Have I ruined my son’s sleep for life?

[Havanawinter]

I feel almost ashamed to say this but my 6 year old cannot sleep alone ever and I’m worried I’ve fucked him up massively by trying to be gentle/responsive in my approach to sleep. For background he was never a good sleeper and I tried really hard to keep him in his own bed until he was 18 months old when I was so exhausted I gave up and let him bed share. It’s been like bag ever since, but the deal was we’d always put him to sleep in his own room.

I have no issue with him coming into our room in the night if he wakes but he’s so incapable of being alone he wants someone with him at all times when he’s asleep. If he stirs and sees he’s alone in his room he cries until we go to him. He’s 6 and a half. We get no evening and I can’t go on like this any more. Sometimes he’s up every 5 minutes all evening. I actually feel I’ve done him a disservice by not sleep training him. Is it too late?

My two year old is like this. And whilst she is 2 so I think it's okay, I keep thinking when can I stop laying down on the bed until she falls asleep. I have no evening either, and I am so tired of the dependency. She also calls out at night waking me up but going back to sleep herself (once she knows I'm still there!!).
She's always been a terrible sleeper!

My two DSs have both been like this. The first one finally grew out of it at 10 and the second one has just turned 9 and still sleeps with me. I have high hopes for him growing out of it at 10 too. Of course part of me understands in the camp of 'you need to be firm and chuck them out' but the part of me that wins is the part that doesn't want to see them sad and struggling. Only one more year to go so I will probably just make the most of my cuddly little boy whilst it lasts.

Time to be tough. Your set up would be drive me insane.

Have you tried letting him go to sleep in your bed? My daughter is 9 I am a single parent and she just hates sleeping in her room, if she goes to sleep in her bed - constantly up and down. In my bed straight to sleep and she keeps it lovely and warm. She knows I will come soon - though it's usually hours. She won't do it forever and at her Grandmas she is fine on her own ....well with the dog x. I know it

This is what worked for us. We had to do something, as we had 3 kids under 5, and couldn't stay with each of them all evening!

I would just say that I needed to do something in the other room, then come back within a few minutes. Each evening, I could leave for a little longer before coming back. But I always promised to come back, and I always did. Eventually I could promise to check on my DS on my way to bed, and that was enough for him to be able to get to sleep on his own, knowing that I would be in to check later. We would often wake up in the morning with him in our bed, but I didn't mind that, and that naturally stopped anyway when he was about 7.

This. I can’t imagine wasting so much time in life sitting waiting for the kids to go to sleep. This has ruined so many of my friends lives and their relationships.

Also, to have another baby before sorting this is not helpful at all! I don’t understand what the OP thought was going to happen?!

It takes a few days if that. Especially if done at the right time.

I can’t imagine wasting years and years of evenings!

Get them in their own rooms as a soon as advised. Sleep train if necessary. Rather than years of faff and bad sleep for everyone.

I honestly think a lot of how good a sleeper we are is genetic. I'm an amazing sleeper, could sleep anywhere, my son is the same. DH absolute opposite.

I would be worrying about your marriage rather than your child's sleep at this stage. You need to get your personal space back as a couple.

They're chalk and cheese, 4 months is so much harder sleepwise than an older child. Don't worry about it now.

My daughter is almost 3 and she asked to go into her own room a little after 2 and still comes into our bed partway through the night.

It's ok, it's manageable. Better to be a responsive parent than to be a selfish one in my opinion.

DS always had a story read to him and then a CD playing while he went to sleep (and we were downstairs). It did settle him and he seemed to sleep well. We had a whole load of Horrible Histories CDs which he loved (and he did end up with a history degree so maybe it helped)! Could something like that work?

I know a lot of posters have suggested screens, but please don’t do that. That does cause problems that last into adulthood (or can) and suppresses melatonin production, which your ds needs for sleep. They should be away from screens minimum of an hour prior to sleep.

I wouldn’t panic, but think the poster above who mentioned a gradual way with positive encouragement and a reward at the end had great advice. I’d not do it suddenly, as it’s a big change, build up to it gradually. Also I always find reading books about the idea of whatever I’m introducing helps, could you track some down and chat about it during the story, ask him what he thinks will help?

Read this story to reinforce sleeping in his own bed

www.amazon.co.uk/Sleep-Your-Big-Little-Dragon/dp/B0875Z5X8Q?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=77b80edd-95e4-49c8-b887-266889e51b82

Is he actually tired at 7pm? It's quite early I think.

What worked for us at that age when DD suddenly became the worst bedtime person I ever encountered was audio tapes. We started with meditation ones to enable her to calm down and then moved to story tapes. We read to her one book/read it together and then she had another one to listen to and she fell asleep 8 out of 10 in 1/2 hour.

I wonder if the bedtime you're attempting is part of the problem - 7pm is very early for a six year old! Most six year olds sleep between 9-11hrs per night so with a 7pm bedtime you'd be looking at him having had enough sleep by 4-6am. Would he settle better if you pushed back bedtime? Our six year old sleeps roughly 9pm-6:30am, or a perfectly normal 9.5hrs. We sit with him while he falls asleep and then he sleeps through.

Would yours actually fall asleep in your bed and then just stay there? Humans are the only mammals to attempt to get their infants to sleep elsewhere, all other mammals cosleep (as have the majority of humans throughout history, and as do the majority of humans today - it's a small recent minority in some locations only who try to put their young to sleep elsewhere). So your child is (from an evolutionary biology perspective) totally normal. You might find it easier to work with his instincts rather than fight against them. Have you read The Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith?