Too late to get close to MIL

[Greenparakeetss]

DH and I have been together for 25 years. Our eldest child is 21.

My MIL has always been quite a cold person. Help was only given by ILs on their terms when they offered, we were not to ask for help. MIL in particular would be very pushy (bully us) if she wanted to make arrangements.

Last year MIL was in hospital after an accident. While she was on strong painkillers she opened up to DH and told him she was sad she didn’t have a close female relationship like I have with my DDs. She does have her own DD who lives abroad.

The FIL also had some health issues last year. This seems to have opened MILs eyes to how helpful and caring people such as their neighbours can be.

Now after 25 years I’m getting the odd message from MIL asking how I am or asking me to do her a favour. She has also started to try to make arrangements to visit with me rather than DH.

I feel like she wants to try to develop a close relationship with me. It’s not something I want as I found her coldness and bullying really hard to deal with especially when my children were younger - I distanced myself to protect myself.

AIBU to think that if we aren’t close after 25 years it’s too late. There’s a reason we aren’t close after all this time and it isn’t going to change because MIL wants it too.

Unfortunately this seems to be very much a case of you reap what you sow.

It would be a hard pass for me. She had her chance, and I'm not dumb enough to set myself up for more bullshit.

I think it depends if she wants to move goalposts because she needs care from you, or because she regrets your current relationship and wants to improve it without strings. Except I'm not sure you'd ever get to the bottom of which it were, as she probably has regrets because now she needs you more!

Yes to the above. Your mother-in-law has a use for you now. She needs a skivvy. That's where all of this is coming from.

Just reply 'fine thanks' and decline the requests for favours, or forward to her son.

Being a bully for decades and then making demands of friendship from the victim is sheer pisstaking.

Choices have consequences, she can reap hers.

Yes you reap what you sow.

But it’s up to you op.

Could you have an honest conversation with her?

I don't think it's too late -- it could be possible to move on IF you were inclined too. However, you sound pretty sure you don't want to ( with very good reasons ) and I don't think you should feel any pressure to build a false sense of closeness.

Absolutely not. I had this from my own MIL who went from making it very obvious that she hated my guts to trying to be my best friend.

My advice is to reply politely but keep at arms length.

You reap what you sow. Maybe she's offering an olive branch, or call me cynical - maybe she's only just realised (after hospital admissions) that they're both getting older and will need help themselves with care/admin, her daughter lives abroad, so it'll fall to you and your DH (by default probably you) to help her/them out.

It's up to you. I'd have a chat with her if you can and set expectations about what will work for you.

Buttering you up for her future care needs

I have always found my ILs difficult.

Now that I'm older I can look back & see things that I could have handled better.

Things that seemed so important to me at the time.

Nothing that led to arguments but maybe coloured my dislike of them too much iyswim.

I supposed I have softened a bit!

All of that said , if MIL suddenly wanted to be a friend I wouldn't want it.

If for nothing else that we are just so different there's never going to be anything there other than politeness/civility!
(From either side)

Her daughters now live abroad and she's had a health scare and is now suddenly aware of her own and her husband's mortality and that may need you a lot more in later life. Yes, it sounds very much like she's buttering you up to help with them later.

Continue to distance yourself.

It up to you really. Only you can say if this is genuine regret or for show.

I never really got on with dmil. She was a bit bossy and always right. She has always been great with the kids though which I am grateful for and she’s not a bad person, just opinionated and set in her ways. As I’ve got older I’ve mellowed too and it’s much easier for me now to not argue and let her be right!!! Since my dm died she has been exceptionally kind. She lost her dm a year before mine and I regret that I wasn’t there for her in the way she was for me.

If care is required I likely will end up doing it (by choice). Her own dd isn’t the most present and she wouldn’t want her ds’s to help so it will fall to me. In fairness she would hate to be reliant on anyone so I very much hope it doesn’t come to that as it would make her unhappy. I actually don’t mind looking after her as required as she has been very good to my dc. We’ve bickered but she’s been in my life for 25 years so I couldn’t see her struggle.

I never found my inlaws particularly warm, they were very different from my family. However when DFiL died I got to know DMiL better. She opened up to us a little while after the funeral that she worried what would happen if she collapsed and no one would know. So it was decided that we would text each other every morning and so we did for several years until she moved and is living next door to her daughter and son in law. I didn't expect to build a relationship with her but I did and for the past 10 years or so I have seen a very different side to her. She even came and lived with us for a month while she was between properties.

Definitely a case of 'you reap what you sow' and I'd add in 'too little, too late'

I'm seeing this with my 'FIL' (not married, together 15 years). 'MIL' died suddenly 3 months ago, he's now looking around and the only family that can still be arsed with him is my partner, his only son. Panic has set in and now he's thinking that I'm ok, after a decade of bad mouthing me to all that would listen. Yeah mate, not happening. Too little, too late.

The thing is though, there is not a lot that is great about ageing. Life gets harder. It’s going to happen to all of us.

