Friend’s comment

[Skyiscrying]

Feeling a bit meh about a comment a friend made to me. She is a parent to one school age child and was saying about how hard things are with said child in terms of school runs, things for school, dress up days, clubs, homework etc. I said I understand how hard it all is. She said I couldn’t understand and despite me explaining the following, she said I don’t have kids and I couldn’t possibly understand.

I don’t have kids, but I am a nanny. My nanny kids are both in KS1 and their parents are 2 paediatric junior doctors in a hospital who work very long hours. This is absolutely no judgement as they do a vital job, but they take over about an hour before bed time and I will have the kids all sorted out ready for some quality time without them needing to do anything else. Within the day I do school runs, pick ups, go back and forth to their clubs, bath the children, cook their tea and prepare any snacks, battling with them to do the home work and reading everyday, get them dressed for bed and do the evenings dishes. I also take on the things the parents don’t have the time for, preparing costumes (their school has SO many ‘dress like X’ days), preparing activities etc. Any of you with multiple children will understand what it’s like trying to do homework with one child and the other is having a tantrum, wanting something else or just generally needing attention.

I don’t get home till 7.30pm and then I have to feed myself and do all the necessary things to run my own house. AIBU to think she’s ignorant to how much work my job is? No they aren’t my kids but I spend more time with them than anyone else I know and I’m doing everything but bed times. I don’t get to have lazy days either as it’s what I’m paid to do, there’s no leaving dishes till the morning or just watching a film for the evening and calling it a day.

It’s not the first time people with children have told me have told me I don’t understand what it’s like to have kids. I’ve cared for children longer than any of my friends have had them.

But you get to leave and go home at night. Your friend is 24/7. What about weekends? It's definitely not a competition.

Well I think you have a good idea

I’m not saying it’s the same level. I’m annoyed that she says I don’t understand what it’s like to do all of the child related running around. I work weekends too.

Im not making it a competition.

I think it's best to sometimes let friends say this sort of thing, and understand that it is cathartic for them to say it.
In this sort of situation, your relationship as friends takes precedent to who is "right" on a given topic.
Obviously there could very well be issues where a disagreement is more important to one of you than your friendship, possibly fundamental moral differences let's say, but it's not the case here.

In answer to your question. Yes and no. Yes, you have a fair idea in practical terms, but No because when the children are not your children you don't have the emotional energy/overwhelming sense of responsibility for a lifetime/ worry/overhaul of your own childhood and relationship with your parents/ love/hurt/ that goes along with raising them and this can take up a load of extra energy.

I think you have a great understanding of the work involved in kids.

But imagine picking up another job on top of that.

I have 2 KS1 kids and i have to do all those things you do, as well as work another FT job into the mix and do the bedtime hour and admin to run a home.

As do many parents. I think that's all your friend was getting at.

You have a good idea, you don't know totally. I think the best comment in this situation from you would be "its hard enough for me I imagine it's harder for you as I switch off, you dont".

I think it's best to sometimes let friends say this sort of thing, and understand that it is cathartic for them to say it.

It sounds like all op said was "Oh yeah I know what you mean" which sounds pretty non committal and not trying to make it a competition.

No, OP said I understand how hard it all is.

The initial comment by your friend was just a letting off steam comment and nothing more and probably didn’t deserve any further comment.

However, after explaining your situation, she should have realised that you do have a fair idea of what school runs etc all involve and not pulled the ‘I’m a parent, you’re not’ top trump card.

You do it as a job. You get to go home and leave it all behind afterwards.

I don’t get to have lazy days

Yes you do, on the days you’re not working.

I got pulled up by a friend for saying ‘it’s different for parents’ - he said it was dismissive. I assumed he and his wife were CFBC and now I know not, so I just don’t say this stuff in case it offends.

I do still (secretly) think unless you’re a parent you don’t understand the particular pressure (obviously non-parents can have valuable insights into raising kids and do experience many pressures of their own).

I used to be a nanny and now have a baby of my own. Whilst nannying is an extra challenge in some ways (having to always go the extra mile because you are being paid to educate and take care, be constantly switched on, bite your tongue when it’s none of your business etc.) it really isn’t the same as being a parent.

Being a parent is more emotionally, physically, mentally draining as you are so much more invested in this child than you are your charges. Also the responsibility level is just so much higher when it is your own. A nanny is ‘help’. I’ve no doubt you work extremely hard and often people don’t realise how difficult a job it can be but it is difficult in a different way.

I am with your friend. You may be a nanny, but it is in NO WAY like having children of your own. She's right. YABU.

I took on a family members young child for 2 years as their parents were unable to care for them. The family thought I would be best qualified to take this on. All the washing, tantrums, bed times etc. is that good enough for you?

I'd say that you probably don't completely understand what it's like to have your own kids, but that you probably have alot more insight and understanding of how much effort is needed balancing a busy working and family life than the average person without children.

Tbf you’re all taking how she did. She was talking about school related responsibilities, that’s what I agreed I understand about.

The friend and the OP weren't comparing whether it's harder to be a parent or a nanny though. They were just talking about all the logistical stuff you have to do for kids and the OP does understand very well what it's like to do school runs and homework and cobble together costumes.

Parents like this get on my tits. You can't do right for doing wrong with them because they want constantly validating and to have smoke blown up their arse for living the same life as most people around them.

I know being an astrophysicist is hard, but I don't do it myself. I understand that the pressure on parents can be immense without going and flogging myself.

This thread makes me think you don't understand really. You can relate to a certain extent. But from having a child from birth till there grown up, trying to keep a job and work with them. Up in the night with them when there sick. It's relentless. There's different phases and challenges at each age to deal. Parents never get a chance to go joke at 7 and then relax for the evening. They don't get always get regular jobs. You're working a job, which is demanding and gives you a taste of it, and you have looked after others for two years. I used to help out with my siblings, thought I had an idea but ohhhhh how wrong was I! So kindly you do not understand how relentless it is and hard it is.

I’m sorry but I agree that being a parent is something that you can’t truly understand until you’ve been one. As a nanny you have a much closer idea than someone in a different job but doing a lot of the tasks involved in parenting is very different to being a parent.

I'm not a fireman but I've a pretty good understanding that it's a stressful and hard job.

Your friend is one of those women who likes to moan about how hard it all is when in reality she simply doesn't make enough effort and is resentful of having to do what she feels are mundane tasks in raising her child.

Every time she whinges just roll your eyes and say, "You'll have to have little Susie/Johnny adopted if you can't cope!" Then change the subject.

Women have become such dreadful moaners nowadays despite things being a lot easier than previous generations. Just bloody get on with it like we all did and our mothers before us!

Yanbu

You've asked people's opinion and now you're being rude because you don't like the answers.

She doesn’t know what it’s like being a nanny and you don’t know what it’s like being a parent. Question is, why has this hit suck a nerve with you?

*such