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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dated for 8 weeks, then I dumped him by text

65 replies

lousyatchoosingnames · 23/01/2024 19:33

Hey

So i started dating a guy in late November, he's nice, we go out for 2 dates. One for coffee, second for drinks locally. But I have kids and it's the run up to Christmas and there's a cost of living crisis and quite frankly I'm skint. So I started to invite him to mine for meals and Netflix instead.

I went to his place once, it's barren compared to mine so every time I ask, my place or yours, he always says mine.

So since about the first week in December he has come to mine and I've cooked and meal and supplied the alcohol.

He hasn't cooked for me once or brought alcohol once.

He also hasn't invited me out anywhere or paid for a meal or takeaway.

So after 2 months, I don't have particularly strong feelings growing and he's not making much effort so I've decided it needs to end. Otherwise I'll be seriously out of pocket and growing in resentment.

Part of me thinks I should have started saying after the second or third meal that he should bring some drink or cook sometime. But I'm a people pleaser so I keep my mouth shut and hope he'll figure it out.

If my feelings were growing and it was worth pursuing then I would have had a chat with him. But as it stands, I just want out before it feels toxic.

I was going to invite him over tomorrow night and tell him to his face. But that means spending more money on food and drink and it would be awkward getting him here, me saying my peice and him then having to leave early.

So I just sent a text. I've said if he happy to stay friends but the one sided nature of give and take feels too toxic.

He hasn't texted back, it's been 2 hours now.

Am I being unreasonable?

I don't think it's the best way of ending it, but I didn't

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 24/01/2024 07:27

*game playing. Won’t let me edit.

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/01/2024 07:28

To be honest I think he has absolutely no social skills if he thinks he can come along to a woman's house for a meal and drinks and not bring anything at all. Who does that?

lousyatchoosingnames · 24/01/2024 07:33

For all saying that calling his behaviour toxic is a bit strong. Yes you're right, however I have a long history of attracting abusive partners.

I've had a violent relationship, coercive control, men that have leached off me way more than this guy, I've had a narcissist, a guy who would never commit and just kept me as a casual girlfriend.

Ultimately I know that I am the main problem becuase I don't really have strong boundaries and my picker is broken.

But over time I'm spotting red flags earlier and ending things quicker to stop myself getting too hurt.

That's why I called it toxic, I e been on the receiving end of a lot of toxic behaviour and if this continued it would have been toxic.

Still learning, but I regularly ask on Mumsnet when I'm in a relationship query Becuase thankfully, many of you lot have good good boundaries and good pickers and can give me pointers to keep me right. So thanks to all who join the discussion and help people like me who are from homes where healthy relationships weren't modelled at all. 🙏

OP posts:
HalloumiGeller · 24/01/2024 07:39

My god I don't blame you, he's taking the living piss! When I met my partner he was absolutely skint (student) but he would still buy food for us to have when I went over to his.

The worst thing is, he clearly knew aswell coz he didn't argue it with you! Well rid.

lousyatchoosingnames · 24/01/2024 07:44

MayThe4th · 24/01/2024 07:26

This smacks of hae playing to me.

Fine to end the relationship for whatever reason. Personally I probably wouldn’t have done it by text but if it’s the choice between that and having him in your house then understandable.

But now you seem put out that he didn’t text back? Sounds to me like you were hoping he’d ask you to reconsider, maybe commit to doing more etc, otherwise exactly what do you want from him?

You’ve told him he’s toxic. That’s the end of it, you’re unreasonable to expect a response to that. In fact if you’d posted here that a bloke had sent you a text along those lines the response would be to not reply, to block and move on.

Yeah so I've just checked the wording again, I wrote:

Hey, so we’ve been getting to know each other for the last 2 months. I like you and I’m attracted to you but the give and take between us is seriously unbalanced and anything that one sided eventually ends up being toxic. I’ve promised myself that I will not allow myself to get into a relationship where I end up used or abused and so it’s best if we park our connection. Happy to be be friends, take care xxx

And he knows all about my toxic ex's as I went into detail about those. It's something I would always discuss becuase im trying to tell potentials that I will no longer put up with bad behaviour.

My wording might be a bit harsh but the fact is, if you carry the trajectory forward, with me always paying and him always taking - it would have been toxic. I've tried 'changing' mens bad behaviour before and it doesn't work. So leaving when you notice it is the way forward as far as I can see, happy to be corrected. Maybe stronger characters can whip men into shape but I don't think I'm one of them.

OP posts:
lousyatchoosingnames · 24/01/2024 07:44

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/01/2024 07:28

To be honest I think he has absolutely no social skills if he thinks he can come along to a woman's house for a meal and drinks and not bring anything at all. Who does that?

I agree

OP posts:
TreesWelliesKnees · 24/01/2024 07:47

Some men seem to think single mothers are desperate for a man, have low self esteem, and have a lower status than a woman with no kids. So apparently we will put up with zero effort and be happy, even grateful, to look after him. Back in the real world, we are fed up with being the one who always does the looking after and we want genuine reciprocity. The only answer is to love and value yourself so highly that it shines through to everyone. That's the real project.

GreyCarpet · 24/01/2024 07:52

right, however I have a long history of attracting abusive partners.

You don't attract abusive partners.

Men who are abusive are attracted to a range of women. You just haven't filtered them out when they show you they're a bit of a dick early on.

You've done that this time though. So well done.

I also don't think there's anything wrong with ending an 8 week 'thing' by text. But I wouldn't suggest being fiends with someone after such a short time. Unless maybe I actually really wanted to be friends with them.

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/01/2024 07:55

You were dating him on a pay-per-view basis. of course you can cancel the subscription anytime you want.

lousyatchoosingnames · 24/01/2024 07:59

TreesWelliesKnees · 24/01/2024 07:47

Some men seem to think single mothers are desperate for a man, have low self esteem, and have a lower status than a woman with no kids. So apparently we will put up with zero effort and be happy, even grateful, to look after him. Back in the real world, we are fed up with being the one who always does the looking after and we want genuine reciprocity. The only answer is to love and value yourself so highly that it shines through to everyone. That's the real project.

Absolutely!! Couldn't agree more

OP posts:
lousyatchoosingnames · 24/01/2024 07:59

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/01/2024 07:55

You were dating him on a pay-per-view basis. of course you can cancel the subscription anytime you want.

😂😂😂 love it!

OP posts:
98percent · 24/01/2024 08:48

He can't even buy a bottle of wine or furnish his house because all his money goes on lovely holidays? You have definitely dodged a bullet there!!

Delphiniumandlupins · 25/01/2024 00:41

Thanks for your updates. It's obvious you didn't describe him as toxic, just that the relationship had the potential to become toxic. Even better that you were proactive and ended it. Sometimes it takes practice to learn how to keep ourselves healthy

Gettingbysomehow · 25/01/2024 00:45

He sounds like a right sponge. I wouldn't give it another thought.

Dontkillspiders · 25/01/2024 03:03

When you went on the first two dates outside who paid?
If you paid, you showed him you're his mum.
If you went Dutch you showed him you're his friend.
Why would he bring anything to eat with his mum or friend? He isn't trying to court you, he wants to be babied.

Good you ended it and next time a man pays for you for dates

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