To think my partner is being lazy after son was born

[mkwar]

Hi all - I gave birth 3 weeks ago to our little boy and since then there have been somethings my partner has been doing that is really pissing me off. During the 2 weeks paternity he was amazing in the first week then became lazier as the weeks have gone on, he ended up taking just under 3 weeks off work due to me not recovering well and physically struggling due to stitches tearing.

Although being physically unwell I have still done everything for our ds. I'm going to list a few things and tell me if I'm being hormonal and angry for nothing or if I am right?

I stayed in hospital overnight after giving birth I hadn't slept for 36 hours but my partner couldn't stay and had to leave as of hospital rules so I told him to go home and sleep as much as he could so I could sleep when I come home, the night I came home from hospital he slept all night and didn't wake up for ds once so I went like 48 hours no sleep!

Since then he has let me do 80% of stuff for baby while he has done our washing and made microwave meals for us.

He went back to work Monday and I have been doing the days and all nights with our son I know it's only been 2 days since he went back to work but he comes home has a 40 minute bath has his dinner goes on his phone for the whole night before he even takes ds I haven't even managed to shower or eat the past 2 days even when he comes home he hasn't done one nappy in the past 2 days and has done one bottle of my breast milk for him he holds ds for 10 minutes then puts him down. I could go on but if end up writing a book I'm just finding him selfish and lazy I have had no support and he doesn't even offer support I have to moan or ask for simple things x

My husband complained about changing two nappies in a row once. I reminded him I'd been home alone all day. When he was home he was in charge of output poo and wind. He also kept me fed. I had to tell him. Your husband needs to get involved with his son or he won't know him.

Right now you need support. Tell him that he isn't pulling his weight and you aren't standing for it. I'd then make sure you have contraception sorted. Short term I'd ask for help from family or a friend to allow you to get into some sort of routine and get the lazy sod to pull his weight.

Longterm we all have different standards and only you know what you are willing to put up with. For me this is ltb territory. I've had 3 sections and dh has done his fair share right from the beginning and I wouldn't have settled for anything less, plus he has always wanted to. When we had our first he had 2 weeks leave and took a further 2 weeks annual leave, he would come home from work and make a beeline for dd1. He missed her. Yours is getting in and having a 40 minute bath and then on his phone. A partner should be exactly that, someone who shares the load not someone who acts like a deadweight and drags you down. Ultimately it is down to you and I wouldn't be making any longterm decisions whilst you are in the throes of early parenthood but if things don't change you really need to reassess this relationship.

Best of luck op.

I agree

If he doesn't improve tell his mum on him

This is so true. My DH was completely on it from day 1. Both boys are as happy with him as they are with me - bed times, being comforted, taken out etc. A completely equal parent.

Sorry everyone DS has been unwell today so it's been very full on and I haven't had the time to respond- thank you all for your advice I read each one and it's genuinely greatly appreciated and eye opening I appreciate what everyone's advice and I completely agree with the majority of what's been said I sat down this evening after today because ds was really clingy and unwell so I have been non stop all day and haven't been able to put him down so after reading all of this and having a think today I spoke to him and expressed all my concerns and made it clear it will not work this way and to be honest I quoted a lot of what you all said which was really helpful. I hope things change from here as yes he is and was completely supportive in all aspects prior to our ds. We are first time parents too for anyone who asked. Any updates I will let you all know praying he listens and takes on board what I have said I was very firm and to the point I didn't beat around the bush so fingers crossed.

Thank you all again ❤️

That's good, op!

These early days are super hard. In normal life, you'd have something stressful like birth or a few nights of bad sleep and then rest up to get over it. Newborns are a slog and at about that you're at, your patience runs out and you get crabby with each other.

Not unusual. He does need to pull his weight but I don't think he's necessarily a bad egg. It's all just so much to adapt to.

Hope your baby is better soon.

Awww, hope your little one is OK xx

Ugh. I’ve been there.

Nip it in the bud now. The resentment will kill your relationship. Not just in this moment, but you will remember how he treated you during this vulnerable moment years after.

I was coming on to say this. Pack bags and leave him and take the baby. He needs to understand he will loose you fast with this behaviour.

What an awful man.

Oh and switch off the internet so he can't go on his phone! 🤣

I'd just go and stay with family and leave him too it

Well done for telling him straight and I hope he steps up now!

This. Please find your rage OP

Really glad to hear your update.

Don't expect that conversation to be a magic wand... it may take a while to get into new habits. Don't fall into the trap of martyring yourself - don't be afraid to state your needs clearly and directly, eg. when he comes in from work and heads for the bathroom, tell him "no, that needs to wait until the baby's in bed asleep. I need to eat right now," whilst handing him the baby and walking off to the kitchen.

And OP just remember something I've read on here several times on here which you can say to him "either looking after a baby is hard work, in which case you need to give me a break, or it's easy, in which case there's no reason you can't do it".

If you knew what it's like you would understand. You probably had loads a help from elders.

I've had loads of help from elders? What's that supposed to mean?