To think my partner is being lazy after son was born

[mkwar]

Hi all - I gave birth 3 weeks ago to our little boy and since then there have been somethings my partner has been doing that is really pissing me off. During the 2 weeks paternity he was amazing in the first week then became lazier as the weeks have gone on, he ended up taking just under 3 weeks off work due to me not recovering well and physically struggling due to stitches tearing.

Although being physically unwell I have still done everything for our ds. I'm going to list a few things and tell me if I'm being hormonal and angry for nothing or if I am right?

I stayed in hospital overnight after giving birth I hadn't slept for 36 hours but my partner couldn't stay and had to leave as of hospital rules so I told him to go home and sleep as much as he could so I could sleep when I come home, the night I came home from hospital he slept all night and didn't wake up for ds once so I went like 48 hours no sleep!

Since then he has let me do 80% of stuff for baby while he has done our washing and made microwave meals for us.

He went back to work Monday and I have been doing the days and all nights with our son I know it's only been 2 days since he went back to work but he comes home has a 40 minute bath has his dinner goes on his phone for the whole night before he even takes ds I haven't even managed to shower or eat the past 2 days even when he comes home he hasn't done one nappy in the past 2 days and has done one bottle of my breast milk for him he holds ds for 10 minutes then puts him down. I could go on but if end up writing a book I'm just finding him selfish and lazy I have had no support and he doesn't even offer support I have to moan or ask for simple things x

When I had newborns DH couldn’t get enough of them. I don’t understand these lazy bastard men.

YANBU OP. Not at all.

When we had a newborn my husband came home from work and took them, gave them a bath while I did dinner, then cleared up, dishwasher, sorted out washing etc, then we took turns walking around with the baby to sooth them during the witching hours, then even though I was breastfeeding he changed nappies in the night, brought the baby to me the first few nights for feeding as I was struggling to move, and even took them for walks or drives in the night if they were struggling to settle after a feed. I didn't have to ask for any of this.

Not saying this to make you feel bad but just to show you that yes, your partner is being unsupportive and actually downright nasty not wanting to do as much as he can for his 'partner' who is exhausted and sore and hasn't even showered or slept. As others have said, its not an equal partnership if one hasn't got chance for a 10 min shower and the other knows this but still has a 40 min bath.

Some of it is lazy bastardhood.

Some of it is intense fear and panic that everything has changed and they don't know how to handle it so they stick their head in the sand for fear of getting it wrong.

I'm not being an apologist, but the average man has less preparation for parenthood than the average woman. Hearing about it, TV stories about it etc. Men don't open up about these things. It's emotional and messy and they just clam up.

He needs to step up and do more, you need to express what you want and feel instead of taking up the slack with gritted teeth. He can get himself a book (dh had commando dad which was ridiculous but instructive).

A cloth sling can make a huge difference for your ability to get stuff done during the day. You can go to the loo in one, make meals, go for a walk etc.

When he's home, say 'right you hold the baby, I'll have a bath and get dressed, take the baby for a feed, we'll chat for 20 mins then you've got an hour to yourself if you want it.'

If he doesn't wake for baby in the night, you wake him. He'll learn, a lot of sleep is subconscious stuff where the brain goes 'I don't need to wake for that'.

You get less time to yourself when you have a baby. He needs to understand that. You don't get complete freedom again for 20-odd years if ever.

The 40 minute bath after work made my blood boil!!!

I'm recently a first time mum and have felt a little bit like you at times. However my baby was EBF (until recently) so unfortunately a lot of the work was left to me, the night feeds etc. But my partner did all the cooking, cleaning, washing. He even cut up my food in the beginning while I was holding baby so I could eat.

You need to talk to him before it gets too out of control. I hate these sorts of discussions but they have to be had I'm afraid otherwise you'll drive yourself mad, you'll resent him and you'll make yourself poorly which is not good for your baby. You need to eat if you are BF and/or expressing, this is soooo important!

The first few weeks are really tough OP, but try to make a plan together, for example partner has a 10 min shower when he's home, takes baby while you get some time to yourself or you cook tea (still a chore but is something a bit different than looking after baby) he gives baby bottle. At this age I'm sure you're up late and don't really have a bedtime for baby yet.

