To expect him to just KNOW

[Tomatoketchupred]

I will be told I’m unreasonable I think but if I am then I’ll admit I’m wrong.

dp has plans to go out this evening with friends, to be fair he hasn’t done for a while so it’s over due. Been planned for a week or so, he asked me first, not for permission but just to check nothing was happening ect. Since then all our kids have gone through the sickness bug, so sleep hasn’t been much, we’re both tired. The 1 year old now has the bug, so is hard work at the mo, i do the school runs for the older kids as i work evenings and weekends, so with a poorly baby that’s hard, also don’t have a car at the moment as it needs fixing so haven’t even got that to ferry the kids about. Anyway, i did kind of expect him to cancel tonight because of the baby being poorly and me struggling all day by myself. (He’s at work today).

as of this morning he was still going, I had a difficult morning and he called me on his break, he could tell I wasn’t exactly having a great time, so I said what was wrong.. I’m tired, baby is hard work right now school runs a nightmare without the car ect.. I did get a bit tearful because I’m just stressed at the moment and overwhelmed, no other reason. He said all the right things.. then said “if you don’t want me to go tonight just say?” Well no, I don’t really want him to, I want him to come home help with the kids and listen to my problems and cuddle with me on the sofa.. but I said nothing because i won’t tell him not to go. So he’s still going. But I think he should kind of not, but not ask me.. and just say I’m coming home after work and that’s that..

oh I don’t know I’m babbling. Think I needed to rant lol, so here’s my rant. Thanks for listening, I know it sounds childish I just selfishly want him to make me feel better 😩

by the way If he does still go out later I

Let him have his night out. It sounds like it's a rarity. There's never a good time when you have kids! Enjoy an evening to yourself with your own choice of what you feel like doing

Totally agree with this

OP, if you talk to him about it this time, tell him honestly how you're feeling and what you want, then you're giving him insight into how you feel / think about this sort of situation for next time.

People come with varying levels of empathy (!), but nobody 'just knows' the mind of anyone else. Honest, mature communication helps to build understanding and attunement over time.

This. Be clear and honest. He's not a mind reader. As a one off, unless you yourself are unwell, let him go.

It's not the point of the post but 2 things jumped out at me

Firstly you don't have a car so have you been ferrying sick bug filled kids on public transport? If so YABU.

Secondly if your husband has a car and is only going to work could he not get public transport/taxi etc so you still have a car? You have the greater need at the moment.

Lastly, I sympathise but YABU he deserves his night out.

Yeah I don’t like the whole “just tell me if you want me to stay” kind of bullshit.

That sentence alone means the person knows you are struggling but also putting the weight of their cancelling and disappointment of not doing what they want on your shoulders. It’s shit.

A decent person would say, you know what I know it’s been a bloody hard few days with all the children getting sick. Let me rearrange and let’s just order some junk in for once the children finally get to sleep and just chill tonight while tag teaming the sick baby.

but oh no it’s oooo well if you really need me I’ll have to stay in 🙄. Crossing fingers that the person run ragged feels too bad to ask someone else to cancel.

If he doesn't make a habit if it and is really looking forward to it, let him go.
If it was the other way round, you might well cancel to stay at home but then feel resentful.

When u are burnt out with kids u just need someone else to take the responsibility and make a decision! So let us help you with that. He should go but make it clear that u need a hug, a cuppa and some time by yourself before he leaves. Then say the next evening you will need some extra help too!! Hugs

Bless you. You sound tired and overwhelmed. I don’t think either of you are BU really but yes, you should’ve said to him directly if you’d rather he stayed at home.

No we’ve been walking the 2 mile round trip to school 😩, and no he can’t use public transport for work as he goes from job to job using his work van.

I voted YABU but I voted with kindness because it is really shit, and I would also want him to just know but it sounds like he really wants to go and doesn’t do it often?

Hopefully you can get baby down and have a peaceful night

Grow up and stop with the game playing. You cannot measure people by expectations that only exist in your head. He's offered to stay home and you've said no so stop being such a bloody martyr and actually communicate what you want and how you feel.

Don’t be a dick.

I take back the YABU then, sorry but people spreading sick bugs are a big issue of mine!

I think a lot of the stress would be removed by sorting the car- what's the plan there? I think the night out is just a red herring in this scenario. Hopefully everyone has stopped being ill now and you can take some self care time whilst he's out and relax a little bit.

Jesus Mary and Joseph. What a reply.

Ah I get it. That’s the dream really - mine is the same as yours and would not go if I asked him, but I wouldn’t ask. Aaaargghh. But if he was a romantic hero, he’d rush to my rescue etc etc.

He’s basically a good guy, and it sounds like your dh is too. Sometimes we just have to suck it up that we’re married to real, fallible humans and take responsibility and speak up for ourselves.

It’s a very important skill in a relationship to be able to put your needs first and ask for what you want. over the years I’ve realised that I really struggle with this - so I’ve started practising with small stuff that doesn’t matter so that I’m better able to speak up when it does.

Maybe this is an occasion when you should ask for his help?

90% of MN issues are due to poor communication and this one is no different. It's really not that hard to say "actually, I would really appreciate it if you stayed home tonight". If you are in a loving relationship, it can't be about point-scoring and mind games.

I'd also be annoyed by the "you must tell me not to go, because I won't volunteer it myself" approach. It's clearly a case of wanting credit for doing the right thing without actually doing it, all while hoping that the other person will feel too guilty to ask. I've been on both sides of it, but it's still a let-down to be on the losing side of such a generous offer!

If you can manage this time on your own, it will be over before you know it. But I'd resolve that if there's a next time when he offers something only if you ask, you won't hesitate to ask, if it's something you need. I'd feel like turning it back on him by saying I shouldn't need to ask, but that's probably not for the best if you want to avoid drama!

💯

Really, the right thing for him to have done would be to make the decision himself, and stay home to support his ill family.

By asking you, it's then on you, which isn't fair. "Sorry guys, the wife won't let me go". It's a shitty move.

You wanted him to be caring enough to stay home without you having to ask. That was the kind thing for him to do. I get that, totally.

He's not psychic I think you need to say! Personally I think I'd say he goes out tonight buy can hr come home a.bit earlier tomorrow and you have a complete night off.

“if you don’t want me to go tonight just say?” Well no, I don’t really want him to, I want him to come home help with the kids and listen to my problems and cuddle with me on the sofa.. but I said nothing because i won’t tell him not to go. So he’s still going. But I think he should kind of not, but not ask me.. and just say I’m coming home after work and that’s that

Yes, it is very unreasonable to expect someone to read your mind and to assume that when you say 'Of course you should still go out' what you actually mean is 'I don't want you to go out'.

I'm really sorry that you're having a shit day but he literally offered to to stay home and you said no because he didn't make that offer in exactly the manner in which you wanted him to make it. That's really not his fault.

It was bluntly put, but also true.

You are right he should just know. If family and the kids were as important to him as they are you he would know not to go. If the roles were reversed you would probably come home to care for your sick children and husband wouldn't you? You should expect the same from him

So I never told him to go… when he said “well I can stay home if you want?” I didn’t say no, I didn’t say yes, I said nothing. I’m definitely not gonna tell him yes sure go, because I don’t want that, but also I’m not gonna tell him not to either. So, he’s going to go.. and I’ll try not to feel any resentment and hope the baby isn’t poorly again 😩

How is it psychic when she literally explained how hard a time she was having?