Dh blaming my anxiety all the time

[Itsthattime11]

I'll try and keep this brief

We have 2 DC, 8 and 2.5

With DC1 everyone said I have post natal anxiety as there were some things I did that everyone thought wasn't normal (didn't want to leave them overnight, would listen to the monitor quite a lot to check they were breathing, didn't want everyone touching my belly when I was pregnant etc) I didn't have the smoothest pregnancy or birth with DC1 so this may have attributed some of it

With DC2 I've been much better, have left then overnight and am generally a lot more relaxed

The other night I went out for dinner after work with some friends. I was messaging DH who had them and just asked before ubwent if it was still OK for me to go (as I had also been out at a gym class the night before so felt like I had brrb out a lot) and DH had also not been feeling well so wanted to make sure he was alright.

Got home abd he has flipped saying that it's my anxiety as to why I asked him that, that I obviously don't trust him to look after his own children and that I my anxiety is ruling my life.

I think he is massively over reacting to one question and blames my small amount of general anxiety for everything!

Everyone wouldn’t be saying that to you, if those were the only behaviours you exhibited. I suspect there’s more to it than this. Even though you may have genuinely wanted to be supportive, if your past behaviour has been a lot and he’s ill, then it may not have been an overreaction.

As KreedKafer says, it would depend on what you put in the text/s.

We're you texting out of concern, how are you feeling? Do you need me to cancel tonight?

Or was it more remember I'm going out tonight, can you do salmon & pasta for DC tea? will you be OK to read them and the red book from the green shelf ?and can you remember to wash their hair? Are you really ok with me going out?

If you have anxiety it's horrible, but you can get help to manage some of the ways it manifests.

It's hard to judge what's going on here without full unbiased disclosure. This one incident does sound like an ott reaction however if you do suffer with anxiety I get his frustration. Did you leave him a list of instructions? Did you ask about petty things like what PJs the kids had on etc. What you percieve as 'a small amount of anxiety' could actually have more impact than you realise. Maybe he thought "ffs here we go again".
I think the important thing is not to apportion blame. You have anxiety. It's not your fault. He gets frustrated. That's not his fault. He's not your therapist or carer and it's unreasonable to expect him to always be supportive.
Personally I wouldn't make too big a thing about it. Let him know you enjoyed your time out and are happy to do it again.

So the text was literally 'all ok?' when I was out, I didn't ask about tea what they were doing, literally just that. I usually send that when I am out as I do like to keep in touch, but nothing more.

Dh will quite often message me and ask where things are when I am out which I will always answer. However if I don't reply immediately (even when I am at work etc) he will keep sending ..., ...., until I reply so its ok for him to keep messaging me, but not for me to message him so it seems.

Re the anxiety, I was never officially diagnosed, its just what everyone in his family assumed I had because I wanted to be the one who fed the first DC (bottle fed), if they were fussing I would ask for them back to try and soothe them, and I didn't want to leave them from very early.

I also wouldn't let them cry to sleep and would spend the evenings getting them to sleep by rubbing their back or by just sitting with them and that was also deemed as anxiety as I wouldn't let them cry for hours on end.

I left DC1 at 8 weeks for an all day wedding, and because I asked half way through the day to message his parents were babysitting to see if everything was ok, that was deemed as me not trusting them and not being in control.

So there are a few scenarios that spring to mind. It is particularly interesting imo that when you text, it is anxiety, but not when your DH does.

A) you could be anxious (and your DH is finding it hard).
B) you are a competent woman with an incompetent spouse. But you were born with a vagina so get labelled as anxious, controlling or any other BS.
C) your DH is gaslighting you.
D) your DH doesn't actually you doing you stuff. Hence the texts, the strop and the convenient illness.

My money isn't on scenario A.

OK, that's really useful info, because you really don't sound like someone with post-partum anxiety to me! I think your husband and his family are gaslighting the hell out of you. Of course some people would be totally relaxed about someone else bottle-feeding their baby or whatever, but the fact that you weren't isn't unusual and doesn't indicate any serious anxiety - just sounds like standard new-mum worries to me. And it's not 'anxiety' to want your baby handed back to you when they're about to cry!

Honestly... your husband and his family sound bloody horrible! They sound like a rotten bunch of bullies.

You didn't have any kind of anxiety. You were a normal mammal mother. His family sound very intrusive and controlling. Don't let him mess with your head and make out you are the anxious or unreasonable one. People trying to interfere with how you want to mother your child are the ones who are unreasonable.

Your husband and his family are not coming across well here.
You're perfectly normal!

there were some things I did that everyone thought wasn't normal (didn't want to leave them overnight, would listen to the monitor quite a lot to check they were breathing, didn't want everyone touching my belly when I was pregnant etc)

That isn't abnormal. Some women would be fine with not listening to the monitor all the time, leaving the baby overnight, touching their belly. But many wouldn't. The people claiming you're 'anxious' and making you feel bad are the ones who want overnights from far too young, want to touch your belly etc. Ie those who don't think you should be allowed any boundaries against what they want to do.

So I think that's what you need to tackle. Don't believe that you are somehow wrong, tell DH that nothing you did makes you an anxious mother. But be careful that having accepted that label from others you don't start living up to it so that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Enjoy your baby, this stage doesn't last long.

