To stop my children seeing their dad on the grounds of neglect.

[Scrabble1234]

I separated from my childrens father 2 years ago after an emotionally abusive relationship for 6 years. I have 2 children ds(7) and dd(5) and they go to their dads every other weekend and the Wednesday overnight on the alternative week. He does not pick them up from school or drop them off as he says he works (so do I) and does not pay any child maintanance (ongoing issue with cms) and will not even provide clothing etc when they are at his.

I am not able to communicate with him about anything because he will shut down any concerns or call me manipulative or abusive. I have tried to keep contact going for the sake of the children, my ds especially struggled with their dad leaving and I think to an extent blamed me (their dad uses very self pitying language around them and is not tactful in the slightest). I have gotten to the point where I am not able to ignore the treatment of them anymore. This last weekend my dd had a headache for the last few days before and had been off school. I sent her over with a high temperature and asked if I could call on the Saturday to check if she was okay. He said at the time but on the day ignored my call which I expected.

when they came back they had been wearing the same clothes all weekend, had not brushed their teeth and dd’s hair was matted, this is not the first time that it’s happened but She was boiling hot and i asked her If she had had calpol which she said she hadn’t over the weekend. Ds said that their dad had been asleep the entire weekend in his bedroom leaving them to their own devices and waking up to give them meals. I texted their dad to say that they need to have their basic needs met if they are to go to his house which he accused me of lying. I’m not sure how to go about fixing this situation as I’m in no two minds that it’s neglect and I don’t feel safe sending them to be perfectly honest. Does anyone have any advice as to how to go about doing it.

My 7yo twins would definitely need to be prompted to brush their teeth, they have brushed their teeth twice a day for their entire lives, they would still need to be prompted to do it though.

I would absolutely hate this....allowing a child's hair to become matted is disgusting!

OP I 100% understand why you want to withhold contact and I’d feel the same.

However I cannot stress how, if this goes to court, ridiculously reasonable you have to be. The family courts are weighed in favour of men who are very good about crying about parental alienation. If you withhold contact and he claims you are abusive and have alienated the kids it could look very bad for you.

Family courts are also unlikely to stop children seeing their dad due to hair not being brushed, as whilst it’s shit parenting it’s not considered neglect.

My advice: send them, keep things amicable as hell even if it kills you, and document any concerns as best you can. In the meantime lawyer up - get a formal agreement in place and get some money off him once and for all

Well in my case, listen to my concerns and act accordingly. Which in turn would have prevented my ex battering his step child. I'd raised concerns about neglect and emotional abuse towards my children multiple times and they stated it's a family court issue. Luckily I took advice from a solicitor and stopped contact. It didn't prevent other children living in the home from being abused though.

Horrendous. I’d never send them back. Those poor kids.

It is a family court or private law issue, what do you think SSD would do. What is 'act accordingly'

You have the right to stop contact if you feel the children are unsafe and as you say thats what you did, why wouldnt you? You then return to court (or you wait for the partner to return to court) if syou wish

Other children living in the home is a different matter and whatever assessment came out of that, you're drip feeding now.

If a parent wants to amend the agreement or orders in place around contact with the non resident parent, they either need to take action or return to court, its on them to do.

The irony of my case was exh was professing to be the better parent.. Told the court and dc I was a prostitute!!

My case is completely different to OP so I don't know why you have an issue with my wording. I told the OP exactly what she should do. Including not to bother with social services as it is pointless.

In an ideal world, social services would look at the allegations of neglect and have some form of involvement to prevent that and ensure contact can happen but is safe. Instead they'll just blame the safe parent for allowing the child to go. Family court isn't well known for protecting children from abusers...

You don’t need to confront him. Just stop allowing them to go. Its neglect let him take you to court. He sounds too lazy. Why does he even want them if he isn’t spending time with them? Please protect your children.