Do you want to be like your mil op, or do you want to do what you believe is right according to your own belief system?

The circumstances listed here could also be reasons to take up the olive branch.

We don’t always have to give on a reciprocal basis do we?

Obviously if she is a bullying selfish unreasonable shrew without any redeeming qualities who you don’t want around you or your adult dc then you’d be justified in distancing yourself from her.

If on the other hand she is a normal human being with failings and has made considerable mistakes in her life then you might want to open up to her a bit. First of all though, I would suggest a fairly honest conversation might be in order. Find out why she was so distant in the past and didn’t help? Families are so different. Some mils are accused of intruding if they involve themselves with gc. It’s a difficult balance to get right.

Now that she's feeling her age and health is more important, she will have become aware that she has no one to fetch and carry, mop her brow, do shopping etc., so she is trying to now make friends with you in order to install you in that position. I think you should let go of your resentment, but do not fall for her overtures. Her demands may start off as small and reasonable, but then end up taking you over.

I don't think you suddenly need to be Besties, but do you hate her so much that you can't give her a little time?

Was she really hateful to you? Or just distant?

I agree with pp that it wouldn't hurt to have a full and frank conversation to see if there are reasons for her behaviour and if she offers a heartfelt apology for it.
Then you can decide how best to proceed

What does your DH think to the change of heart? Does he think it's manipulative or genuine?

My Mil made a point of telling me when I first met DH that she'd said to the previous girlfriend 'keep in touch' but hadn't meant it.
She then said this twice more about my bil's exes. I took from this family is always more important to her than in-laws.
No matter how long I hung around, the connection is through DH and not in any way independent.
They are always surprised when I mention being there for events 30 years ago, I've been in their lives that long, but it to them it counts as nothing and I'm.on the same grounds as BIL's partner of three years.

I think it's weird. I have a relationship with my kids' friends independent of my child. I've seen them grow up, passed on contacts, got in touch to say congratulations about something. I'm not trying to be their parent or their friend they are just part of my community. I don't think my in-laws understand this, it's almost straight from blood to stranger. They don't seem to have an in between.

"AIBU to think that if we aren’t close after 25 years it’s too late. There’s a reason we aren’t close after all this time and it isn’t going to change because MIL wants it too."
She hasn't really, changed, has she? She's still trying to bully you, only now she's trying to bully you into being friendly. But it's still bullying.

"... This seems to have opened MILs eyes to how helpful and caring people such as their neighbours can be."
I'm afraid I see it a little more cynically. She calculated that she could have another accident / poor health, her husband already has health issues, her daughter is abroad (good move on her part) - she's looking around for a carer. A skivvy. A dogsbody. Probably she doesn't want to depend on the kindness of neighbours; not when she has family she can impose herself upon.

"Now after 25 years I’m getting the odd message from MIL asking how I am or asking me to do her a favour. She has also started to try to make arrangements to visit with me rather than DH."
Already asking for "favours", eh? Give her a little time and she'll be considering 'favours' to be only her due, which she will consider you obliged to provide.

You're going to have to make it clear you have no intention of looking after her. She's made her bed! You need a long chat with your husband, making it clear that her being "sad she didn’t have a close female relationship" is a surprise coming from someone who deliberately avoided cultivating such a relationship. He might believe this revelation was the result of strong painkillers, I will continue to believe it was the result of cold calculation - far more in keeping with the person she has shown herself to be. But make it clear to him now - you are not about to become his mother's bet buddy, and you're certainly not going to countenance being her carer. Give him that heads-up right now!

You owe her nothing and she now realises, as others have said that she's growing old and will need more support now.
My MiL has always treated me and my SiL as her own. She has only sons and don't get me wrong she can be hard work at times (can't we all I suppose) but she's always been there for us and we will always be there for her.
You don't get to be a cold bully for years and then expect the person you treated like shit to all of sudden have an interest in a relationship.

Surely her 'we'll help only when we offer, any requests will be refused' rule still applies, but working in reverse now. It would be so tempting (in theory) to remind her of this, so difficult to actually do unless you are as hard as nails.

Is it worth talking to her calmly without emotion or attack, outline how harsh and cold she was and that you are wary of her overtures: she may possibly not know how to be open hence talking more freely on the medication or she may be very calculating however the conversation would tell you which.

It is a tough one

I had a similar experience with my MiL. Very difficult, reluctant to help when the children were small and expected everything on her own terms. A tragedy happened in the family about four years ago and she softened and tried to be a lot more amenable. MiL is very musical and she has started taking my youngest DD to music lessons once a week and has generally been more thoughtful and less ‘me me me’. I was quite bitter at first, but tried to be more forgiving and set a good example for the children. Our relationship has improved and she has spent time with my youngest crafting and playing games, which has been great! It also meant a lot to my husband. It’s ok to forgive (slowly!) if you can and there is a real effort to improve.

This. Her intentions are selfish and about her. She's probably lining you up for caring for them matter health issues recently. I wouldn't be stupid enough to fall for it.