Too late to get close to MIL

[Greenparakeetss]

DH and I have been together for 25 years. Our eldest child is 21.

My MIL has always been quite a cold person. Help was only given by ILs on their terms when they offered, we were not to ask for help. MIL in particular would be very pushy (bully us) if she wanted to make arrangements.

Last year MIL was in hospital after an accident. While she was on strong painkillers she opened up to DH and told him she was sad she didn’t have a close female relationship like I have with my DDs. She does have her own DD who lives abroad.

The FIL also had some health issues last year. This seems to have opened MILs eyes to how helpful and caring people such as their neighbours can be.

Now after 25 years I’m getting the odd message from MIL asking how I am or asking me to do her a favour. She has also started to try to make arrangements to visit with me rather than DH.

I feel like she wants to try to develop a close relationship with me. It’s not something I want as I found her coldness and bullying really hard to deal with especially when my children were younger - I distanced myself to protect myself.

AIBU to think that if we aren’t close after 25 years it’s too late. There’s a reason we aren’t close after all this time and it isn’t going to change because MIL wants it too.

I’m in a similar position in that my In-laws went NC with me about 6 yrs after we got married , hence barely had any relationship with our kids . FIL died several years back and about 4 yrs ago , so 26 yrs after she last spoke to me she decided I was suddenly ok . I play along for my husbands benefit as he still works FT and I don’t so I run her to appointments , take her shopping occasionally etc . She is 91 now so I figure it won’t kill me to be civil . This Christmas she spent much more on me than anyone else in the family so I assume she’s trying to make up in her way .

@Nanny0gg the OP wrote that the woman bullied her. Bullies are worthy of hate. If OP does actually hate the woman, she's completely entitled to.
The bullys son can give her a little time if he feels the need.

If she died tomorrow would you regret not taking the opportunity to build some sort of relationship or would you be glad you didn't have to make the choice you're currently facing?

Your gut reaction will tell you how to proceed.

She has twigged she may need a carer soon...
Don't be fooled op.

I'd probably go with it because it must be tough nearing the end of your life and realising you got it wrong. And the likelihood is she is the way she is because she didn't learn/recieve love in her childhood.

I'd be ok to open my heart but I wouldn't be taken for a mug.

I don’t think you are obliged to try to develop a closer relationship if you don’t want to, but I would probably try.

Her health scare may have caused her to re-assess her behaviour. If that is a genuine change based on regret over her own actions, then it might be nice for you too, to try to move past what happened before and deal with how you feel.

Unless it would cause a huge fall out, maybe you could have an open and honest conversation with her, perhaps over lunch, about how she made you feel? If she listens and accepts most of what you say, then maybe she really does want to change. Might be lovely for you both.

I wouldn’t be doing any of the requested favours though! Way too soon!

It is so hard
Once the tables turn and they lose the control they can see things more clearly.

Up to you how you want to manage it.

I ended up feeling v sorry for my (now ex) mil as she lived her last years in very difficult circumstances and if the opportunity arose I would have showed her compassion. I didn't actually get to see her across that time because of my divorce, pandemic travel restrictions etc.

Wow there are some harsh replies here.

It’s up to you, you need to decide whether you can draw a line on your past relationship or not.

I’ve had similar with a member of my family and decided to be there for her rather than live with the possible regret and sadness that I didn’t help. I don’t know your exact situation, but I think in most cases showing kindness to someone is better than not.

I think you're right to be wary and careful that this new approach is a different stalking horse to getting her own way.
But, she's an old lady whose world has shifted and she might be rethinking her role in being a bit remote from her own children.
I was never close to my MIL, she was pleasant enough but her personality didn't invite closeness or affection. Until my FIL died.
She came to live with us while we sorted out future arrangements for her as she couldn't live alone (hidden dementia) and she and I were rather thrown together. Understandably she was very sad and reluctant to let DH help her dress etc.
So, despite my own reluctance I did help and actually it was a good thing for both of us. We never became best friends but even as her dementia progressed she was always pleased to see me and introduced me as 'her friend'. I think she didn't know who I was but kept a sense of me being someone she liked.
So, I guess what I am saying is, maybe there's a genuine glimmer for some degree of reconciliation?

