Too late to get close to MIL

[Greenparakeetss]

DH and I have been together for 25 years. Our eldest child is 21.

My MIL has always been quite a cold person. Help was only given by ILs on their terms when they offered, we were not to ask for help. MIL in particular would be very pushy (bully us) if she wanted to make arrangements.

Last year MIL was in hospital after an accident. While she was on strong painkillers she opened up to DH and told him she was sad she didn’t have a close female relationship like I have with my DDs. She does have her own DD who lives abroad.

The FIL also had some health issues last year. This seems to have opened MILs eyes to how helpful and caring people such as their neighbours can be.

Now after 25 years I’m getting the odd message from MIL asking how I am or asking me to do her a favour. She has also started to try to make arrangements to visit with me rather than DH.

I feel like she wants to try to develop a close relationship with me. It’s not something I want as I found her coldness and bullying really hard to deal with especially when my children were younger - I distanced myself to protect myself.

AIBU to think that if we aren’t close after 25 years it’s too late. There’s a reason we aren’t close after all this time and it isn’t going to change because MIL wants it too.

That would be my advice

@Greenparakeetss

It takes a lot of years of trying to be pleasant, trying to be a warm and thoughtful daughter/DIL, being a people pleaser with a deep breath taken and a smile plastered on your face, absorbing the aggression, slights and many sly paper cuts before you decide that distance both emotionally and physically is much better for your own survival. Unraveling that can be hard and you may ask yourself why you'd want to do this. I was in this position when, after decades of physical and mental cruelty, my "D"F seemed to face his own mortality and wanted to be my best friend, with me doing all the running. He was surprised when I declined to come to heel. Think hard about what you will actually do and what it will cost you OP.

BTW what help is your MIL requesting and getting from her son? 🌹

@AuntAir yes that is weird!!!

So would.You be happy accepting any inheritance then?

Why would MIL bequest OP anything? Surely that would go to MIL’s DC.

surely then it’s up to MIL’s own DC to attend to their mother.

OP, personally I’d be polite and remote and step in if I wanted, but I wouldn’t put myself out. I’d also tell her to ask her son if her requests become frequent.

Forgiveness is not a given just because the person who has caused harm feels it should be. And even if you do forgive MIL for bullying you, does not mean you have to now dance attendance to her because she wants you to. I’ve forgiven people with never ever having any intention of allowing them near me ever again.

This has nothing to do with me. They have 2 children and 6 grandchildren, I do not expect anything.

My MIL has behaved terribly. I would never say no but I would need some words from her that show she has reflected on her behaviour and understands where she went wrong, and I have some hope she will be different. There might be too much water under the bridge for more than a merely civil and polite relationship though.

For you, I suppose it depends if she has fallen on the side of things that are unforgivable or not. Was she merely cool or overtly cruel? Has she directly spoken to you and expressed regret? Is she showing a real interest in you or just wanting someone who can meet her needs?

Only you can decide but there is no wrong decision. Just what is right for you.

I forgive people partially because it helps me…I get over the hurt and don’t relive the pain. You don’t have to forget, but I guess I would at the least rather have the relationship be neutral rather than painful; it might mean talking to her, telling you how you feel, and seeing if you can move past it. You may not be able to do that, but if you can, and if you can mutually come to at least an understanding, it might be emotionally easier for you. All the best to you.