Dh blaming my anxiety all the time

[Itsthattime11]

I'll try and keep this brief

We have 2 DC, 8 and 2.5

With DC1 everyone said I have post natal anxiety as there were some things I did that everyone thought wasn't normal (didn't want to leave them overnight, would listen to the monitor quite a lot to check they were breathing, didn't want everyone touching my belly when I was pregnant etc) I didn't have the smoothest pregnancy or birth with DC1 so this may have attributed some of it

With DC2 I've been much better, have left then overnight and am generally a lot more relaxed

The other night I went out for dinner after work with some friends. I was messaging DH who had them and just asked before ubwent if it was still OK for me to go (as I had also been out at a gym class the night before so felt like I had brrb out a lot) and DH had also not been feeling well so wanted to make sure he was alright.

Got home abd he has flipped saying that it's my anxiety as to why I asked him that, that I obviously don't trust him to look after his own children and that I my anxiety is ruling my life.

I think he is massively over reacting to one question and blames my small amount of general anxiety for everything!

Going purely on what you've written, it sounds like he is labelling you as 'anxious' to try and make you doubt yourself and manipulate your behaviour. Eg. Not wanting other people to touch your body when pregnant is completely normal, I don't know anyone that thinks that bodily autonomy doesn't matter just because you're pregnant. It sounds like when he disagrees about any parenting decision, instead of putting his view forward about why he thinks his way is better, and actually listening to you about the reasons for your parenting decisions, he just automatically thinks that anyone who doesn't do things exactly as his family do or did things, has a mental health issue.

I'd speak to your health visitor about what's normal behaviour for mothers with babies. And also speak to a doctor (incase there are signs of anxiety that you might be missing because it's normal to you. Eg when you have a newborn back from the hospital the transition is huge and it's normal to check they're breathing for the first few weeks...but if you're still checking a few times a night when they're 6 months old, no that's not normal). If as I suspect they confirm you're perfectly normal you need to sit him down and tell him

• he is not a medical professional and shouldn't be diagnosing you
• medical professionals have confirmed you don't have anxiety, you've never had it, and your behaviour is completely proportional and normal
• he needs to accept that both of you have different views on parenting, and neither one is wrong, as long as the children are happy and healthy there is no one way to parent. And you will not be bullied into doing things you personally don't feel comfortable with, by him bringing up a made up illness whenever he decides that he would have done things differently to you
• he can't tell you how you feel.
• how would he feel if for example you assumed your approach was the only way, and that by doing things that you wouldnt do, such as leaving the baby when they were little, or leaving them to cry, you accused him of things like not caring about the baby / having an attachment disorder or similar, and then discussed it with your family and brought it up every time he didn't parent as you would do
• if he continues to gaslight you into thinking you have a medical issue then he needs counselling to learn to communicate better or you'll leave

Wow OP speaking as someone who too had a tough birth with my first DC and I was exactly like you couldn't sleep was constantly checking on them , didn't like anyone else feeding them other than myself or DH, I was even clingy with others holding them when I first come home didn't like it at all oh and I still check on my two when they are sleeping just before I go to bed and both mine are now almost 7 and 5 and I still check in on them before I go to bed.

What you've described is completely normal every first time mum has and does those things you do you aren't anxious at all your DH family sound bonkers and have made you think you have something wrong when you don't.

Bloody ignore them all I hate that everyone always has opinions to give to you how you should be raising your DC ignore do what's best for you and your family what they did with their own DC was on them not for you to follow.

Sounds perfectly normal to me to have those anxieties, ever mother has them it's a natural response inbuilt to protect your children. Think your husband is been unreasonable probably he doesn't understand the innate instincts mothers carry

Your husband and his family are twats.

Where are your family? What do they think about him?

I don't disagree with those points, however what we don't know is to what extent the OP micro manages her DH with the kids, as this is annoying.

Nothing she has said suggests any micro managing, I’m going off of what she has said which seems totally normal, my sister had this from mil, berated her for bf after 3 months and her partner joined in and they made her feel like she was abnormal and a over the top parent as it didn’t suit them

It does sound like your DH and his family have labelled you as anxious and use it against you.

On the other hand, this is your side of things and I do wonder what it would look like from their point of view.

