Have I ruined my son’s sleep for life?

[Havanawinter]

I feel almost ashamed to say this but my 6 year old cannot sleep alone ever and I’m worried I’ve fucked him up massively by trying to be gentle/responsive in my approach to sleep. For background he was never a good sleeper and I tried really hard to keep him in his own bed until he was 18 months old when I was so exhausted I gave up and let him bed share. It’s been like bag ever since, but the deal was we’d always put him to sleep in his own room.

I have no issue with him coming into our room in the night if he wakes but he’s so incapable of being alone he wants someone with him at all times when he’s asleep. If he stirs and sees he’s alone in his room he cries until we go to him. He’s 6 and a half. We get no evening and I can’t go on like this any more. Sometimes he’s up every 5 minutes all evening. I actually feel I’ve done him a disservice by not sleep training him. Is it too late?

No it's not too late. Does he have a night light, is it that when he wakes up he doesn't like being in the dark?

No, I was the same with my daughter and she did stay in my bed until she was 10 ish. It doesn’t last forever as she’s got no sleep problems now at nearly 16.

What’s the main issue I’m confused, where is he going to bed? Are you going with him at like 7pm?

No. Not at all.

I've never heard of a grown man needing resettling by his mum and sleeping in her bed, have you? 😁

But seriously, don't worry. It is not too late at all. You can start a nice bedtime routine. You need to be firm and it will not be quick or easy but it can be done. The only real thing that will make it fail is you giving up/in. It requires you to see past the short term hassle and you being knackered and keep your eyes on the prize down the road.

Fuck that. You need to sleep train him, let him cry it out, go and shush him, but keep putting him back to bed in his own bed. He'll soon stop. At 6 and a half thats really getting silly, I feel for you!

Do you have any spare cash to get some accessories, bedding, cool lamp... Make it a big boy bedroom! Make sure they have a toy/ nice blanket something for comfort... Also maybe play more in the room in the day to really get him comfortable in there, other than that being peristant and there are some good sleep coaches that could help if your really struggling.

Good luck and I hope you get some rest!

It isn't too late but it won't be easy and you'll need to be firm.

At 6, he is definitely old enough to stay in his own bed at night and understand that he must stay there until morning.

I'd make sure that he has a nightlight, maybe a new cuddly toy or that he has his favourite one etc but you really don't have to go on like this. He isn't a baby any more.

Agree it's not too late.

A night light may help, also perhaps a radio on low so it's comforting noise, but not intrusive.

How about a set of kids walkie talkies? It might be that he still calls to you over the walkie talkie, but if you can reply over them and settle him back, at least he is staying put. The novelty might appeal to him.

Failing that, bribery. He does one evening without disturbing you and he gets a treat, then two evenings, then three evenings, then four etc.

Of course you haven't FGS

Lots of selfish parents in the comments again

Agree with everyone else you haven't done anything wrong you can either a) wait for him to just decide he can sleep independently and I know a lot of mums who's 6/7 year old just one day said no thanks I'll sleep by myself now b) work a plan to change things, good he's of an age to understand and you can work out what helps both of you and him to feel safe or whatever it is that is needed for him to sleep by himself etc

Selfish how?

Sorry I wasn’t very clear, my issue is with one of us having to sit in his bed with him from 7pm onwards. I just can’t do it any more. He can come up in the night for as long as he likes, but I need 2 hours in the evening to talk to my husband, eat some dinner, watch a bit of telly.

Our soon to be 8 year old is the same. Still comes through just about every night.

The cats not happy and refuses to give up her spot now

My soon to be 16 year old was the same, but I can assure you he has put himself to bed for years and would be mortified to sleep in our bed now

He has such a cool bedroom! He has a double bed with Lego bedding, posters, a night light, toys, decorated exactly how he wants it. We made a huge deal of it for his birthday a few months ago. Didn’t work!

What is interesting is that he cries out for you and you go in to him rather than him coming out of his room. It makes me wonder if he is too scared when he wakes up to leave his bedroom. What is his room like? Does he have a lamp on? Is it dark? What does he use to comfort himself? Would you be okay if he listened to an audiobook if he woke? Would white noise help him?

As he is 6 you need to have a talk to him about sleeping and work out together how to help him sleep in his own bed. And no you haven't ruined it, he has just been taught this is how you sleep with a parent near you and now you need to learn to sleep without a parent always next to you.

For life no. But buckle up for a tough couple of weeks. You will need to be firm and very VERY consistent.

Dont worry you havent ruined his sleep for life.
My 6 year old was and still is a bad sleeper. We coslept alot between 2 and 4 years as it was just easier we all slept. He still comes into our bed I'd say half the week and at the moment development a scared of the dark phase when he wakes. To the point he wont even go to the bathroom that has a light left on to use the toilet.
But he's sleeping pattern does go in waves. We can have periods of weeks of not coming in and sleeping through then periods of up every night.

I like the 4am snuggles so not pushing to change it at the moment though.

My older son was like this. I never sleep trained him.

I did, however bribe him.

We used to lie with him until he was 4. Then we started sitting with him until he slept.

Once he was happy like that I started talking to him about falling asleep alone. He says he didn’t want it dark, wanted a story first, light on etc.

We put that in place and when he was ready I said he could have a specific toy once he went asleep on his own for 7 nights in a row but I wasn’t going to force him and it was up to him.

About 2 weeks later he was ready. And he’s been fine ever since.

I was always very clear that he could come to get us in the night if he was scared/upset/felt unwell etc.

Younger child just slept once we sorted his food intolerances.

Ours are like this.

My ridiculous solution.

Children's beds all changed to doubles.

School children go to sleep at usual time in mummy's bed if they must.

I go in when I've finished everything else. There is then another double for DH and or me.

They don't get up with this insistence of getting to my bed if they are already in it.

Sometimes I go to bed in their room, they tootle along eventually. But it seems the comfort of starting in my bed stopped the evening visits.

My sons like this and he's 8 this year.

We've just started a routine of tv / iPad turned off at 8.
Reading together ( in my bed ) till 8.30 then get him into his own bed.
I'll give him lots of cuddles & kisses and say goodnight and then I go to the next room where he can hear me and vice versa and we leave both the doors open.
Sometimes I'll sit under his bed ( he has a high gaming bed )
After a week or so he doesn't seem to mind it as much now and goes to sleep quite quickly.
He still gets in with me middle of the night though which I love

OK so this isn't sterling patenting but didn't allow some some sanity for the childs parents. They put in tv on his room with a dvd player and selection of child friendly dvds (quieter chilled cartoons/films), learned dc to change dvds if needed. The dc would then watch tv until they fell asleep. Allowed them some time downstairs without dc and eventually dc fell asleep watching dvds. They moved to audio books when a bit older

Did allow

He’ll grow out of it. Don’t worry.

I slept in the same bed as my mum until I was about 10.
I'm 30 now, and have never had a problem sleeping alone. I prefer it!
He will be fine! 😊