To think my partner is being lazy after son was born

[mkwar]

Hi all - I gave birth 3 weeks ago to our little boy and since then there have been somethings my partner has been doing that is really pissing me off. During the 2 weeks paternity he was amazing in the first week then became lazier as the weeks have gone on, he ended up taking just under 3 weeks off work due to me not recovering well and physically struggling due to stitches tearing.

Although being physically unwell I have still done everything for our ds. I'm going to list a few things and tell me if I'm being hormonal and angry for nothing or if I am right?

I stayed in hospital overnight after giving birth I hadn't slept for 36 hours but my partner couldn't stay and had to leave as of hospital rules so I told him to go home and sleep as much as he could so I could sleep when I come home, the night I came home from hospital he slept all night and didn't wake up for ds once so I went like 48 hours no sleep!

Since then he has let me do 80% of stuff for baby while he has done our washing and made microwave meals for us.

He went back to work Monday and I have been doing the days and all nights with our son I know it's only been 2 days since he went back to work but he comes home has a 40 minute bath has his dinner goes on his phone for the whole night before he even takes ds I haven't even managed to shower or eat the past 2 days even when he comes home he hasn't done one nappy in the past 2 days and has done one bottle of my breast milk for him he holds ds for 10 minutes then puts him down. I could go on but if end up writing a book I'm just finding him selfish and lazy I have had no support and he doesn't even offer support I have to moan or ask for simple things x

Yeah he needs knocking out

You'll end up unwell by not eating! Stop this now, when he comes in, you have a 40 minute bath!

YANBU. If he comes home and has 40 mins to bath, and then even 20 mins to stare at his phone, then really he has 15 mins he could shower, 15 mins you could shower. And half an hour to make you both something to eat. The newborn stage and the lack of sleep is hard. Your job is 24 hour, even if he's back at work he still has to do the odd nappy, make the odd dinner, help out even if it's just for an hour or 2 after work every evening so you can shower and eat.

There’s no way in hell someone who loves you let’s you go without showing eating or sleeping whilst they sit on their phone.

You need to have this out now because this is divorce territory.

What a dickhead. Do you have a family member you can baby can go and stay with and be looked after?

Nip this in the bud right now if you can, otherwise this will be your life. Don't let him think for a second it's ok to act like his life gets to stay the same after having a child. Have you spoken to him about it?

My husband was the same except vaping on the toilet for 40 mins instead of a bath. He did this twice after work. I kept on at him saying you must go to the doctor because your toilet habits are totally abnormal, he cried about not having time to himself (!!!). We’ve had many discussions about how he needs to pull his weight. He has got more involved as time has gone on. I’m breastfeeding too and sometimes people find it harder to get involved so I’ve made it as easy as possible for others so that there can’t be excuses. He’s found it much easier as baby got older too as he’s a bit more “fun”. Ridiculous I know.

He sounds awful it why are you letting this happen? Why not wake him when he was sleeping the whole night? Why not hand him baby and take a long bath yourself? Have you actually spoken to him about how you feel? You need to act, and fast.

You need to tell him straight that this can't and won't continue. Selfish arse he is!

Weee there signs he was useless before DS was born or has this come out of the blue? As others have said, hand him DS as soon as he walks in and the take a bath. Go back downstairs and ask him what he’s making for dinner, you’re starving. Force his hand. Sounds like a moron!

Does he know you haven’t showered or eaten a proper meal? Maybe he thinks you’re coping fine and don’t need help? Idk men are just dumb and need spelling out sometimes.

He does sound a bit uninvolved. I think most men usually try to help as much as they can and the pp period is so hard honestly. What happens if you try to have a chat to him about it? Does he think he’s helping or is he aware that he’s not?

I cannot believe he would make his own dinner and sit there merrily chomping away while your starving!

and have a leisurely bath?!!! Seriously!

he needs to step up immediately. His actions are disgusting .

Just spell it out to him. Men can be thick as pig shit. My OH was like this and I will say now he is much better after laying out how I feel (exhausted, resentful and need support). If you tell him and he refuses to pull his weight that's different, but don't give up and let him get away with it! Even if you have to say it every day.. do. Take the baby please, I'm off for a soak. Could you make us some dinner please I'm so hungry and exhausted, I can't face cooking or I'm feeding the baby. Be blunt and honest or you will feel worse as resentment is tiring. It can get better but as I said they sometimes unfortunately do need it spelling out. You have the baby 24.7, just because he works doesn't mean he doesn't need to do his share of parenting.

With our first it wasn't until I said to hubby I ain't had a bath or hair wash in 2 days, it didn't even click with him I hadn't been able to when he was at work either. Once pointed out everything was fine.bbut making meals doing the house chores etc he has always been brilliant with that and especially with the last twins all the extra stuff and night feeds

And play into his hands?
Do not do this. He has to step up, not be given an even easier ride. Not the family members job who may not be thrilled with a newborn under their roof.

