To expect him to just KNOW

[Tomatoketchupred]

I will be told I’m unreasonable I think but if I am then I’ll admit I’m wrong.

dp has plans to go out this evening with friends, to be fair he hasn’t done for a while so it’s over due. Been planned for a week or so, he asked me first, not for permission but just to check nothing was happening ect. Since then all our kids have gone through the sickness bug, so sleep hasn’t been much, we’re both tired. The 1 year old now has the bug, so is hard work at the mo, i do the school runs for the older kids as i work evenings and weekends, so with a poorly baby that’s hard, also don’t have a car at the moment as it needs fixing so haven’t even got that to ferry the kids about. Anyway, i did kind of expect him to cancel tonight because of the baby being poorly and me struggling all day by myself. (He’s at work today).

as of this morning he was still going, I had a difficult morning and he called me on his break, he could tell I wasn’t exactly having a great time, so I said what was wrong.. I’m tired, baby is hard work right now school runs a nightmare without the car ect.. I did get a bit tearful because I’m just stressed at the moment and overwhelmed, no other reason. He said all the right things.. then said “if you don’t want me to go tonight just say?” Well no, I don’t really want him to, I want him to come home help with the kids and listen to my problems and cuddle with me on the sofa.. but I said nothing because i won’t tell him not to go. So he’s still going. But I think he should kind of not, but not ask me.. and just say I’m coming home after work and that’s that..

oh I don’t know I’m babbling. Think I needed to rant lol, so here’s my rant. Thanks for listening, I know it sounds childish I just selfishly want him to make me feel better 😩

by the way If he does still go out later I

If he still goes out later you’ll…… finish your post?

No, I'd not expect him to just know. People aren't psychic and if you want him to cancel his plans you should ask him.

He's offered to stay home if you want him to.

It's fundamentally dishonest to say tell someone to do one thing, but expect them to do otherwise.

Don't play games, explain how you feel.

Pressed the button too soon… I was going to say.. if he still goes out later I won’t be off with him or anything, he knows that, I’m just having a wobbly. But it’s the “well if you don’t want me to go?” I think he should just not go, make the decision himself and not ask lol.

You are being very unreasonable. If you didn't want him to go out, you should have told him when he asked!
Why on earth would you expect him to think you were lying?

I really don't understand why people say one thing when they mean the exact opposite!

I knew deep down I was being unreasonable. I should just be honest I know.

Get him to stay at home until dinner is done and the kitchen cleaned and the kids are in bed and you’re on the couch.

Is the baby still being sick?

If not, I wouldn’t expect him to stay home (or guess), no.

He asked you. Literally said he would stay home. And yet you said nothing but expect he’ll just “know” not to go out? Come on OP, that’s hugely unfair. And if the rest of the day goes the way the first half has, I think you’ll struggle not to show any resentment when he gets home from his evening out.

Well I guess I don’t want him to miss out on something he’s looking forward to.. anyway yes obviously I am unreasonable.

He's not a mind reader. You need to articulate what you want/need better and not make him guess. Thats just infuriating. Let him go out. Once you have the kids in bed you can put your feet up and hog the TV.

I put YABU because he offered and he's not psychic and he's probably really looking forward to it, but I also really feel for you because it sounds hard and you're tired and I'm not sure many people would be entirely reasonable in your position!

You can simultaneously want two things, I do all the time. You don't want him to miss out but you want him to want to come home and look after you! I would just soldier through, do the quickest decent bedtime you can, crash on the sofa with Netflix and snacks and hope for not much puke, while planning your own night off asap!

It depends, if he asked but really just expects you to say he can go, but if you said stay home he would be in a mood I see your dilemma. He goes out and you have to get on with it or he stays home and is in a bad mood. You lose either way, so you might as well let him go.

Of course YANBU.

A good person wouldn’t say “if YOU want me to not go, YOU say”. A caring loving person would judge for themselves “this is clearly an unfair, difficult and unexpected situation, I will take the decision as an adult to cancel plans”

Yes I feel like he will resent me if he stays home.

Hi OP, gently - you're being unreasonable. But you do sound tired and like you just need a hug, which I am hopeful your husband will do when he is back from being out. He sounds like a good husband from the bits you have posted.

This is exactly my point. I feel like he should just take the decision and not go. I don’t feel like I want to tell him what he should do..

Is it something that could be rearranged easily? It might feel better if you ask him to move it to next week instead? He doesn't miss out and you get support when you need it

You're a grown up. If you want him to stay home then say so.

He asked. You could have said

I bet if he had said "I'll stay home tonight" you'd have just turned around and said "no, no you deserve the night out"

He can't win in this situation! As pp said if he said he'd stay home you'd probably insist he goes. Either tell him to stay home or wave him on his way. But make sure you get the evening off tomorrow & go to bed. Hope the little ones are better soon.

Yup.

YANBU.

I mean, by asking you it means YOU become the reason he isn’t going and out puts a sense of parental failure on you for not coping. (Yes, dramatic wording, but also fair.)

No, not the biggest deal the world, he’s not a dickhead or anything, but it would be nice to just be supported without requesting. Totally get it.

If he has insisted on not going I’d have stayed quiet. I wouldn’t insist he goes. Because I don’t want him to go lol

If this is a one off and he barely goes out, then I think you should let him go.

He can listen to your problems and cuddle you another night this week.