To stop my children seeing their dad on the grounds of neglect.

[Scrabble1234]

I separated from my childrens father 2 years ago after an emotionally abusive relationship for 6 years. I have 2 children ds(7) and dd(5) and they go to their dads every other weekend and the Wednesday overnight on the alternative week. He does not pick them up from school or drop them off as he says he works (so do I) and does not pay any child maintanance (ongoing issue with cms) and will not even provide clothing etc when they are at his.

I am not able to communicate with him about anything because he will shut down any concerns or call me manipulative or abusive. I have tried to keep contact going for the sake of the children, my ds especially struggled with their dad leaving and I think to an extent blamed me (their dad uses very self pitying language around them and is not tactful in the slightest). I have gotten to the point where I am not able to ignore the treatment of them anymore. This last weekend my dd had a headache for the last few days before and had been off school. I sent her over with a high temperature and asked if I could call on the Saturday to check if she was okay. He said at the time but on the day ignored my call which I expected.

when they came back they had been wearing the same clothes all weekend, had not brushed their teeth and dd’s hair was matted, this is not the first time that it’s happened but She was boiling hot and i asked her If she had had calpol which she said she hadn’t over the weekend. Ds said that their dad had been asleep the entire weekend in his bedroom leaving them to their own devices and waking up to give them meals. I texted their dad to say that they need to have their basic needs met if they are to go to his house which he accused me of lying. I’m not sure how to go about fixing this situation as I’m in no two minds that it’s neglect and I don’t feel safe sending them to be perfectly honest. Does anyone have any advice as to how to go about doing it.

It makes them neglected which can lead to
unsafe

You need to get into family court and get court ordered contact. Allowing only daytime visits would sort a lot of this out.

If she was the one actually looking after them maybe she was genuinely concerned for their safety without her there.

This is depressing...

You need to stop seeing the ex gf's social services referral as malicious. You admit the content of it was true (eg sleeping all day, neglecting the children). It sounds like she cares for your kids and was aware that her leaving would mean no one was looking after them when they were there so did the best thing she could and alert ss rather than just walk out and leave them to it.
Call social services and follow up and say it's turned out it's all true. You will be in a much stronger position to protect your kids because they will have had two referrals from different people.
If you bump into her, thank her profusely. Or message her on facebook or similar.q

Record everything and then let him take you to court - if he can be bothered.

Your children are better off and safer without someone like that in their lives.

If the kids were living like this full time it would certainly be neglect, how long would they go without clean clothes or brushed hair/teeth? It's only because they are going back to OPs house that it isn't left to become a serious issue.

Having worked for social services, I would say it’s not brilliant parenting, but not bad enough for social services to be interested.

Stop doing the drop off and pick up. If he can't be bothered to do that then contact will either fizzle out or he will step up.

I would put it in writing that your ill DC was unmedicated and that they say he was in bed all weekend and you don't think it's a suitable environment for them anymore especially due to the things he says to them that are manipulative.

I had a similar situation with some additional emotional abusive behaviours. School raised a safe guarding. And although social services did call me and ex. They said it wasn't great parenting but not bad enough to warrant their involvement. And I was the protective factor to ensure the children were well cared for. No further action was taken.

Slightly strange a child of 7 needs to be told to brush their teeth or tbh 5. However that not the issue. Sounds like ex not coping. Do you have a social worker or someone professional you can talk too. I wouldn't be happy for my dd to go there if he her dad. Understand your concerns.

They have gone overnight tonight as he showed up. I had told him a week ago that we’re cutting out the fortnightly overnight but he told me Whe he dropped them off that he WILL be here and I don’t want him kicking off on my doorstep but I’m going to tell him tomorrow verbally that I have applied for mediation. I have bathed and hair washed the kids and they’re in their jammies when they went. I cannot text this information as he does not respond to any of my messages and I don’t know whether to withhold contact whilst sorting out mediation. It’s a minefield, but I’m definitely going to say that the levels of care that the children are receiving are unacceptable

Really 🤷‍♀️ my 14 year old would happily skip teeth if we didn’t insist on it! Bizarrely though he wants several showers a day 🤷‍♀️

You can text or email it even if he doesn't reply.

I'd be concerned if this was me i won't lie. What kind of dad stays in bed all day leaving his young kids to fend for themselves?! That's terrible!

Please act now op. My exh neglected the dc terribly. Court declared it just different parenting styles... Apparently leaving 3 dc under 10 home alone whilst he went to the pub every Saturday night was fine.
Do you want your dc know as them scruffy kids?

I was just going to post this, why all the recommendations to refer in to social services/safeguarding leads, what do you think is going to come of that

If you as th parent think that you are putting the children into an unsafe situation by engaging with contact then your responsibility is to change that/go to court or whatever

However as others have pointed out, there has to be a very high risk to the children for this to be considered unsafe, neglect over a weekend (they dont live there full time) is not unsafe, its not nice and its not brilliant and they may chooose to vote with their feet in any case and not want to visit, but its not unsafe unless the issue around him sleeping means he is not supervising them for long periods and they could find themselves in danger

If the court order it, then unless you want to make application to challenge that, then the contact will continue

Social services won't get involved and will claim it's a 'family court' issue. Don't waste your time with it.

You are perfectly entitled to stop the contact and allow him to take you to court. Stop doing the leg work for him by applying to mediation. Id allow facetimes and maybe short face to face visits at a neutral place but by the sounds of it, he won't comply with that so stopping it maybe the answer. I bet he won't even take you court.

I’d absolutely stop contact. Not changing their clothes is bad enough, but not giving medication is something else. They are at risk with him. Perhaps he’s depressed, or hungover, but whatever it is he’s not safe to care for children

Claim?

It is a private family issue. You dont want someone unsafe or inappropriate around the kids? Then dont allow it

If that takes private proceedings to be thrashed out then so be it.

What exactly would you have SSD do?

Brushing should be supervised by an adult until the age of 7-8. No way should a 5 year old be left to remember to brush their own teeth or perform it without supervision.

I wouldnt hesitate t stop contact.

I remember my ex never used to get the kids dressed. He wasn’t neglectful just lazy. We are on good terms and now and again he sends me a video of the kids when young as a memory popped up etc and they are never wearing anything but pants / nappy. But he did wash them / clean teeth. I agree with the mediation as perhaps you can agree some basic rules. I mean being present and not in bed should be a basic but sounds like he needs it spelling out

I agree with @RandomMess thst in this situation you probably don’t need to officially stop contact or take it to court.

At the moment you are doing an awful lot of facilitation on his days - picking up from school, sorting logistics, feeding, bathing, communication etc.

One option would be to stop that and see what happens. Give him the option that he can pick up from school on Wednesday or not have them. If he chooses not to pick up from school then you get them and go somewhere for the evening do that he can’t cause a scene.

Same deal on the Friday night - he picks up from school or he has them from Saturday morning whichever he prefers.

If he kicks off about it you say “I can’t help with childcare on your days - I’m working and can’t afford to keep doing this for you. I’m open to you picking them up from school, you booking your own childcare if you want or to me having them on those days. Up to you.”

Ime your dc will remember these things and wonder why you accepted this for them.
Or worse accept they are OK because df allows them.
Then ex will die after being a fucking disgusting df and the dc will get huge tattoos in his memory.. And you will want to puke..