I'm going to go slightly countergrain here and say that if you have any common ground whatsoever it wouldn't hurt to have tea and cake with a lonely old woman.

She obviously has huge difficulty expressing her emotions but she may have been conditioned that way.

Chat to her but don't do any favours.
Do you work? Now might be a good time to start full-time hours to get out of any caring responsibilities.

Lonely old lady possibly. Where was op's support as a new dm many years ago?

I don't know.
Perhaps your MIL's attitude was due to her own upbringing where it was modelled to her that 'parents were always right' and that female friendships don't have a place after school as a woman's role is with her family.

And maybe she has since observed the way you are with your own family and realised that her own upbringing is not the only way - and perhaps not the right way ?
I can't imagine you and she could ever become 'close' but improved relationships are generally beneficial - obviously if you have time and it's not all one way.

Thé answers you get are going to fall starkly into two camps : the ‘let her stew, I will enjoy my revenge’ or the ‘ try to forgive and build a better relationship ‘.

Only you can decide which sort of person you would rather be.🕊

It’s your call and your feelings are valid but I’m all about giving more chances and seeing if something lovely can develop

It’s a tough one - I had a really difficult relationship with my MiL for the first 10 years of my relationship, she could be really horrible!! It all came to a head and we had a huge disagreement but since then we have both made a big effort with each other & have been able to move past our previous differences.

I personally feel much happier having a good relationship with her - it just takes away so much stress and drama.

I feel a bit sad reading these replies.
Does she just want a skivvy and to be a bully or has she realised albeit very late that her family are important and she wants to make amends?

People do change sometimes and when shit happens it can make you re evaluate your life.

Only you can decide OP.

I guess you could do a tester and if that doesn't go well then back off

Oh dear, some of these replies make me so sad. If someone genuinely sees the error of their ways and makes a change, doesn’t that deserve a bit of a second chance? Or are we all just written off for ever? Others what’s the point in anyone ever apologising and changing? If it was me, of course I’d take it slowly and warily, but I’d try and take the gestures she is making in good faith and let her start trying to make it up to you.

This is lovely.

@SingsongSu bullies do not make amends by wanting favours from their victims.
Why are so many people wittering on about 'lonely old lady'? We don't know if the woman is old or lonely.

A great, easy way to not be lonely is to not bully people.

You can't change the past, but you can try to improve the present. But only if you want to.
Sounds like you don't want to. What have you got to lose if you have a better relationship with her?

Thanks for all the replies.

I am questioning MILs motives.
Realistically the only way I can move our relationship forward is to have an open frank discussion but I think that may just cause more hurt. ILs also have a habit of closing down any discussions they don’t want to listen to.

MIL is one of three children. The others are really warm and welcoming and have close relationships with their own children and grandchildren. MILs Dad needed a lot of support as he got older and that came from one of her DDs and her DIL, my MIL was barely involved but would often comment on how amazing her SIL is for helping so much. FILs sibling is also warm and easy to talk too. Unfortunately the rest of the family live a few hours drive away from us and ILs so we rarely see each other.

I can see the point of those saying I should let go but it took so long to get past the hurt caused that I can’t face
opening myself up to them again.
.

I agree with you that she’s made her own bed. She’s behaved horribly. But she does sound lonely.
It’s up to the OP of course to decide what to do and they are ultimately holding all the cards in this.
I think forgiveness is an easier emotion to deal with than carrying extreme dislike/hate for someone, especially a person you will continue to have contact with to some degree. Tolerance is difficult at times but can be better for you if you can be tolerant. And yes, I’m speaking from experience - it’s not easy.
I’d reach out very tentatively and not be afraid to retract or speak up if a situation arose in the future.

So when you needed support there was none from her but NOW she's getting older !

I think we can see what she's after ... you looking after her in old age.

I personally would just carry on as normal.

What's that saying "you reap what you sow "