Dated for 8 weeks, then I dumped him by text

[lousyatchoosingnames]

Hey

So i started dating a guy in late November, he's nice, we go out for 2 dates. One for coffee, second for drinks locally. But I have kids and it's the run up to Christmas and there's a cost of living crisis and quite frankly I'm skint. So I started to invite him to mine for meals and Netflix instead.

I went to his place once, it's barren compared to mine so every time I ask, my place or yours, he always says mine.

So since about the first week in December he has come to mine and I've cooked and meal and supplied the alcohol.

He hasn't cooked for me once or brought alcohol once.

He also hasn't invited me out anywhere or paid for a meal or takeaway.

So after 2 months, I don't have particularly strong feelings growing and he's not making much effort so I've decided it needs to end. Otherwise I'll be seriously out of pocket and growing in resentment.

Part of me thinks I should have started saying after the second or third meal that he should bring some drink or cook sometime. But I'm a people pleaser so I keep my mouth shut and hope he'll figure it out.

If my feelings were growing and it was worth pursuing then I would have had a chat with him. But as it stands, I just want out before it feels toxic.

I was going to invite him over tomorrow night and tell him to his face. But that means spending more money on food and drink and it would be awkward getting him here, me saying my peice and him then having to leave early.

So I just sent a text. I've said if he happy to stay friends but the one sided nature of give and take feels too toxic.

He hasn't texted back, it's been 2 hours now.

Am I being unreasonable?

I don't think it's the best way of ending it, but I didn't

Did he even try to apologise or give any reason as to why he let you pay?
Awful behaviour especially if he's aware he's doing it as in telling you he let his ex pay for food

The only mistake is wanting to be friends with him. He's a taker.

I can't believe he's aware of it and that's that. Not even an apology or a suggestion to make an effort.

Suppose he'll just move onto the next person to get fed and watered.

Bizarre knob behaviour.

He seems a bit mean and lazy. Toxic is a bit strong though. Well done on being assertive and not just drifting on when you weren't happy. Now you just need to practice asking for what you want in relationships.

Delete and block. You owe him nothing

This. I probably wouldn’t have described it as toxic in the text and if I did I definitely wouldn’t expect a reply.

"... and hope he'll figure it out."

In my experience, people rarely 'figure it out'. You have to tell them (nicely) how things need to change.

It's such a fallacy that these guys don't know or understand or realise. Of course they do. He knew he wasn't paying and you were. That's how he likes it, he's a taker, and you can guarantee that it will only get worse. Text dump was perfectly appropriate. Wouldn't bother with friendship though, taker friends are just as crap as taker boyfriends.

@SuperGreens agree with this.

OP good riddance, best of luck moving forward

What will he offer you ax as a friend? He's a user, mean, tight, not really friend material is he?

Odd!

Nothing wrong with putting it in a text in my view, it's much better than ghosting

Why on earth would you want to be friends with this utter cocklodger in the making? Stop being so fucking "nice." You don't owe anyone anything.

Yes, I think he is stretched, he tends to spend his money on holidays so he's going to Egypt in April with a friend and Thailand in October with another friend so I know he puts his money towards big holidays.

So yes probably not much money to contribute but equally he isn't spending his own money buying his own dinner at home Becuase he's eating my food twice a week so he is saving enough to make a contribution.

He is a nice guy. I do like him, but I've realised we wouldn't work as a couple.

He deserved to be dumped by text. Very cheeky and rude, but I am not sure I would say “toxic” and I don’t know why you needed to put that in your text. I also don’t know why you say you want to stay friends.

I think it's because he was the baby of the family, quite a large family, he was youngest, he had four older sisters. I think he always got looked after so he's ended up thinking that all he needs to do is show up and he's done his bit.

I might be wrong but I do think it's been programmed into him. It's like he doesn't realise he's doing wrong.

We had a few texts back and forward last night and he's devastated that he's come across that way. Although he can see it, and he's offered to help me out with some diy jobs to try to make it right. But he has said, just as friends.

Thanks, this is what I was hoping to hear, it's so difficult know what's appropriate as I would never usually text to end a relationship. But only 8 weeks and him being a taker has made me take the easiest way out for me.

I fell into a situation like that and won’t again-well done for getting out of yours and your text was fine.

Totally, I mean even making loads of effort with discussion or finding out what I like and making some plans for the future relating to those things might have been nice.

Lovely walks or even him doing the cooking even though I had bought the food would have shown he was making some effort.

I don't know why so many men feel like they don't have to try anymore.

Yes I agree. But sometimes in winter, being warm at home feels nice. And paying for petrol even to get to these places.

I will drag out the dating phase for longer though.

Yeah, this guy was gentle and kind natured so it wasn't a concern for me but you're right, you actually don't know how it might go.

He now sees he was wrong and has offered to do some diy to make up for it. I think he was mollycoddled when young so he's not as sensitive to it as he should be.

I don't see a problem with being his friend. I have friends with all sorts of flaws but you see them a lot less so it's easier to manage their behaviour.

Like if I saw his once every couple of months, I wouldn't mind cooking for him as I would do that for a friend and would be happy to just catch up.

He is a nice guy. I just know I would feel resentment if I made this a long term thing.

This smacks of hae playing to me.

Fine to end the relationship for whatever reason. Personally I probably wouldn’t have done it by text but if it’s the choice between that and having him in your house then understandable.

But now you seem put out that he didn’t text back? Sounds to me like you were hoping he’d ask you to reconsider, maybe commit to doing more etc, otherwise exactly what do you want from him?

You’ve told him he’s toxic. That’s the end of it, you’re unreasonable to expect a response to that. In fact if you’d posted here that a bloke had sent you a text along those lines the response would be to not reply, to block and move on.

That's a really good point, I never ask for what I want in relationships. I need to learn that.