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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dated for 8 weeks, then I dumped him by text

65 replies

lousyatchoosingnames · 23/01/2024 19:33

Hey

So i started dating a guy in late November, he's nice, we go out for 2 dates. One for coffee, second for drinks locally. But I have kids and it's the run up to Christmas and there's a cost of living crisis and quite frankly I'm skint. So I started to invite him to mine for meals and Netflix instead.

I went to his place once, it's barren compared to mine so every time I ask, my place or yours, he always says mine.

So since about the first week in December he has come to mine and I've cooked and meal and supplied the alcohol.

He hasn't cooked for me once or brought alcohol once.

He also hasn't invited me out anywhere or paid for a meal or takeaway.

So after 2 months, I don't have particularly strong feelings growing and he's not making much effort so I've decided it needs to end. Otherwise I'll be seriously out of pocket and growing in resentment.

Part of me thinks I should have started saying after the second or third meal that he should bring some drink or cook sometime. But I'm a people pleaser so I keep my mouth shut and hope he'll figure it out.

If my feelings were growing and it was worth pursuing then I would have had a chat with him. But as it stands, I just want out before it feels toxic.

I was going to invite him over tomorrow night and tell him to his face. But that means spending more money on food and drink and it would be awkward getting him here, me saying my peice and him then having to leave early.

So I just sent a text. I've said if he happy to stay friends but the one sided nature of give and take feels too toxic.

He hasn't texted back, it's been 2 hours now.

Am I being unreasonable?

I don't think it's the best way of ending it, but I didn't

OP posts:
Purplemertle · 23/01/2024 19:50

Sounds perfectly fine to me, sounds like he's a user.

Don't feel guilty, if he can't be bothered to make any effort.

KrisAkabusi · 23/01/2024 19:50

Why are you expecting a text back? You've dumped him by text and called him toxic. I don't think I'd bother responding in that situation.

Alwaystired2023 · 23/01/2024 19:53

Oh it's fine, totally see how you could fall quickly into 'dates' at yours but you did the right thing ending it - he could have put some thought in and made those home dates nice but chose not to and leeched off your hospitality

Bigger question is how do you break this cycle and ensure future dates aren't given a green light to take the piss

Alwaystired2023 · 23/01/2024 19:53

I don't mean that as in it's your fault, it's more of a rhetorical question

Hesma · 23/01/2024 19:56

What are you expecting in a text back? A big FU?

CharmedCult · 23/01/2024 19:57

Never ever invite a man over to your house to end things in person.

If you feel it should be done face to face then always on neutral territory where you have a means of exit/escape.

In this case, text was fine. He’s become complacent after 8 weeks.

Next!

AMuser · 23/01/2024 19:58

Side question … are you American? I notice the relaying of stories on American tv often involves people speaking in the present tense “so I’m standing there and he says to me …” etc.

On the main point. More fool you but a decent bloke would never do that. Myself and my bf don’t live together but we go to each others equally and each buy the food & booze when it’s at ours. You’re well rid and didn’t owe him more than a text.

ExtremelyJoyous · 23/01/2024 20:00

I’d say he deserved to be dumped by text 🤣 8 weeks isn’t a long time anyway!

AMuser · 23/01/2024 20:00

What’s the friends thing about tho? That’s daft.

Aubree17 · 23/01/2024 20:03

No guy should ever arrive at your house for dinner without bringing something like wine or flowers in the early days.

lousyatchoosingnames · 23/01/2024 20:06

Thanks guys, looks like most of you agree that dumping by text under these circumstances isn't so bad.

He has now texted back, he's been friendly and we've agreed to stay friends which is good.

OP posts:
Ecstaticmotion · 23/01/2024 20:07

I'm not suggesting you've done anything wrong, but I'm also wondering if he might be really struggling for money? If his home is 'barren' and he's consistently seeming not to spend any money. Either way, he's not for you, but it might be a more sympathetic perspective.

lousyatchoosingnames · 23/01/2024 20:07

Purplemertle · 23/01/2024 19:50

Sounds perfectly fine to me, sounds like he's a user.

Don't feel guilty, if he can't be bothered to make any effort.

Thanks yeah he had also mentioned that his ex complained that he never paid towards the food shopping so it seemed like using was a pattern.

OP posts:
CharmedCult · 23/01/2024 20:08

Why on earth do you want to stay friends? Confused

lousyatchoosingnames · 23/01/2024 20:09

KrisAkabusi · 23/01/2024 19:50

Why are you expecting a text back? You've dumped him by text and called him toxic. I don't think I'd bother responding in that situation.

Good point, that's why I was asking here if it was unreasonable, I know it's not my finest moment but what's the best way of dealing with it? Meeting and telling him to his face? Meeting I a bar, could be awkrard in public,,on the phone? We never phoned each other, only texted.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 23/01/2024 20:10

Well rid then

lousyatchoosingnames · 23/01/2024 20:11

Alwaystired2023 · 23/01/2024 19:53

Oh it's fine, totally see how you could fall quickly into 'dates' at yours but you did the right thing ending it - he could have put some thought in and made those home dates nice but chose not to and leeched off your hospitality

Bigger question is how do you break this cycle and ensure future dates aren't given a green light to take the piss

You're right to bring up. How do I break this cycle? To be fair, I've had loads of toxic exes and I spotted this one and got rid within 8 weeks so I am definitely becoming more discerning and protecting myself quicker than I have in the past. Still some work to do though.

OP posts:
lousyatchoosingnames · 23/01/2024 20:12

Alwaystired2023 · 23/01/2024 19:53

I don't mean that as in it's your fault, it's more of a rhetorical question

Yeah I get it, but on some level the victim is always at fault allowing it accepting the negative treatment. Still working on it, more self love required.

OP posts:
scorpiogirly · 23/01/2024 20:12

No wonder his ex dumped him too.

January24 · 23/01/2024 20:13

Why did he tell you his ex complained about the same thing? He obviously doesn’t care!

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 23/01/2024 20:20

It's only 8 weeks nothing serious, I think a text is fine.

BirthdayRainbow · 23/01/2024 20:21

I think toxic was a bit over the top but you can end a relationship for any reason and the fact he's not said anything underlines it's the right thing to do.

Alwaystired2023 · 23/01/2024 20:26

I wish I had solved this issue for myself before settling with a similar sort of guy so you can do it for both of us 🤣

You really are worth a guy who dates by treating you special !! Doesn't have to cost the earth but you know when someone is making an effort

Mrsttcno1 · 23/01/2024 20:28

I think the best advice when dating someone new is exactly that, at least for the first few months DATE them, chat, flirt, go on dates, keep things exciting. Don’t jump too quickly to long term behaviour of nights in the house.

I’ve literally just been giving my friend this advice tonight as she is in a similar situation, keep dating as exactly that- dating! And dating doesn’t have to be £150 on dinner & drinks in a fancy restaurant, it can be as simple and cheap as £10 on 2 for 1 cinema tickets and a bag of popcorn from asda, £7/8 on a couple of coffees, £5 changed in 2p’s to spend an hour in the amusements, even as simple as a free walk round somewhere on a weekend or after work. If it’s the right person then what & where the date is doesn’t matter, what matters is that you’re both taking turns to plan an evening/couple of hours with the other. Don’t fall too quickly into sitting in the house and eating dinner together.

TTCSoManyQuestions88 · 23/01/2024 20:30

OMG NEVER break up with a guy in your own home. I did this once (I was only 21). It took HOURS to get him the fuck out of my house. He cried, he begged, he tried to reason with me, then got angry and started arguing. I couldn't walk away!

Just posting this here so others can learn from what was obviously a mistake lol.