In terms of showers, I still take my baby in the bathroom with me while I shower in the morning (she is 6 months old now). No need to wait until your partner is home.

It's full on for both of you; he's working, you're looking after the baby. I don't agree with dads being handed the baby as soon as they come through the door (I've been told this by many mamas I've met) because mum has had a hard day, working isn't always easy either. So for a while you'll both be at max capacity but it will get easier. You need to work as a team so you both get a bit of breathing space. You both made this amazing miracle so work at it together.

But if you don't talk to him about it, it won't change and he'll think this is the new normal. But maybe keep in mind that he may be struggling to adjust, a baby turns your world upside down and he may be finding it hard too.

Assuming you are a first time mum??

Don’t just huff away silently but still continue to do everything. Be vocal, be clear and be strong. You are BOTH this child’s parents and you will both partake equally in the care.

My ex was like this and he ended up walking away just days after DC turned 1. In other words as soon as the harder work began and he was required to run around after DC and be a parent.

Are you both first time parents? It could be that he just doesn’t realise he’s doing anything wrong. My husband was the same with our first born, to the point I had depression and considered leaving him altogether. Only after I opened up to him about what I needed from him and how he wasn’t pulling his weight, did he realise what he was doing. Second child, he was very different, I still had to ask him for help on times but he was much more ‘on’ than the first, and would make much more effort. You’re not being unreasonable to expect him to pull his weight, but you need to make sure he’s aware of what is expected of him.

Have you communicated to him what support you want? What a good evening/night would look like for you? If you want him to have a quick shower when he gets in then take baby for an hour while you have a break and look after yourself for a brief time. Have you discussed doing shifts in the night? I slept 8 til 12 every evening when ours were newborn, so I got at least one block of sleep each night.
you need to proactively manage your resources at this point, and you need to communicate what you need, and what you think is fair. Unfortunately lots of new Dads don’t see what’s needed without being told.

I would have lost my rag by now!

Agree with other posters. Be blunt when he comes home - “DH, I haven’t had chance for a shower in 2 days. I’m going for a bath. Baby’s bottle is ready and he needs his nappy changed and a cuddle. I’ll be down in an hour.” Hand him baby, run bath, lock door.

Either speak up now or this is how your life will be from now on. You are both parents so he needs to do his share.

You need to nip this in the bud, straight away. Ideally you should try to sit down and talk it through calmly, so he can see that he is being unfair rather than feeling defensive of you lose your temper. In the long run, people tend to react better if they feel it is being explained to them and they come to the realisation themselves, rather than feeling they are being criticised.

Some men think that because they are at work, that means they are busier than you. But looking after a new born is more work than a 9-6 job, because it is 24/7. Also, if you don’t sleep or eat, you will get ill and everything will fall to him. He needs to understand that too. Good luck.

I agree with speaking up. I doubt he’s noticed you haven’t washed or eaten for 2 days.
You need to find a way to look after yourself when dh is at work.

However, op did say she’d asked him to allow her to rest.

Her issue is he doesn’t offer support. I have to moan or ask for simple things to be done

Unfortunately you’ll probably have to continue asking. He probably views it as your job.
Make it clear that although you’re prepared to do more at home and with the baby now he’s working FT, you’re still recovering from major surgery and in these early days you need more support.

Of course you also want him to bond with his child and are concerned about his complete lack of interest in the baby.

I bet he grew up in a household where his mum did all the child-related stuff and his dad pleased himself.

Don’t let yourself become “Mum”. Break the cycle.

I agree. You need to tell him what to do.
Not ask, not wait & see if he'll magically do it.

My husband is lovely but I've learned to say 'I'm going for a shower' or 'you start dinner there while I'm upstairs'. Some men (like mine) need clear instructions. Otherwise they think all is in hand & off they pop for a 40 min poop & shower 🙈

It used to bug me when he'd say 'just tell me what needs doing' but I've come to realise he'll never bloody figure out what needs doing.

G

Please do this. As annoying as it is, you need to tell him what needs to be done. Don't hint as it sounds as though he won't pick up on it.

He needs to pull his weight, but if he doesn't offer then talk or you'll end up resenting him, which is no good for anyone.

Good luck!

I’d hazard a guess that when you were both working and child free, you did the bulk of everything domestic related?

