To think I’m being used in this friendship?

[WDIDAT]

In August I met my friend’s (who I’ve known for 20 years) partner for the first time and since then we’ve been meeting up approximately once a month all together.

The first few times in August to October we mostly met up in a local park for a walk and chat but since December they’ve been wanting to travel further for days out but then the partner revealed that he hasn’t got a full license and would like me to supervise them on the days out so the driving is legal.

They have been asking for favours approximately once per week or two weeks like asking to borrow money or asking me to supervise them driving for errands. This week I was flabbergasted by a message asking me to hire them a van so I can take their rubbish to the tip and pick up some furniture and they’d gradually pay me back! I ignored the message as I didn’t know what to put. It’s very draining and I feel like I don’t know what they’re going to ask for next.

I’ve been googling “am I being used” and they do ask for constant favours but I am unsure whether I’m being used because they are very pleasant and I offered petrol money which they refused. I’ve wondered “If he passes his test would I see them for dust?” I don’t know! “Were the initial meet ups to butter me up?” I don’t know!

I’m finding it really hard to work out whether they are real friends or not. Do they like me for me or what I can offer? Or maybe a bit of both?

YABU - in this case, You Are Being Used.

Of course they’re not your friends.

Hard to tell if it’s being used or them taking the piss and not realising. We have had friends over the years that have helped us waaaayyyyy too much without thinking, maybe they take it for granted everyone’s like that? Maybe say you’re tired of the car etc etc and pull back a bit

Do these friends do any favours for you back? Do you feel like the friendship is even? If it's not then it's probably not worth continuing with. What are you getting out of it?

You’re being taken for an absolute mug.

@stayathomer My thoughts exactly. Really hard to tell.

@Backhandcompliment Again hard to say because I never ask anyone for anything so I have never needed their help.

@everyone I am in no doubt they are leeches but my question is are they in it ONLY for what I can offer?

Only you can say if you enjoy spending time with these people when they are not basically using you as a taxi and car rental service.

The last one with the van is ridiculous - I wouldn’t want the responsibility of hiring a van and I’m sure that you’d need a waste licence to take one to the domestic tip!
I suppose they think there’s no harm in asking - I hope they’ve given you the money back that they borrowed. I would feel used.

When you supervise their driving, are they driving their own car and do they have provisional insurance? If it's not their car then the car owner must have the learner added to their own insurance as an additional driver.

Personally I'd push back on being the driver or supervising, and say you'd like to stay local. I most certainly would not entertain any requests to borrow money.

I offered petrol money which they refused

You offered them petrol money for lifts they asked you to do? Why?!

Suggest going back to walks or coffee in the local park and if they try to suggest other thing, say ‘no-I fancy staying local’. Hard ‘NO’ to lending them money or hiring them vans though, that’s crazy. Don’t let yourself get used.

When you supervise their driving, are they driving their own car and do they have provisional insurance? If it's not their car then the car owner must have the learner added to their own insurance as an additional driver.

This

What was the relationship with your friend like before the new partner came on the scene? Was she always asking favours? Anyway just keep saying no to the favours and if they don’t bother to see you anymore then it confirms that yes you were being used and you’re better off without them.

I would start telling them no to every favour, or come up with an excuse for anything they ask. Then see how often you hear from them for meet ups that don't involve a direct benefit to them. They are taking your kindness for granted at the very least!

@Mnetcurious She was an opportunist sponge. We went out multiple times in 2020 and she would ask me to pay for her lunch but didn’t ever ask for help in home life. I didn’t see her much again until last year.

@Shinyandnew1 Their own car.

"This week I was flabbergasted by a message asking me to hire them a van so I can take their rubbish to the tip and pick up some furniture and they’d gradually pay me back!"

They'd 'gradually' pay you back?!
Fuck no. They have been given an inch and they've taken a mile. Cheeky bloody ask that. I'd think about reducing favours and contact.

Yes you're being used. Fuck them off rapidly

So tell them you can’t do supervision or further favours and see how much contact drops. Are they happy to see you without you supervising or not?

Just meet up with her on your own and if she asks you to pay for her lunch say no when will you ever pay for mine. Why did you offer petrol money, confused or maybe I just read it wrong. Just ignore about the van and when you do talk to them say you do not feel comfortable driving a van. Can they not get bins.

Just say no to all requests. If they still initiate contact with you then they still want you as a friend.

More importantly though...what do you value about them? What do they mean to you? How do you feel about them? What do you have in common? Do you want them in your life?

Yes. Block and make real friends.

You aren't getting anything out of this friendship and you don't like them

They are massively taking the piss. They need to get driving licences and taxi themselves around. As for hiring a van, tell them to hire a man a with van and pay them to shift their rubbish
What a pair of CFs!!

It doesn't sound like a healthy friendship.

And why on earth are you offering to pay them.petrol money while being their bloody chauffeur?