AIBU to be RAGING?! My bloody ExH has THROWN AWAY DD'S memory box

[BarbaraVineFan]

It's a long story. Briefly,ExH lives abroad, had an affair and left me for OW when DD was 18 months old. At the time we were all living abroad but then my mum got ill and died suddenly and I had to come back to England with DD to be near my elderly dad. DD is now 4 and has been living in a different country to her dad for 2 and a half years.

When I had to come back to England suddenly, I could only bring what I could carry. So I left DD's memory box with XH. We even had a conversation about how it would be nice for him to have it, since he wouldn't see DD very much.

Anyway, now he and OW (now married) are moving to a different country, and are getting rid of a lot of stuff. I messaged him to say 'don't forget to bring DD'S memory box with you'. At first he said 'I didn't remember that I had a box' and then 'I don't know where it is ' and then'I think it has been inadvertently thrown away.'

I am so upset. All her little baby things were in that box - tiny clothes, her first pair of shoes, special baby toys, her hospital bracelet. And what makes it worse is that he CLEARLY COULDN'T HAVE GIVEN LESS OF A SHIT about the box. Honestly, this is the last straw.

Im really sorry but honestly, in the end it's just stuff. Most parents end up with it a dusty box in an attic and never ever look at it. He clearly has your DD way down on his list of priorities and he simply won't care if he upsets you either. For your own sanity, detach and move past it.

The last straw for what? Honestly, while I understand that you're very upset, just let it go the best you can. The box is gone, it's not coming back, and all the anger in the world won't change that. I'm sorry that this happened.

You aren’t being unreasonable to be upset, @BarbaraVineFan , but you still have all the memories, and will make many, many more.

I’m so sorry- that would make me sad too. However if my parents had lost a baby box of mine I wouldn’t have cared- remember that.

I'm sure there are many reasons for you to be annoyed with him but I think you are being unreasonable here. If the box was so important to you, why didn't you ask him for it back? You really can't expect someone else to have the same approach to you.

Not being interested in the box doesn't necessarily mean your dd is not important to him. We have some boxes shoved in a wardrobe from when the dc were young. They really are not important to me and the dc (all adults now) have never shown much interest in them. Dh is more sentimental than me so I wouldn't bin them as he would be upset. However, if we were downsizing, the boxes would definitely be downsized with only a few items being kept.

I totally understand why you are upset, I would feel the same.

But these are your memories, not your dad's. I did boxes for DD1 and 2. Obviously didn't get round to doing it for DD3. DD1 and 2 were given them on their 18th. They were interested for about 5 minutes. In truth they didn't care about their first shoes, newspapers from the day they were born or cards from people they have never met.

They are far more interested in things they have memories of, family holidays, favourite books, songs we sang together...

So be sad, and angry for you, but don't worry about your DD, she really won't notice.

YANBU to be furious and upset, I would be too. Those little mementos are irreplaceable and mean so much. I'm really sorry he's done something so awful

You didn't care enough about it to collect it at any point in the past 2.5 years. It's also not much of a memory box if it's only the first 18 months of her life. The one you are keeping for her now between 1 and 18 will have so much in it that the early stuff won't really be missed in the long run.

Memory boxes don't mean anything to a lot of people. My dad would never have created a box for me if my mum hadn't. That didn't mean he was a bad dad who didn't care - he showed his love in many other ways.

I think you should just be glad he didn't try to stop you taking his daughter to another country.

Oh that’s so upsetting, I’m sorry. My ex has our children’s in his attic and I know he would never throw them out (unless by genuine mistake). I’d never forgive him if he did

I wish my parents had a box for me. Maybe it wasn’t done so much in the 1970’s, but I think it makes you feel valued and cherished to have one. That’s how I’d feel anyway if my parents got one out every 5yrs and we cooed over the memories.

The memories you make with your children will be the most important to them, though, not a box.

I like looking at old photos and videos but I couldn’t care less about seeing my christening shoes.

Yes, I'd be annoyed.

But the relief that I was allowed to return to my home country, rather than him taking it through the Courts, which he could have, and being forced to remain there, is a deal I'd make every day.

You were extremely lucky.

I still have my own hospital bracelet, 55 years old and I treasure it. You are right to be raging at him I’m so sorry.

Try to put it into perspective. You still have your daughter. You will have many more memories. What does he have?

@BarbaraVineFan I'd be murderous!

he sounds like a complete wanker anyway, add this in &....

what happened with all of your & DD's stuff when it became obvious you weren't going back there?

id have gone back as soon as I could to sort it out & ship it home. But if that was too difficult/unaffordable I'd have just got him to box it up & id have organised the freight

i have 33 boxes here I freighted from overseas (different situation, but also emotional & difficult)

but irrespective of that one of them is an ever bigger cunt than before!

have you got a 'after we came back to the uk' memory box? If not, get one going. Maybe get DD to put something in each year, even if it's a photo of her favourite thing at the time & a shirt note she's written herself. I love reading my mums notes, but they reflect different things to mine.

I understand why you are raging but honestly it is just stuff. These things will not change her life so focus on creating memories and keeping each other happy and safe.

You are right to be annoyed. But honestly those items probably mean more to you than your child.

I was convinced DS had an attachment to a particular item, it came with him when he moved from foster care. I always kept an eye on it and made sure it wasn't lost or in need of repair. Turns out he isn't in the slightest bit bothered by it.

First rule of ex’s behaviour. Whatever you leave them with for safekeeping, you will never ever get it back no matter how much they say they will look after it.

Be grateful it’s not a plant or a pet.

See I just don’t care- I know I was born, I know my name and dob- that’s all a bracelet will say. The memory of me being born died with my parents. Now the stuff I hold dear for my children I cherish.

My arsehole sperm donor binned mine too when my (arsehole but not quite as bad) mother finally left him when I was a toddler - after she suffered years of abuse.
Why my mother left it with him knowing what he was like I'll never know.
What made me more bitter is she remarried and had my brother, and then made sure to keep his in an extra special place. So she took more care to cherish his than mine... which, in the grand scheme of things is nothing, but as I was made the scapegoat of the family and was regularly hurt while my brother never had a finger laid on him, it all adds up to feeling unwanted and unloved.

That being said, I doubt your daughter will ever have those feelings about you. At the end of the day, as long as she always feels loved and safe, you are doing amazing, so don't hold onto any guilt or anger over it.

I would be so upset, it's irreplaceable.

It's not DD's memory box as she won't have any recall of that time, it's yours.

You are the one upset, don't be a proxy for your child.

I think YABU. You took the most important thing from him, his child. A memory box is meaningless. If it HAD meant something to you, you’d have made sure that you’d got it back.

Omg so many people are so chilled about this?! I mean yes I get he might care less about “stuff” and that fine but seeing as you had a discussion about it and then he lied when you asked at first, he blatantly knows it meant a lot to you. And is it that much to expect your kid’s dad to keep like that something safe? Not like you asked him to house a pet elephant for fucks sake. It’s just a tiny box. Was it a genuine mistake or are we betting the new wife wasn’t happy with it being in the house? (In which case he could’ve just mailed it to you)

I understand why you're upset, but i do think you need to let this go. I have memory boxes for my kids but I honestly can't remember where they are! I know they're in the house/garage somewhere, but I couldn't pinpoint exactly where!