Personally, anxiety or not, I would be irritated by an ‘all ok?’ text. I mean, I would’ve let you know if anything was not ok!

Totally this although I suspect b,c and d are all true

It sounds like you have a mean, manipulative partner whose family colludes in gaslighting you. Your behaviour sounds completely normal, while theirs sounds very odd. There is something in the tone of your writing that suggests you aren't telling the whole story, and I'd guess that either you've been beaten down to the point where you have absolutely no confidence and can't be sure of what is plainly obvious, or you're hiding something. Only you know! Maybe talk to your GP to get some insight into the anxiety issue?

As a standalone jncident its pretty ott. But as a series of incidents it isnt. My friend has anxiety abd while I understand she cant help it. It drives me quietly insane. I dont say anything but im fairly sure that if i lived with her i would snap at times. Its super wearing

Yes I’m not sure that’s not what’s going on. As isolated incidents they are fine, and clearly it’s written in a way to ensure people think everyone is rhe issue bar the op. Which could be true.

but if you’ve ever dealt with someone with anxiety, it’s all the small things constantly that add up. Half the time they don’t even realise they are doing it. But everyone else does. It it wears you out. With the best efforts in the world it wears you out.

and I’m not sure she’s not tried to downplay her part and make them sound worse, I mean seriously. Her whole family and husband are arguing a baby should be left to cry “for hours on end”…that would be unusual, for them all to be aligned in this view, to say the least.

im not sure this thread is helpful. As folks take it as read and say its not you it’s them, I do all that stuff, when if in fact the op does have an issue, this will just spur her behaviour on and she will now be thinking everyone else is the issue, as that’s how she wrote it.

Assuming that’s the full extent of what you asked your husband op, you were actually just checking in with the person you live with & it would also have been perfectly reasonable to check in to see if all went ok at bed time (for example) if you had wanted too.

when you hit home that must have put a downer on the night. Was he jealous of your night out?

I'm surprised he did that to you considering your anxiety, better for you to care than not . Hugs , it'll get easier .

Well quite. But it’s certainly not anxious behaviour.

I have a friend who suffers from anxiety and often at times I wonder how her DH manages. She can’t/struggles to look forward to anything, see the worst in so many situations , finds decision making really difficult etc. I don’t suffer so I can’t begin to understand but I can see how it would be really draining to live with.

And that’s the thing here. In isolation absolutely none of this is anxious behaviour. But anyone who knows or lives with or loves someone with anxiety knows it’s death by a thousand cuts. It’s constant, it pulls you down, it is hard to deal with.

it’s constant reassurance, nervous activities, procrastinating, panicking, thinking worst case, uncertainty , unable to make decisions, worrying. It becomes stressful, as you know what’s coming. Terrible for the person who is ill, but you can’t underestimate the impact on those dealing with it.

and it’s hard to tell here , is her whole family and her husband a bunch of cruel ignorant gaslighters, or is she not understanding the extent of her own behaviour, as in isolation it’s all justifiable and normal.

If you read the update it doesn’t appear that she has anxiety

Is this the update she wrote after the thread wasn't going her way???
If what she says is true, then no, she doesn't have anxiety but I would be very interested to hear her husband's side to the story ...

What’s the point of this forum if people never take the ops word for it and assume she’s wrong and husband right? I don’t get it, every thread now is people picking fault in what op writes and being argumentative for no reason, her first post didn’t seem like she was anxious either, then she gives an update explaining more and you’re still on husbands side, very strange, surely the point is to take what she’s saying at face value, you could simply being mean to a woman coming on here looking for advice who’s being totally gaslight and abused by her husband and family, strange

This

That would be very naive, people simply apply critical thinking to what’s posted, especially when it doesn’t make sense or seems improbable. However if you do not wish to apply any form of critical thinking and just accept at face value, that’s also fair.

Everything you've described about your behaviour sounds totally normal to me. Everything you've described about your DH and his family sounds totally abnormal.

Perhaps it makes a difference why you are a single parent. If widowed maybe the outcome is better, if divorced there was a reason it didn't work the first time that perhaps impacts on the new relationship. Differing expectations, incompatibility for whatever reason.