To expect him to just KNOW

[Tomatoketchupred]

I will be told I’m unreasonable I think but if I am then I’ll admit I’m wrong.

dp has plans to go out this evening with friends, to be fair he hasn’t done for a while so it’s over due. Been planned for a week or so, he asked me first, not for permission but just to check nothing was happening ect. Since then all our kids have gone through the sickness bug, so sleep hasn’t been much, we’re both tired. The 1 year old now has the bug, so is hard work at the mo, i do the school runs for the older kids as i work evenings and weekends, so with a poorly baby that’s hard, also don’t have a car at the moment as it needs fixing so haven’t even got that to ferry the kids about. Anyway, i did kind of expect him to cancel tonight because of the baby being poorly and me struggling all day by myself. (He’s at work today).

as of this morning he was still going, I had a difficult morning and he called me on his break, he could tell I wasn’t exactly having a great time, so I said what was wrong.. I’m tired, baby is hard work right now school runs a nightmare without the car ect.. I did get a bit tearful because I’m just stressed at the moment and overwhelmed, no other reason. He said all the right things.. then said “if you don’t want me to go tonight just say?” Well no, I don’t really want him to, I want him to come home help with the kids and listen to my problems and cuddle with me on the sofa.. but I said nothing because i won’t tell him not to go. So he’s still going. But I think he should kind of not, but not ask me.. and just say I’m coming home after work and that’s that..

oh I don’t know I’m babbling. Think I needed to rant lol, so here’s my rant. Thanks for listening, I know it sounds childish I just selfishly want him to make me feel better 😩

by the way If he does still go out later I

Yup. I had plans at the weekend with friends, but I cancelled as one of the kids were poorly. I didn’t ask him if he needdd me to cancel, I didn’t even suggest it I literally said “I’ve told the girls I’m not going now cos (insert child’s name) is poorly” and that was that. I had no resentment at all, I’d rather be home with my poorly kids.

Not long into our relationship, DP asked me me to ask him for what I need rather than hope that he’ll read my mind. It doesn’t always mean he says yes, but it means that I always feel heard and don’t carry unfair resentment. It has been transformative. I highly recommend it.

I find people who expect you to "just know" to be incredibly tiresome. Especially if they then moan about it in secret.

A very gentle YABU from me. If you really need him home, tell him so. A lot of men take things at face value, you have literally told him it's okay to go, so he's believed you. You could ask him to do a few things to make your evening easier before he goes out. Tidying the kitchen is usually a good place to start.

You sound really tired and stressed. Maybe you need an evening out yourself. Or could you ask him to just give you a evening off where he does all the stuff with the kids and you tuck yourself up in bed with a good movie and a box of chocolates or whatever works for you. It's hard to be so very reasonable all the time when you're just shattered.

Yeh YABU. He gave you the chance to speak up and you didn’t. He obviously wants to go which is why he said if you don’t want him to go then just say but you should of spoke up and said would you mind rearranging and tell him how much your struggling. I’d just get laid on sofa and chill for the evening

He’s offered to stay home.

Let me get this straight: You want him to cancel his plans but you don’t want to take him up on his offer?

Thats crazy. YABVU.

No I wanted him to make the adult decision by himself to stay home because I needed him. But he hasn’t anyway, he’s gone.

You are being completely unreasonable.

He has identified that you might not be OK with him going. He has "said all the right things." He has asked you directly if you're OK about him going. You are playing mind games. Just tell him what you want!

You even said it yourself in your op that he doesn’t ever get to go out. He was probably looking forward to it all week but still decided to check with you based on what you said. You declined and as a result he’s still going out.

He’s done the adult thing, the adult thing is to communicate properly.

I think yabu as you are playing a childish game rather than just telling him if you don't want him to go. Don't play games. Get through this evening and tell him that tomorrow evening you need a rest and a break and he will need to take over for a bit.

The adult decision would have been for you to be honest about what you wanted. You literally lied, and you're cross that he believed you.

You should have made the adult decision to communicate clearly with your husband.

Wharever happened to talking open and clearly in relationships? Second guessing ? Texting each other ? Mind reading?
Must be getting past it, dh and me always know what we want from each other because, shock, gasp, we actually TALK to each other.

Just tell him you’d rather he didn’t go out. He’s not psychic! He literally gave you the opportunity to say how you felt and you didn’t.

My view is it depends on you both as individuals. If I said to my wife "I'm canceling going out, you need me home" (Perhaps in a more sophisticated way!) She wouldn't like me making that decision for her, meaning that I'd decided what she needs if that makes sense - she's more than happy to just tell me she needs me or would say yes when I asked.
It's finding out what you both need/prefer as a couple, so maybe have that conversation separately from this situation and you'll both have a better idea of what you want, as the shoe might be on the other foot in the future, going forward

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think it is entirely fair enough to hope that the father of a sick baby might consider changing his plans without needing to be instructed to do so (and then seething with resentment all night)

I don't think you are being unreasonable tbh. Like, I wouldn't make a huge thing of it, as he did offer and you said no, but you're right - the caring thing to do would be not to make it your decision to cancel his evening. I know for a fact my brother in law would put my sister first as he has and does since they had their baby, he doesn't make her ask, he just does what he can see she needs, it's his first instinct. All that said, I bet he was looking forward to it, and hopefully he can step up to give you some time in return asap to make up for it. It's not the worse thing in the whole world. But you're not being terribly unreasonable, don't worry - just tired and stressed!

He did consider changing his plans and asked the OP if that was OK.

Everyone saying he’s not psychic. Well he doesn’t bloody need to be! He’s a responsible adult with a brain he should be able to look at the situation and think hmm wife is exhausted, no one is sleeping. Baby is ill. I’m needed at home. He just needs to look with his eyes, no psychic abilities neeed!!

@Tomatoketchupred

As a long time married (+35 yrs) please don't expect him to read your mind. State clearly what you want or expect in a calm manner. Expecting one's OH to read one's mind causes resentment when they invariably fail to 'divine one's inner thoughts'.

You'll find that once your DH gets used to you asking for what you need he'll stop resenting when he has to change/cancel plans. It just becomes part of the 'give and take' of marriage. Assuming of course, that one isn't unreasonable in one's demands.

Sorry OP but you're being unreasonable here. In your situation (as I have been, many a time, with a sick baby/toddler), I'd not have hesitated to say "actually yes I'd prefer if you stayed home on this occasion please". Clear communication, it's important.

I totally get you. I mean of course you could do what others have said and told him “actually I would really rather you stayed home” but as others still have pointed out, you then become the reason for him not going out rather than the actual reason which is a difficult week, sick kids, stressed and tired. Having said that if you have told him, when asked, that it’s fine then you can’t really grumble if he goes ahead. But I do get you and if I’m honest I probably would have done what you did and felt the same! It’s a bit like the “what needs doing around the house” question. Like you’re the boss of the house and they are just there to help out when they deem it fit.

This drives me nuts, as I tell my children use your words. If you want help answer accordingly, if not don't.

This martyrdom annoys me, if you are overwhelmed then clearly communicate. People are not mind readers, and people are entitled to making different choices. I would have left him be and headed out, it's a big not a hospital admission.

You are setting him up for failure, he asked you didn't answer that is passive aggressive and destroys relationships.

If you are in an adult relationship you have to communicate your needs and wants clearly.

Oh why are some men so oblivious? I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, he should have just cancelled. However I would probably have said 'i want to say I want you to go and have a great time, and I do, but honestly I can't say that as I think I might collapse in a heap, so please don't go '

I want him* to come home, help with the kids and listen to my problems and cuddle with me on the sofa.*

Eek.