AIBU to be RAGING?! My bloody ExH has THROWN AWAY DD'S memory box

[BarbaraVineFan]

It's a long story. Briefly,ExH lives abroad, had an affair and left me for OW when DD was 18 months old. At the time we were all living abroad but then my mum got ill and died suddenly and I had to come back to England with DD to be near my elderly dad. DD is now 4 and has been living in a different country to her dad for 2 and a half years.

When I had to come back to England suddenly, I could only bring what I could carry. So I left DD's memory box with XH. We even had a conversation about how it would be nice for him to have it, since he wouldn't see DD very much.

Anyway, now he and OW (now married) are moving to a different country, and are getting rid of a lot of stuff. I messaged him to say 'don't forget to bring DD'S memory box with you'. At first he said 'I didn't remember that I had a box' and then 'I don't know where it is ' and then'I think it has been inadvertently thrown away.'

I am so upset. All her little baby things were in that box - tiny clothes, her first pair of shoes, special baby toys, her hospital bracelet. And what makes it worse is that he CLEARLY COULDN'T HAVE GIVEN LESS OF A SHIT about the box. Honestly, this is the last straw.

I'm not a "stuff" person. I don't have DD's first this or that because I don't see value in them. I do remember when they happened though. Some people think I'm weird for NOT having this stuff. I bet you have loads of photos and memories though OP. Treasure those.

They're just bits of material;you'll always have your own memory box that your ex can't destroy and that's your brain containing your memories of your beautiful daughter.

For those saying I took his child away, should I have stayed as a single mum in a foreign country with no support network and let my dad grieve on his own?

And also - the reason I didn't 'go and collect it'.is because it was several thousand miles away, and also because I left it with XH SO he would have something meaningful of DD's

Yes but it's not up to you to decide what is meaningful to someone else.

We had a conversation about it! He said at the time it would be nice to keep it

He could have forced you to stay. You won the war. You lost a battle. Count your blessings.

Just be glad you are rid of him. It was nice of you to leave him the box,very kind, but you did leave it for him. You have her every day and have real memories. Stuff isn’t memories, it’s just things. You have your memories in your head. Also as an aside I’d hate it if I was given a box of things to care for by my parents, it’s just more stuff to look after and store.

It sounds like a reason to get angry at your DH. You had to leave in a hurry - fair enough. But that was over 2,5 years ago - you haven’t had time to go back and pick up anything? If it was that important you would have made sure you got it somehow.
you are also very lucky you were allowed to leave with your child. Many countries would not allow this until the child is 18 unless the father gives express permission.

Haha! Yes! I just went through boxes and boxes if children’s things and some things I had been terrified to get rid of they had clean forgot!

It really depends on what was best for the child. You got your support network in exchange for their relationship. But I dont know what their relationship was like or could have become, so only you can say if that was a fair exchange.

I really feel for you. It was important to you, and you trusted that it would be important to him. And especially hurtful since it’s your shared child, and he didn’t consider those items precious enough to mind. I’d be deeply hurt and angry. To you, it’s not ‘just stuff.’ YANBU but maybe you can put together your own photo book to print and keep; it might be therapeutic and go some way to fill the gap. 💐

Oh OP I'd be devastated. Regardless of how much other people don't care about "stuff", it was important to you. I've kept my DS's first shoes, first lock of hair etc. They are cherished and important to me, so yes I'd be absolutely fuming too. Your ex knew this, and he's chucked it anyway. Those things are sentimental and irreplaceable.

So yes, 100% be angry about this. Of course in the grand scheme of things they are meaningless material things, but that doesn't mean they were any less important to you. And as PPs have said, focus on the fact you have your DD with you and you can make so many new memories with her. Those are what count. You could start a little scrap book with her. Something to fill that little loss but you can do together instead :-)

Exactly.....think others are minimising and dismitting this alot here....or maybe they just aren't sentimental people.

Memories are incredibly important to me too, I would be devastated aswell OP.

@BarbaraVineFan how would you feel if your ex had taken your DD hundreds of miles away from you?

Let it go. What's your dd going to do with a scrap of plastic that the hospital put round her wrist (and every single person thats in hospital wears) when she was born? They'll be seen as far more important to you than her. Be grateful you managed to come home and that she wasn't legally made to stay abroad with your ex.

@crumblingschools i would have followed him, of course. I would not ever live away from my DD, but ex chose to do so by leaving in the first place. HeBritish and all his family is here - the only reason he stayed in the country we were living in was for OW. He never suggested I shouldn't leave, was not overly upset and has done things since like forgetting DD's age...

What??? Is this serious? He left his wife and child. He chose to take himself away. In what moral universe does that give him the right to then dictate where they can live? (And I realise many jurisdictions are so misogynistic that men basically own their children.)

OP was kind enough to leave the treasured possessions with him, so he would have those tangible memories. I would have told him to go to hell, but OP was nice, probably in the hope that he would show some affection to their child.

OP, he was and is a worthless piece of shit. I sympathise with your hurt and anger. It’s not just about the box, it underlines his lndifference to his child. Sorry you are hurting again now. It’s another rejection.

Thank god he is out of your and her lives.

You’ll go on loving DD and making happy memories for her. Best wishes to you both.

I can’t believe some of the comments on here.

He chose to take himself away. In what moral universe does that give him the right to then dictate where they can live? (And I realise many jurisdictions are so misogynistic that men basically own their children.)

The Hague Convention applies to men and women. DH and I both have dual nationality. We are both prevented from taking DD to another country without each other's say-so. It's why when you live somewhere you should make very sure you want to stay there before getting pregnant.

It's not morality, it's legality.

Your daughter is only 4. You will have lots and lots of opportunities to capture lovely moments - photographs, videos and artwork, probably much more interesting than baby stuff.

I feel so sorry for you but your mistake was letting him have something that was DD's memory box. It made no sense for him to have it. I would ask him to have another look and if he knows he's chucked it out to try and get it back and tell you the truth that it has gone.

What a twat. I'm angry for you!

Some of these replies are batshit and it's not a memory box FOR DD it's about DD - I think? The memory box is sentimental value (or should be) for mum and dad.

Oh OP I'm not sentimental but I would cry for days. DC's memory box is the only thing I've kept in all the moves. Of course you're upset, and it isn't just stuff.

I would do my best to recreate it. Print off photos of you and DD in hospital, scan photo copies, even a toy just like the one she had. You could make it with her. Then, give yourself permission to be sad for a bit and move on. She's so little you can still make a lovely box.

As others have said, count your blessings! He obviously gives no fucks.

By the way there was a post a while ago about a mum with teenage DDs who was clearing out the attick and making memory boxes from their childhood things. She was so upset because husband said there was no room and to chuck the things! Everyone agreed husband was wrong, the boxes were special, and she should get to keep them.

It is upsetting, but in the ends it’s okay. I’m so sorry he did that to you two ;( what crap