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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long rant - hesitated over where to post it - settled for AIBU. About Dad and his jurassic attitude to women.

64 replies

eekamoose · 19/03/2008 21:28

Trying to be brief: at family occasion a while ago, me DH and two dcs were invited to big lunch by DDad and StepMum at their house. Others there included my older brother and his partner (male) and my 3 younger half siblings, all in their 20s, 2 of whom (both male) living at home.

So my step-mum as usual serves up lovely Sunday lunch. After lunch DS fills nappy so I go upstairs to change him. By the time I come back down, the table has been cleared and Dad is serving out the port and liqueurs.

So Dad says to me "you can help Step-Mum make the coffee". Well this is not unreasonable, except for the fact that while I have been upstairs changing the nappy, there have been 6 grown men (3 of whom actually live in the house) and another grown woman sitting round the table waiting for their coffee and liqueurs to be served up to them.

I'm afraid I said to Dad "What about all these others here who could do the coffee. Why are you giving me the job?"

It was not about the time and effort involved in making the coffee AT ALL, but I know he only gave the task to me because I was the oldest female present apart from my step-mother.

AIBU for being cross about it all?

OP posts:
JetPeanut · 19/03/2008 21:38

My dad has had this attitude my whole life and it drives me absolutely mad. We had some massive rows when I was living at home, and if I tried to discuss it with him he would scornfully mock me "oooh, are you a feminist now?" and make me feel silly.

Needless to say I moved out as quick as possible. We get on OK now (most of the time) but it still drives me mad the way he treats my mum (like a slave).

The thing is, she stands for it - so what can you do?

Sorry to rant on about me!

No, YANBU at all. These men need to stop living in the stone ages!

Original poster
eekamoose · 19/03/2008 21:47

Shocking when you think back on it isn't it Peanut? Have very mixed feelings about my father because of this inherent sexism in him. He also mocks me about being a feminist. He told me I should be grateful to my DH because he "Keeps a roof over your head". Mostly I quietly fume, sometimes I boil over, and it generally makes for a very unpleasant few minutes for all of us.

Am determined not to allow my son to grow up with an attitude like his.

OP posts:
struwellpeter · 19/03/2008 21:48

No, you're not. The big lumps sitting round the table should of course have jumped up and done it. However, they were being lazy and expected to be waited on.

Families are such a trial. Sometimes it's really hard to love people in spite of their faults. Well done you for making your point but don't let it eat away at you. Laugh at it. Hope DH did his bit to support you.

MotherFunk · 19/03/2008 21:49

Message withdrawn

PotPourri · 19/03/2008 21:52

Think it is just a generation thing to be honest. That agegroup just don't get it.

Original poster
eekamoose · 19/03/2008 21:56

I know it looks like I was being unhelpful and brattish over who got the job of making coffee. But that is really not the point.

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/03/2008 21:56

She actually wasn't the only other female present, it was a gender-age division of labour thing.

Personally I will happily play the card of "I don't drink coffee so if I make it you take it as you find it" if necessary, but equally if 7 people are prepared to sit there waiting, they can sit forever, would be my view!

Original poster
eekamoose · 19/03/2008 21:57

So do you just let it go PotPourri?

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 19/03/2008 22:00

Message withdrawn

MotherFunk · 19/03/2008 22:02

Message withdrawn

mrsruffallo · 19/03/2008 22:05

No, Mama F she was the second oldest female present, therefore next in link to serve after stepmother

mrsruffallo · 19/03/2008 22:09

Next in line, sorry

Anyway, I think lots of older men are like that.
There is something that I like about it. The thought of all the women in the kitchen laughing and chatting and the men talking business in another room.
Kind of sexy in an old fashioned way, like being married to James Cann in The Godfather.Mmmm
Of course, one would tire of it after a while...

welliemum · 19/03/2008 22:10

I'd be annoyed, not just about the gender role thing, but because the OP has 2 DCs, one young enough to need nappy changes so she has plenty to do keeping an eye on them anyway, and there were all these (I assume) able-bodied childless people sitting around who could organise the coffee much more easily than she could.

BoysOnToast · 19/03/2008 22:10

perfectly able bodied other people of your own generation sat around waiting for you to finish cleaning your babies shitty bum before making and serving them coffee??

random.

in my world, the one with the young baby gets waited on in these sorts of situations... what with being the most overworked, overtired and resposibility-bearing 24/7 person in the room.

nowt as queer as folk, tho eh?

id have just laughed at the lot of them and said 'yeah right! ill be in the sitting room with mum when the coffees made, bring me one with 2 sugars, will you? cheers!' and tottered off.

Original poster
eekamoose · 19/03/2008 22:11

Well, actually, there was another female there (my half-sister, who didn't live at home at the time, while the other two half- brothers did. They were all in their 20s). If that makes any difference.

His whole attitude bothers me Motherfunk, this is the best way I can think of to illustrate it.

OP posts:
WallOfSilence · 19/03/2008 22:11

It wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest.

welliemum · 19/03/2008 22:12

Boys said it so much better than I did

motherinferior · 19/03/2008 22:13

I never get this 'it's another generation' schtick. Feminism has been alive and well in the UK since the 70s - the first Women's Liberation Conference was in 1970.

I'd be livid.

BoysOnToast · 19/03/2008 22:14

thanks welliemum!

JetPeanut · 19/03/2008 22:16

Yes, it IS shocking, eekamoose. I don't buy any of this "it's just the way they were brought up" stuff. You can apply the same argument to elderly relatives who talk about "nig nogs". Just becasue it was OK in their day to use phrases like that, it does not mean it is acceptable. We shouldn't stand for it. We should put them right. I feel the same way about sexism.

pinkspottywellies · 19/03/2008 22:18

It would have annoyed me too. My DH and FIL sat watching tv while me, MIL and DH's Nan cleared up after dinner, which we made, on Mothers day. Grrr. I commented to DH and he just grabbed dd and said 'I'm babysitting'.

Flibbertyjibbet · 19/03/2008 22:19

The one with the young baby gets waited on hmmmm?
Please tell my FIL. Two xmasses ago I had young baby, was pg with ds2, and FIL and BIL just sat about with a beer while I was expected to clear up the xmas dinner with MIL. At one point I was on hands and knees (with 5mth bump) under the farking table picking up their dropped napkins.

If at any other time he'd have asked me to help MIL make coffees I'd have done it, as I quite like NOT being in the same room as him

Flibbertyjibbet · 19/03/2008 22:19

The one with the young baby gets waited on hmmmm?
Please tell my FIL. Two xmasses ago I had young baby, was pg with ds2, and FIL and BIL just sat about with a beer while I was expected to clear up the xmas dinner with MIL. At one point I was on hands and knees (with 5mth bump) under the farking table picking up their dropped napkins.

If at any other time he'd have asked me to help MIL make coffees I'd have done it, as I quite like NOT being in the same room as him

mrsruffallo · 19/03/2008 22:19

Livid? Oh come on!! Over a cup of coffee?

Flibbertyjibbet · 19/03/2008 22:20

Damn I keep doing that