Higher earner should pay more of the bills?

[TTM123]

What are peoples opinion on this? If your partner earned more than you, would you expect them to pay more towards the bills?

It's a very personal thing what you are prepared to accept within a marriage that causes the least amount of resentment etc - I was the much higher earner by 3x - I insisted ex DH pay half the mortgage and other house related bills since he'd be entitled to half in a divorce. I paid the whopping childcare bills (twins) and holidays and DIY

He could have earnt more but chose not to. I worked my ass off in my career and work hard in a challenging job. He had zero ambitions and low work ethic. And quite frankly didn't work as hard

I wasn't prepared to top up his spending by taking on a greater proportion of bills.

My gross salary is 2.5x DH’s. Until we had kids, we split household expenses on a % basis according to take home salary (my idea) less any additional private pension payments (adding private pensions accounted for big differences in our workplace pension schemes). Once we had kids, we just started pooling money.

@Sususudio absolutely not posh crisps, the cheaper the better! Walkers salt and vinegar are my number one (well actually walkers Worcester sauce are #1 but impossible to find in shops nowadays). Pickled onion monster munch is another elite choice. Then pickled onion space invaders and nice n spicy nik naks. Own brand onion ring crisps from supermarkets are also very good but very harsh on the tummy.
If left to my own devices I’d have 20 packets a day - my husband doesn’t need to know that.

Married - shared finances. Unmarried cohabiting with children - shared finances. Unmarried cohabiting - 50/50, although higher earner needs to accept a more economical lifestyle.

Child benefit goes into my account. He retains the equivalent of child benefit from his salary. Everything else goes into the shared pot. Big personal spends come from personal pot. I’m the main earner.

I know I'm really old fashioned but I get really confused about this... Surely once you get married all money is 'ours' and not 'yours' and 'mine' ??

We have several accounts which we both have access to, I manage the money as I'm the better one with organising online accounts, bills etc... If either of us want something we just buy it, if it's a large purchase we discuss it... (Obviously within our affordability)

Surely if you are a SaHP then surely the other parent covers all the outgoings 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I think if you keep separate finances then you aren't 'thinking forever'

Just me... don't shoot me down ❤️

Definitely there are children - children drive lifestyle and you are both their parents so all in one pot
Ideally if you are married, as it reflects the legal realities
Probably if you are living together with no children and have been for a while in a permanent relationship

Its a tricky one to negotiate before moving in together but needs to be done.

So I’m the higher earner in our house, by a fair distance. We pay the same into a household account that the mortgage, bills, food shop blah blah come out of but I pay for holidays, both cars and most family things. We found it works better that way for us but each to their own.

I think it really depends on the relationship/set-up. If you're not married, my feeling is that neither has chosen to have financial responsibility for the other so proportions should be open for discussion since one person would be relying on the goodwill of the other to sub their lifestyle. If the person earning more pushed for a better/more expensive house, they should probably offer more money to the pot. Married with kids, different ballgame...both adults should have equal access to money.

Broadly yes. But there are a lot of variables that would impact exactly how this looks.

I have always earned more than DH.

eg, when DH and I were dating but not living together - I paid a bit more, but not as much or as often.
when we first moved in together, we paid proportionally. So I paid more of the bills but also had more left over every month.
When we got married and bought a house we had a joint account for everything and then separate "allowances" for extra spending. We used the joint for things like clothes, skincare etc, but would usually discuss larger purchases.
Ditto when DH became a SAHD for a while, but by then obviously we had less cash so overall spending came down and we stopped with the personal allowances.
Now DH is working again, all one account. But our income hasn't gone up significantly so we are both careful.

I think it depends on loads of factors . For example my DH earns more than me. But he then pays out child maintenance and I get in child maintenance. So we actually split everything 50/50 and I have more left over!

( I actually overpay on the mortgage in addition but I own more of the house so that’s really a bit separate from day to day living)

I would never ask him for money though and he’d probably never ask me either! We use a joint account for bills but neither of us do any other spending from it. We take turns to food shop.

Exactly this. This is what we do. At one time it was something like 64% his salary and 36% of my salary into joint account. I earn more now though and contribute a lot more. I prefer to have my own money as well as the joint account (all house/car/food/bills etc are paid from this) so when I decide to spend money on "stuff" I want no-one can comment about my spending.

