To take my child to a therapist

[gelatodipistacchio]

She's 7 and lives with me most of the time. She spends Wednesdays and EOW with her father, whom I left due to emotional abuse.

She hates her father (she says this) and constantly tells me that he is mean to her. She refuses to explain in more detail. She is always upset before and after seeing him.

I took her to a child counselor before and she refused to engage. She is very intelligent and actively resists bringing any new adults into her fold.

Recently I have taken some recordings of us talking when she has started to go on about her dad.

Is it worthwhile trying to get her to a therapist? Or would a therapist talk to me and find these videos useful?

@Nonplusultra yes, I do envisage this as a possibility. I expect him to argue that I am turning her against him (not true) and I also expect that in any potential proceedings, the court and CAFCASS would assume that he isn't that bad.

It's hard to imagine that he is treating her well based on what I know about him - and I want to be able to protect her.

I was just about to say this! Even the most vile and abusive men are granted contact with their children. It’s a disgrace

@Nonplusultra

@Woush
"I sence parental alienation."

Oh really, on what basis? This attitude is precisely why I am stepping lightly. Her father made my life hell for years and he continues to play weird mind games. I don't trust him to treat our daughter any better. I don't say bad things about him, but she sees for herself that he is a liar and that he mistreats me (I usually don't attend pickups and dropoffs because he kept picking fights with me in front of her).

The last time she was there for almost two weeks, she came back seeming super traumatised. If he was treating her well, surely she would have had some affection for him after that. She's an extremely sweet and well-behaved child, so it's hard to imagine what kind of strictness or discipline he would have had to apply.

The times when I have taken a video was when she had started ranting at me about him, or whimpering or crying when talking about him. I want there to be a record of how she's reacting to whatever he is doing.

To those who are advising me to stop contact, the court would definitely assume I was the bad actor. I am trying to protect her while ensuring that she has enough contact to maintain a relationship with her father and to be seen to be nurturing that relationship.

It honestly shouldn't be that hard to make a 7 year old like you. Most children love their dads even if abusive.

It sounds to me like the next step is legal advice rather than a solicitor op. I can’t really advise further without knowing what she’s saying about him. But if you suspect abuse then please be proactive to protect your daughter fron visits.

@MariaVT65 the legal advice is that there is an extremely high bar for abuse and that courts will give dads MORE contact unless something very egregious is going on.

I honestly don't know how to help my daughter because I know from experience about her father's mind games and emotional cruelty, but I can't reduce contact or even get a clear idea from her exactly what he's doing that is so upsetting to her.

You keep talking about what the court will do. Is the contact court ordered?

Anyway, what can I do to help my daughter? Can a therapist or psychiatrist get through to a 7 year old who actively doesn't want this?

@fulgrate no. But he threatens court to get more contact regularly.

Then never mind what you think he will do or what you think the court will do. This is quite a way off. Stop sending your child to be abused. Deal with any court action of and when it takes place.

@fulgrate my solicitor has been clear that if I withhold contact, the court will assume that I am at fault for not nurturing their relationship. So it would protect her short term, but the court would likely count this against me when making a contact order.

It's mind-bendingly irrational, but fathers make the rules and run the court system.

@fulgrate and given my daughter refuses to talk to or trust adults, I doubt CAFCASS would be able to find out how what is going on when assessing the situation. It would just be a he said she said.

So what actually happens when you sit her down and literally ask her why she doesn’t like seeing her dad?

It doesn't matter right now. Why are you being so bloody passive/

You do not have to send her to be abused

@MariaVT65 she says he is not kind to her. If I ask how, she just sits silently or says in every way.

Therapist here - in short. No it won’t help. Not a lot helps whilst the bad situation is still ongoing unfortunately. The problem is not her, the problem is not her thoughts, feelings or behaviours etc so therapy wouldn’t fix that. If you actually want her to disclose something to the therapist and use that as evidence (as a previous poster suggested) then there may be some value to her seeing one, but apart from that I cant see it would be useful. Plus it sounds like your daughter doesn’t want therapy and if she doesn’t want therapy then she should have control over that.

@fulgrate but I only assume he is being abusive. I don't have anything that could be considered evidence.

This is a long game. Right now I have her more than half the time. If a court gets involved, this would almost definitely be reduced and she would be forced to go to her father half the time.

Anyway, what can I do to help my daughter? Can a therapist or psychiatrist get through to a 7 year old who actively doesn't want this?

It’s very hard tbh, therapists don’t have a magic way of getting people to engage who don’t want to.

In saying that play therapy might be an option because she doesn’t need to speak about anything she’s finding hard to say. I’d be concerned that she’s been told to not say anything (sometimes kids are told if they do speak they’ll be taken away from mum etc), and so can’t find her voice but isn’t able to contain her distress.

Does her school have a nurture group that might help her with her emotions more generally? I’d be giving her lots of reassurance that if there’s anything she’s scared to say, it’s ok, lots of “side by side” activities where the pressure is off her in terms of disclosing and explore play therapy.

@Kittenkitty thanks. Is there anything I can do to help her?

I would say keep asking her, explain that if she wants to stop seeing her dad, she needs to tell you what is happening. Maybe as she is so young, ask her some direct questions eg ‘is he shouting at you’ etc.

But i would definitely stop her seeing him. You talk of her looking traumatised. No way in hell would i send her back. I agree with the PP that you are sounding passive in this situation.

And i would urge you to get some advice from different sources. No one worth their salt would advise you to keep sending your daughter somewhere where there is risk she is being abused. I would literally move away before i sent her back.

Have you considered getting a second legal opinion? You never know, a different lawyer might offer different legal advice. I think I’d take footage of your DD screaming and curling up in a ball with me when I saw the new lawyer too.

I’d be concerned that she’s been told to not say anything (sometimes kids are told if they do speak they’ll be taken away from mum etc), and so can’t find her voice but isn’t able to contain her distress.

she has an IMMENSE fear of being taken away from me. I hope that he has not contributed to this.

@Jellycatspyjamas yes, she is participating in a programme at school, against her will. I think she's staying pretty close lipped there.

@CinnabarRed this is a second legal opinion,and my own research supports it, unfortunately.