-Obviously talk to dh (if you haven’t already) Spell out what you need and tell him to step up. He can’t change his mind about wanting to be a parent.

-Why aren’t you eating and washing? You’ll make yourself ill.
Find a way to fit in self care during the day when you’re alone with baby.

Do things while he’s asleep or make a sandwich and leave him crying for 10 minutes if need be.

OP, men just do not get this. My DH has been the same. You need to tell him.

Don't ask if you can shower,tell him you are going for a shower.
Somehow men can walk out of the room and do what they want without hesitation. We instinctively make sure everything is ok first. It's hard to adapt but you need to be 'rude' ( that's how it felt to me).

(Not trying to man bash, there are amazing dads out there)

I see your point however op you have to prioritise your yourself if he’s checked out for whatever reason.

You need to be getting some rest, eating and washing. If you need support and he is not willing to provide it, then seek it elsewhere.

I would find his behaviour hard to forgive. He should notice and be concerned that you’re struggling and should WANT to be caring for his baby.

You must be feeling very hurt and disregarded x

This needs nipping in the bud, like yesterday! Otherwise it will be like this forever. There is no way in hell my husband would have got away with this, he wanted a baby too so he bloody well looks after it! Where do these men get the cheek 🫣

Oh gosh reading this actually pissed me off. You need to be very clear with him that he needs to share the workload.

You need to demand that he helps. When he comes home tell you him you need the toilet and pass him the baby. Then when you need a shower tell him, pass the baby and walk out. When you’re tired say as you’re not helping in the night I need to sleep in the day. I’m going for a nap. When more than one thing needs doing give him two options. We need to eat but the baby needs feeding and changing, which are you doing? Keep this up consistently for a few days and with any luck he might realise what’s required of him and it’ll become more automatic.

He is not pulling his weight but why are you allowing him to do that? Put your foot down, hand the baby over and take a bath.

Don't be a martyr and do it all as it will become a pattern. I've seen that happen with friends unfortunately. You shouldn't have to but tell him what you need and be more forceful. Also, don't wait for him to wake up just give him a swift elbow and tell him it's his turn

The odd nappy?!!
OP's husband has to take over caring (all of it!) for the baby when he comes back from work so she can have a break! THEIR job is 24h! He can surely manage more than the odd meal too, particularly if they are microwaved.

WTH with fathers expected to care for their kid an hour a day!

I was having a chat with a friend the other day and we were wondering why so many men become slightly useless as soon as a baby is born. I don’t know if it’s laziness or just cluelessness, or some sort of internalized misogyny. Perhaps there really is a biological element too? I’m not sure.

But it’s clear that it’s all-too-common for even good, kind men to leave the lion’s share of all the baby-related work to the mother. It’s annoying but don’t despair - your DH may well redeem himself later on - so it’s important that you don’t waste too much of your emotional energy fretting about it.

Sadly, I am of the view that the whole world becomes a lot more sexist when a women has a child and I can’t see that this will change any time soon. Having a child is probably the world thing a woman can do for her own equality in life. And yet, even knowing all this, I would do it all again in a heartbeat : having children is still the best, most meaningful, most rewarding thing that I’ve ever done. The love and strength you will develop as a mother surpasses anything you can imagine. Plus, there is a new female solidarity that I think you only truly know when you have kids : mothers have so much in common with each other, regardless of country, race or culture.

So, in this imperfect world, the advice I’d recommend to any new mother would be to:

(A) rally her female support group around her at times like this. Do you have any female relatives or friends that could help you?

(B) don’t allow yourself to be drained emotionally by your partner’s flaws when you already have so much on your plate. This is not ‘giving up’; it’s just being realistic that you need to conserve energy right now and having fights with your partner aren’t helpful to you.

(C) In your head, accept the fact that he may not (for now) be the equal partner you want (and absolutely deserve) but instead you may need to view him temporarily as a ‘sous chef’ who needs really clear instructions about what you need. For example, you could say: “I am going for a bath and will be a while. You need to look after Baby for the next hour and feed and change nappy.”. That sort of thing.

I wish you all the very best and many congratulations on your baby! You sound strong and a great mother already; welcome to the club!

Wow, so many men apologists on this thread.

Men are not incapable. Funny how they don't need to be told at work.

'men just don't get it' bullshit. It's weaponised incompetence and the longer women allow it to go on, the longer it will.

OP, if your partner is so useless you can't tell you're struggling, haven't showered or eaten for 2 days he needs telling. And telling straight. He is being a lazy, selfish bastard.