You have a DH and in laws problem, not an anxiety problem. Everything you have described is perfectly normal, attachment focused parenting. Well done.

Well, your horrible husband and his stupid family are a bag of dicks aren’t they?

Sorry but you have a DH problem. Him and his family sound horrendous. None of your concerns seems unusual to me in the slightest. DH is definitely gas lighting you.

DH and IL’s are gaslighting you.

Wtaf!! That’s total normal behaviour for a new mum, him and his family are totally gaslighting you

You don’t sound anxious at all, your husband and his family sound awful and honestly quite controlling.

Wow i must have full blown post natal anxiety then because im constantly asking questions and thats just when my partner has let me sleep in 🤣 my babies 7 months and havent left him yet, if he takes him to the shop i ask how he is etc, feel like thats pretty normal behaviour. Dont let him make you think you are "poorly" youre just a loving devoted mother!

Actually I’m in two minds.

the way you’ve written it is clearly you are behaving totally abnormally and your whole family and your husband are highly unreasonable and attacking you. Guaranteed to get answers supporting you, and telling you your husband and family are awful people.

but it could be you come across as very anxious, and that does tend to have a cumulative effect. And you likely wouldn’t recognise or even wish to admit it.

are you really sure it’s how you’re portraying it? That they felt if you didn’t let your child cry for hours on end, you were anxious? Literally that’s what they felt, a baby should be left to cry for hours on end?

OK, that's really useful info, because you really don't sound like someone with post-partum anxiety to me! I think your husband and his family are gaslighting the hell out of you.

I agree.
Your DH and his family are making you anxiou. It is quite normal to not want to leave your baby overnight, to feed them first, to not want to leave them crying etc.

You sound like a lovely mum. Your husband and his family sound horrible and unsupportive. They are gaslighting you and grinding you down. Don't listen to them and try and distance yourself as much as you can. This relationship with them is very unhealthy.

@Itsthattime11 If I had an 8 week old baby of course I would want to check on their
wellbeing if I was away from them all day. It's a very normal and
natural thing to do.

the way you’ve written it is clearly you are behaving totally abnormally

I hope this is a typo @janeintheframe. I can't see that the OP is behaving abnormally at all.

Ok so having kids is a big change in the focus of a couples life and being honest, it sounds to me like your husband may be struggling with the shift in dynamics.

What you are describing as your "anxieties" sound normal to me, particularly for your first as it was unknown territory for you and so things will be more relaxed with the 2nd. And if you were overly anxious, it should have been worse with the 2nd during the pandemic, not better!

Coping mechanisms with babies differ, some say get them into a routine, its ok for them to cry but once you have checked they are ok, leave them to cry and eventually they will fall into a routine. You chose another route (maybe he wanted the first one as that is the traditional school of thought), massage etc, again just another personal choice.Neither us right ir wrong. I'd be anxious leaving my baby for a whole day for the first time and I'd check maybe multiple times, thats not abnormally anxious. But maybe he felt he should be getting your sole attention for the day and he struggles with your momentary priorities? People forget men struggle to adjust too.

Its common for men to struggle with the focus in the relation shifting from each other to prioritising a baby/child. And if when baby was crying and you choose to comfort baby maybe he saw that as you choosing baby over him, after all baby would be in a routine by now if you stopped massaging and we would have "us"time. Not saying its right but men struggle to watch on and cope with the changes too. Then you get a day at the wedding,again "us" time and you still prioritise baby. And what you are both doing is normal, both trying to find ways to cope but he needs to understand he is making this solely about you, he is possibly projecting his feelings onto you as he occasionally struggles with the shift in priorities

Back to now, so two days in a row you have gone out, doesn't sound like anxiety to me. Only you know if you go over the top with communication. If he was ill he was probably grouchy and struggling with looking after the kids but didn't want to admit it and unfairly felt when he got the text "crikey she thinks I am incapable of looking after the kids" and bit back. You showed simple consideration for your partner, he may have read more into it.

Sit down, when things are calm, have a chat and explain you were concerned about him, not the kids and wanted to know he was ok as he had not been well and not because you were anxious or checking up.

Maybe schedule in some more couple time.

This is all normal, run of the mill stuff and hubby is probably needing some tlc as you are BOTH still on a learning curve which will continue until you die!

Big hugs, lets us know how you go on x

Hmm, I suspect this question was not the reason why he snapped, but more like the final straw that sent him over the edge. Do you make a habit generally of micro managing him when he's looking after the kids? As I know as mum's we want to do this sometimes but it is patronising.

I don’t think you have seen the OPs other posts that describe it more clearly and if she’s described it accurately then it’s VERY normal behaviour.

What's normal behaviour?

Caring for your new baby, not wanting people to touch your stomach and checking in that everything is ok, most husbands and mothers of any age understand a new mums feelings and not gaslight them into thinking they’re overly anxious

This is all sounds normal, Dh ott, so as others have said you will need to tell us more about your anxiety.

Apologies I pressed the answer. You are not being unreasonable. An example is blaming a woman for being menopausal. You were being considerate knowing he had been feeling unwell. He is lucky to have a wife like you.

As to anxiety it is perfectly normal to have those feelings with first baby. And pregnant or not I understand not wanting anyone to touch your tummy (bump ). I have had a lot of surgery and can't bear anyone touch my tummy.