances and the fact he’s responding defensively and emotionally are the biggest red flags for me. I certainly wouldn’t move in with him and would also be questioning the relationship itself based on his reaction and him being unable to have a rational adult discussion about very real considerations when deciding on such a big life change.