Erm I work in a primary school and if we had children coming to school in that condition it would be a cause for concern and flagged. Having partial custody of two children requires you to care for you. Whether or not a 7 year old should be brushing their teeth independently doesn't mean that they will. A responsible parent should monitor this.

*requires you to care for them

Sadly family courts have different standards and thresholds to school. Which is very wrong but it is what it is

I presume Cafcass would get the chance to learn he sleeps a lot and leaves dc unattended.. Far too young for that. Can your oldest use a phone? They should ring you to collect them if he is asleep. Every time.

I think the ex-Gf might he right, and might be able to provide evidence for you.

I would withold contact. He can threaten to take you to court but will he follow through? Somehow I doubt it. He can kick off outside your house all he likes. If contact isn't court ordered then ring the police to get him removed.

Not neglect when their Dad doesn’t give them meds when they’re ill & sleeps all day? Ok then…

@KarenNotAKaren I truthfully don't have any experience in any scenario involving family courts etc so I couldn't argue with that. However, I will say that if the father made this a regular occurrence and children were going to school in this state, it'd definitely be noted and many schools have social workers based in school. There's definitely a degree of neglect here. It does surprise me that family court wouldn't consider these elements of basic care not being met though. Genuinely awful 😞

Mediation with an abuser is a bad idea, it will be used to abuse you further

Given the underfunded social care system and the threshold that has to be worked to, I don't think social services will react.

Look at the state of some of the houses children live in with their own parents, or with their mum and partner. Some of my home visits show shocking standards of living, with social care involved. Children are not removed or prevented from being with their parent.

Sadly, when photos have been released via the courts to the press, in a child death situation, the home environment and state of the child has been appalling.

Not defending anyone or saying it is right.

Matted hair in 2 days, what the heck were they doing??

A dad sleeping and not providing basic care for small children isn't unsafe?

Okay Thank you for all of the replies. It’s been a lot of food for thought. I’m going to speak to him this morning and see where that gets me. I’m worried about cutting off contact and the parental alienation side of things as someone’s previously said as that’s 100% a road we could go down. I’m going to state about mediation and about how the basic needs aren’t being met and then reiterate it in a text message straight after. I think he’ll just storm off huffily or not even speak to me in the first place which is his current way of ‘punishing’ me is to pretend I don’t exist on drop offs and pick ups and any other kind of communication.

@fuckssaaaaake my children are biracial and have extremely curly hair

@SunflowerSeeds123 im sure she was right but the timing was maliciously motivated as she could have said something when they were together but chose to wait until she was given a restraining order (his abuse). Which is why social services put it down as malicious. Unfortunately she is a thoroughly unpleasant woman who I imagine was abused just as much as I was but she has also made my life living hell for around 18 months and I don’t think I could communicate with her in any way due to constant harassment when they were together.

So I spoke to him at drop off today. I told him that the Wednesday overnights I’m not going to do anymore as it’s detrimental to the childrens wellbeing. He said if you want to stop me seeing his kids to take him to court then said anything I need to say I have to send a letter 😅.then slammed his car door and drove off. So I’ve reiterated about the Wednesdays and that I’ve contacted mediation over a text message. I’m not bringing up the concerns with their care until mediation as he is incredible at manipulating situations and telling me I’m a straight up liar so best to do it in a formal setting

I'm inclined to believe her - can you get in touch wjth her? It's very unlikely that she would do that maliciously if she's bitter- if she's a bitter nasty woman she'd be more likely to slash his tires or badmouth him to friends, not make up lies about children? This strikes me as 'oh gosh if I'm not looking after those children who willl - I can't stay involved so I have to hand this over to authority'

I feel you - the anxiety before breaking news. Do you have a family member that can help
With this communication?

Do you have a suggestion eg he takes them
To a park or soft play on a Saturday and you do the meals and overnight etc?

If he's not paying cm anyway then he shouldnt care about not having over nights. Poor you getting no break though (I'm in this position) but no break is better than worrying they're not safe