Dh blaming my anxiety all the time

[Itsthattime11]

I'll try and keep this brief

We have 2 DC, 8 and 2.5

With DC1 everyone said I have post natal anxiety as there were some things I did that everyone thought wasn't normal (didn't want to leave them overnight, would listen to the monitor quite a lot to check they were breathing, didn't want everyone touching my belly when I was pregnant etc) I didn't have the smoothest pregnancy or birth with DC1 so this may have attributed some of it

With DC2 I've been much better, have left then overnight and am generally a lot more relaxed

The other night I went out for dinner after work with some friends. I was messaging DH who had them and just asked before ubwent if it was still OK for me to go (as I had also been out at a gym class the night before so felt like I had brrb out a lot) and DH had also not been feeling well so wanted to make sure he was alright.

Got home abd he has flipped saying that it's my anxiety as to why I asked him that, that I obviously don't trust him to look after his own children and that I my anxiety is ruling my life.

I think he is massively over reacting to one question and blames my small amount of general anxiety for everything!

That was a ridiculous reaction from him but maybe he is just not feeling well and is very snappish.

Does he often get disproportionately angry when he feels wronged, judged or hurt by something others would see as insignificant?

I suspect he’s not massively overreacting to ONE question though - I suspect that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

yes, on the face of it over the top. But he was ill and maybe not feeling his best. But how much does your anxiety impact day to day?

remind Him he was feeling.

OP his behaviour sounds manipulative. It’s quite normal not to want people touching your bump. It’s quite common for mothers not to leave their babies, doesn’t mean they are anxious.

He could be being a twat or you could be asking more than normal and there is only so much he can take

Yeah sure he is a man and should never ever show anything bad at all ever as constantly put on here but we only know what you telling us and of the situation reversed I do wonder what people would say then?

It's a tricky one OP. It does sound like he overreacted, but living with a partner's anxiety can be hard and you may be underestimating that.

Well from the way you've written it most people will naturally say you're NBU but this is one of those threads I would love to see written from his perspective. I do wonder given his reaction if it was more a final straw moment and that's why he appears to have such a disproportionate response.?

You say "everyone" said you have "post-natal anxiety" who is that exactly? Did a medical person say this? Is post-natal anxiety even a diagnosis? I'd be careful of non medical people diagnosing your behaviour.

Supporting someone with anxiety can be exasperating and draining. It is hardly surprising that he gets upset sometimes.

Hmm no one is qualified to diagnose you in your family going by what you have said your symptoms were.

It feels to me like you are more anxious because your husband an asshole rather than anything related to your children.

What a great way for him to ruin your evening?

Basically he’s jealous that you went out

Not leaving your baby overnight is totally normal though. The monitor/checking breathing thing sounds more anxious and yet having said that it's pretty common. Otherwise why do they sell those breathing monitors.

When you say that everyone though you were over anxious, did you think that? Did your doctor or health visitor?

From what you've said, you are not behaving in an unusual way.

Do YOU think that you're anxious and that it is negatively affecting your lives?

You sound like you were trying to be considerate and he over reacted the appropriate response if he mentions this incident again is to say

You were ill I was trying to consider your feelings I will remember not to do that next time and watch him moonwalk his way into it still being your fault ffs

Have you ever been diagnosed by an actual professional or just by people trying to manipulate you?

It will be the straw that broke the camels back. It didn’t happen based on this issue alone, there’s obviously lots of history here.

Anxiety is very draining and anxiety sufferers will often downplay the effect it has on everyone else around them and minimise what they are anxious about because they are the “victim”.

This reaction doesn’t come out of nowhere.

You can't assume that at all, why must it be OP at fault? You could suggest this MIGHT be the case, but stating it as though it is fact based on what OP has said is not right.

This reaction doesn’t come from nowhere.

Be honest with yourself, OP, how many times do you check up and check in on him when you are not there with the DC? (you don'T have to write it here)

Your DH probably really does believe that you don't trust him. In his eyes you asked/told him you'd be out and he said ok. For him? that's probably the end of it. He may be oversensitive to you asking for other reasons, but if you have anxiety and constantly check it can be exhausting for the partner. And feel undermining and as though you don't trust them.

OTOH he might be overreacting. If you are honest with yourself, you will know.

No, but it doesn't necessarily come from her actions either. It's easy, and relatively common,to paint someone as an anxious mother, when they are being normally concerned about their child.

I'm not saying you're wrong, just that OP hasn't given enough detail to justify the view that she is in fact suffering from anxiety that is causing her DH to react. It could equally be that he is short on patience.

If he's not feeling well he probably snapped because he just wanted to be left to get on with it. Maybe he felt your text was a way of interfering or appeasing your own worries.

Do you often check that he's okay to parent his own children?

Not surprised you're anxious if this is his reaction to a simple question.

it can be a viscious circle though, and if he's feeling under the weather he might be more likely to feel it.

OP and DH need to sit down and talk about this. Her need to check can be balanced by his feeling she doesn't trust him. They need to be realistic to stop each other spiralling like this.

I have severe anxiety and have done for many years. I know I can be exhausting to live with sometimes because my constant.need for reassurance from my DH and all the questions and silly paranoid thoughts. My DH often snaps at me similar to how yours has acted. I'm not making excuses for his response but maybe this is the straw that broke the camels back? I know it's hard. I often feel very alone and ejav even stopped asking or speaking about my anxiety and anxious thoughts to my DH because I know he just doesnt want to hear it. Maybe have a conversation and tell him you think he was unreasonable in his response and see what he says, he will either apologize or he will either open up to you about how and if your anxiety is affecting him.

Not leaving your baby overnight is not a sign of anxiety, it's just a normal feeling as a mother. Yes he very much overreacted, it sounds like you need to try and have a calm conversation with him and explain exactly how you feel.

Hmmm. I don't know anyone who would say not wanting to leave a newborn overnight or not wanting people touching your belly would constitute 'anxiety'. Constantly listening to the baby monitor for breathing is maybe a bit much but I think also not that unusual when it's your first baby.

When you say 'everyone' said you had post-natal anxiety, who do you actually mean? Medical professionals? Friends and colleagues? Or just your immediate family?

What you have described here sounds like your husband over-reacted. However, I'm wondering if there's a bigger picture here that you're not giving us. For example, when you say you were 'messaging your husband' do you mean you sent him one text saying 'Hope you're feeling better. Still OK for me to go out tonight? Can cancel if you're feeling rough', or do you mean you sent him 30 texts fretting about it and asking him to keep reassuring you?

I feel we're not getting the full story here. One text or the latest in a series of texts? What are you like to live with, op, how much does your anxiety impose on family life?
As much as lots of posters immediately blame the man for everything, irregardless of the truth, I'd be really interested in hearing his side....