He probably think he’s a hero for putting the washing on and heating up microwave meals these last few days. He thinks he’s “holding the fort” until you step back into doing everything?

As well as Asking him to pitch in , I think there needs to be a conversation about how you’ll share housework and childcare going forwards. EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED mate, you can’t carry on pleasing yourself every night after work.

Its probably a shock for him but there are some advantages- he has a lovely wife and a beautiful son 😂

Agree some “rules” such as - he has baby for an hour after he’s showered after work, you take turns doing bath and bedtime, he does nappy changes and soothing on the weekend nights /or on his day off, you take turns cooking in the evening etc.

It sounds patronising but he’ll probably bond more quickly with his son and gain confidence in caring for him if you insist he has one to one time with his son (and make sure you step back when he does- (don’t hover and criticise!)

He’ll also have a new found realisation of how hard it is (and respect for all you do) haha.

Yet another prince among men who has realised what hard work it is to raise a baby and decided it's not his problem. It's absolute rubbish to say that men just don't get it. Of course they can see what needs doing. He's just a lazy idiot. I'm so sorry. Your only choice is to force his hand, as a PP said. Hand him the baby as soon as he gets in; tell him to do things and don't ask if it's OK. He should be fitting his needs around you and the baby's needs. If he doesn't want to do that and if he responds badly to being told to step up then you know you're onto a loser. I hope things start to look up for you. Good luck, and congratulations on your new son.

Hi, Every Newborn situation is different.
First I want to say NUTRITION will help and I'm not sure MICROWAVE meal is the best solution . Stock up on VEGETABLES and Good meats / protein.
This NEWBORN stage takes a LOT of navigating, it's tough in the early days and what I've learned is BABIES are creatures of habit THEY LIKE the same thing at the same time every day but your issue is with DH. He's going through his own adjustments too so you're both going through big adjustments. Make a written list of both agreed jobs is worth a try. It's just a huge time of upheaval and because it's hard, it's easy to blame. It's too easy to let a child put a strain on relationships and it's a real danger in my eyes. Congratulations to you if you have not done something drastic. Truth is ( M) are hopeless in this situation. If you've any sense you will seek support with fellow mums ( groups ) it's imperative!!!!!! Check out your local church, very often they have mothers groups on a regular basis. You could strike up a close friendship with one to Navigate this challenging time. Or cal your Health visitor for tips.

It's like you are blaming the MOTHER here and giving the FATHER excuse to not act appropriately and be LAZY!

Please don't teach ANOTHER mother your dreadfully poor standards for a husband and father, it's embarrassing!

@kisstheblarney

The line “Congratulations to you if you have not done something drastic” stood out for me. 🤣
What like strangling the lazy dh or beating him over the head with his bloody phone.

But going to a church group will avoid all that...... it's imperative!

Have you spelled it out to him?

For example, when you the baby wakes in the night and it's his turn but he hasn't woken up, do you wake him up and say "it's your turn, I need sleep, I haven't slept for 2 days"? When the baby's nappy needs changing, do you hand the baby to him and say "I did the last 4, it's your turn"? When he starts running his bath, do you say "hold up, it's my turn for a bath and to eat, you're on baby duty"?

He's absolutely not doing enough, but I don't think there's any point talking about divorce etc. unless you've actually communicated the problem to him.

If he STILL doesn't step up, after you've spelled it out to him, then yes, divorce.

I find it hard to believe that this has come out of the blue. Surely he can't have been a caring thoughtful partner before you got pregnant, because if so this is a 180 degree change. A caring thoughtful partner thinks about what their partner needs or wants and tries to make those things happen, without neglecting themselves. He is obviously not doing that.

I wouldn't find this acceptable. Every couple has to negotiate these types of issues to find a mutually acceptable distribution of tasks. Ideally this happens organically without the need for a serious conversation about it, but this seems unlikely to happen in your situation.

You need to decide what is acceptable to you. If continuing in this way isn't (and who could blame you?) you need to sit down with him and have a discussion about how you feeling and what you need from him. And you need to not be afraid to lay down boundaries, including what will happen if he doesn't step up. (Of course, he is equally allowed to express his opinion and lay down his boundaries.) Hopefully you can come to a consensus which will allow your relationship to continue and you to work as a team to raise your child. Good luck!