AIBU to be RAGING?! My bloody ExH has THROWN AWAY DD'S memory box

[BarbaraVineFan]

It's a long story. Briefly,ExH lives abroad, had an affair and left me for OW when DD was 18 months old. At the time we were all living abroad but then my mum got ill and died suddenly and I had to come back to England with DD to be near my elderly dad. DD is now 4 and has been living in a different country to her dad for 2 and a half years.

When I had to come back to England suddenly, I could only bring what I could carry. So I left DD's memory box with XH. We even had a conversation about how it would be nice for him to have it, since he wouldn't see DD very much.

Anyway, now he and OW (now married) are moving to a different country, and are getting rid of a lot of stuff. I messaged him to say 'don't forget to bring DD'S memory box with you'. At first he said 'I didn't remember that I had a box' and then 'I don't know where it is ' and then'I think it has been inadvertently thrown away.'

I am so upset. All her little baby things were in that box - tiny clothes, her first pair of shoes, special baby toys, her hospital bracelet. And what makes it worse is that he CLEARLY COULDN'T HAVE GIVEN LESS OF A SHIT about the box. Honestly, this is the last straw.

I'd be so upset too

I can understand how raging you are about the box, definately I can. My ex conveniently lost our daughter's baby videos - he told her he'd been looking in the loft for them but must have left them in the loft at the old family home. Mind you he also said he couldn't find our marriage certificate when I asked him for it (for the divorce papers) but a week later divorce papers dropped through my letter box! The videos were so precious to me - me & DD had to get away from him for our own safety and sanity so left with very little - not long after he kindly dumped everything of ours on the front garden - minus the specific things I had asked for - the videos were on the list. She's 18 now, we're still not divorced after 15 years.

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes the things that mean the most to us mean even more when we can't have them. I don't have an answer but I do know exactly how you feel xx

I'd be angry because he could have posted it to you instead of throwing it away. Remember you still have your DD.

We're just pointing out that legally he could possibly have stopped you. The fact he didn't drag you through a legal battle is something you should be thankful for. Because a court could have ruled that your child needed to remain in that country.

I think this is misplaced emotion. Your anger is about him moving on in his life without you and your daughter and the thrown away box represents that. It's sad about the box, yes, but "raging"? that's something else.

I don't think this is what is happening. She is raging because her ex has the mentality of an ape.

I think you're being a little bit harsh on your mum here. If she had to escape years of abuse, maybe she was focusing more on getting you both to a place of safety, and probably didn't even think about the box until afterwards. You can't blame her for that, in times of desperation you focus on the more important things. Cut her some slack.

Remember we've just come out of a global pandemic. Travel wasn't possible for quite a long time.

If you cared about it that much you’d have brought it with you. Your anger has obviously built up from everything else. I’m sorry your ex found someone else then your dad got sick, have you sought therapy for those issues? Hopefully if you get some you'll see this is a trivial none issue.

I understand being upset that it’s gone, I would be too but there isn’t much you can do about it now unfortunately and it’s not worth the time it will consume in your head. If dd is 4 I imagine she’s bringing home lots of lovely art so maybe start collecting some special pieces for yourself.

I bed DD3 was bothered for more than 5mins though. I’d never forget that

Well, I doubt that she would have cheated on her partner, so it's a pointless question. He cheated, which shows he gave a very little damn about his child.

Of course she needed to go home. Who wants to be stranded in a foreign country because a partner can't keep his wee willy from exploring new territory?

OP--How many times has your ex come to see his DD since you both went back to the UK? The Ex and the OW are moving to what country?

I haven’t even made memory boxes. I have a few bits of baby clothes in a box in the loft. Umbilical cords are somewhere and Teeth and god knows where the red books are 😂 terrible mum clearly. Maybe I need to go and make some boxes 🫣

I remember my mum digging mine out and frankly when she dies I’ll end up binning it. Photos will be kept. But stuff is just stuff. I don’t think most people care about their own baby memory boxes.

I see why you're upset as those things were very meaningful for you. Fwiw my mum saved the hospital bracelets for us, and I have never been at all bothered. So it may be that DD doesn't feel it as a loss. But you're pissed off and that's valid.

There's nothing practical you can do to get them back, but what I think I would do in your shoes is start another memory box for DD and reframe it as a childhood one. Don't make it about the baby things not being there, make it about what is there. That way, if she does grow up to be interested in stuff like that, she'll still have something.