I contribute more to the joint bills than my wife but I'm not sure it's proportionate as I'm completing a further expensive qualification. We're in the same field at different levels. With ex partners who were much lower earnings I did put in a bit more but not loads more. I paid for most of the home improvements and treats on top and had brought most of the equity into the house. The difference was that these (male) ex partners had made a lifestyle choice to do lower level work as it was easier and less stressful. But they still expected me to work long hours in a stressful role even when burning out as we couldn't manage on two low incomes. In this situation I wasn't subsiding their lifestyle choice and they didn't contribute any more or even sometimes as much as me to home chores. It really depends on circumstances and reasons and what's done with any money spare. If it's circumstances rather than choice and you are doing more at home I would say it should be completely proportional

Personally I think if you’re in a long term relationship you need to have similar views on money (how to spend/save) and put all money in a family pot. If people aren’t willing to share then I’d question their commitment to the relationship. However where this doesn’t happen then yes bills/expenses should be split according to earnings. Like tax, those who have more, contribute more. They’ll still have more spare money than the other person too!

I earn more than DH, we have separate finances and pay 50% of joint bills such as the mortgage and nursery fees.

DH works FT just like me so he hasn't sacrificed any earnings for childcare reasons etc he simply doesn't want as much responsibility as I have which is absolutely fine but that also means that he has less money left over than me for 'fun' spending. I'm not funding that and thankfully, he'd never expect me to.

I do think it is different if someone has sacrificed their earning potential such as going part time to take on childcare responsibilities. In that case, I do believe the higher earner should pay more towards the bills.

I agree with that. Both ways can work, but both partners have to agree. The reason I don;t earn as much as my Dh is childcare, but also because I moved around for his high earning job. Therefore, would not agree to anything less than joint myself.

I am single and find that not only do I earn more than most men I come across, but also because of my age many men of a comparable age already have kids and are paying maintenance.

By the logic on this thread if any of these relationships were to get serious I should start subsidising these men. I then start to question is it me they like or the lifestyle. Shack up with Paintingvenice and my living expenses don’t get slashed in half they get cut by 70 or 80 percent.

having been taken for a ride by a cocklodger once before, I have always struggled to trust since. The prevailing thinking and assumptions on this thread don’t help.

I suppose it's different in a long marriage. I do more of the housework and cooking. Ideally, I would have preferred that both of us earn the same, but it hasn't worked out like that.

Does he work similar hours? And does he pull his weight at home? Obviously, it clearly works for you, but I'm always a bit hesitant about this sort of set up. It's the old nurse/teacher vs doctor/CEO issue - both can work hard, similar hours etc, but one is going to get paid more. Does that mean that one should be penalised in a relationship?

If not in one pot, definitely proportionate to salary.

But this discussion should take place prior to moving in not after.

Before children, we split proportionately to earnings. He also usually paid for nights out/takeaways/holidays because my salary wouldn’t stretch to that.

Should one be penalised in the relationship? I think that's actually difficult to answer. My ex did a job that he LOVED, same hours as me, had to work hard, but working with his absolute passion. I on the other hand have my passions, but didn't work in that industry because WE couldn't afford to have both of us earning under £25k a year.

As it was I earned 4 times as much as him, in a job that I didn't particularly enjoy (don't hate it my any stretch of the imagination though). As it was we had the nice house, holidays, lots of meals out all in the main paid for by me. He had lots of disposable income and we were very equal in that way. But what wasn't equal was contribution and effort.

And you know what it is draining, to see someone that supposedly loves you take it all and happily watch you work 45-50 hours a week in a mundane job, whilst they swan around indulging their passions. They could choose to relieve the burden, do a job that they don't love quite so much to bring home a little more money, but they choose not to.

So for me this thread is very focused on equality of outcomes rather than equality of input. I think if one of you is working fewer hours but picking up more at home, then fine. If you both choose to work in less well paying jobs, because you love them fine. Split according to income.

But if one of you has decided to work part time to spend more time on hobbies, or give up well paid work to follow a dream role then I don't think the obligation is on another adult to support you.

I think joint account is the way to go.

Some men are defo tight but I can also see how some feel resentment when the wife doesn't want to go back to FT work and they're enabling it with their higher salary. We see plenty of cases where husband wants to reduce hours but wife won't step up and contribute evenly.

Yes, of course. Dh earns probably twice as much as I do - he's self-employed, so it's variable, but on average, probably about twice as much plus fewer expenses as he can put his work-related costs through the business, while I have to pay for mine. He pays 2/3 and I pay 1/3 into our joint account for each month. We then each have the remainder for personal spending. Obviously, if ever there is an emergency though, either of us could transfer money to the other to cover any additional costs, but generally yes, he earns more so he pays more. I'm not a fan of one joint account for everything though as I like having my own money and not needing to discuss between us how we chose to use our personal spending.

A friend who is a massive spender has married a man who is massively frugal, and the tension! He earns more, I think, but not sure. She is planning to quit her job for a more creative and less well paid job, and I think shit is going to hit the fan.