Friend’s comment

[Skyiscrying]

Feeling a bit meh about a comment a friend made to me. She is a parent to one school age child and was saying about how hard things are with said child in terms of school runs, things for school, dress up days, clubs, homework etc. I said I understand how hard it all is. She said I couldn’t understand and despite me explaining the following, she said I don’t have kids and I couldn’t possibly understand.

I don’t have kids, but I am a nanny. My nanny kids are both in KS1 and their parents are 2 paediatric junior doctors in a hospital who work very long hours. This is absolutely no judgement as they do a vital job, but they take over about an hour before bed time and I will have the kids all sorted out ready for some quality time without them needing to do anything else. Within the day I do school runs, pick ups, go back and forth to their clubs, bath the children, cook their tea and prepare any snacks, battling with them to do the home work and reading everyday, get them dressed for bed and do the evenings dishes. I also take on the things the parents don’t have the time for, preparing costumes (their school has SO many ‘dress like X’ days), preparing activities etc. Any of you with multiple children will understand what it’s like trying to do homework with one child and the other is having a tantrum, wanting something else or just generally needing attention.

I don’t get home till 7.30pm and then I have to feed myself and do all the necessary things to run my own house. AIBU to think she’s ignorant to how much work my job is? No they aren’t my kids but I spend more time with them than anyone else I know and I’m doing everything but bed times. I don’t get to have lazy days either as it’s what I’m paid to do, there’s no leaving dishes till the morning or just watching a film for the evening and calling it a day.

It’s not the first time people with children have told me have told me I don’t understand what it’s like to have kids. I’ve cared for children longer than any of my friends have had them.

Some people like to moan about how hard it is. Others don’t. My mum is the only one who sees me frazzled as she’s often in my house (and me in hers). I don’t complain about my child.

It sounds like you were discussing school logistics and the ball ache of dress up days, not the deep and meaningful of parenting. So you have more to do with two than she does with one. Maybe counter with that?

I never get why people complain about this, it’s pretty much a mumsnet thread standard. Some people are rude to her in the comments, why shouldn’t she be rude back?

I've been a nanny and was also a SAHM to my own children. The two situations are completely different. I think being being a nanny is harder work because, as @Skyiscrying rightly says, you can't really have duvet days where you neglect the normal things and just spend the day in pjs watching Pingu and Aladdin on repeat whilst eating nothing but yoghurt and fish fingers.

Being a nanny was easier in one way because there wasn't the constant worry I felt with my own children. I did what needed to be done and I was very fond of them but I was disconnected from them and felt guilty that I didn't have that connection. I felt they were missing out on things because I spent more time with them than their parents but I didn't love them like they deserved to be loved.

Is it a hill to die on? I wouldn't have made the comment she did, there's no need and obviously it's gonna pass you off.

You'll have a good insight into parenting but no, it's not the same. The weight of response that comes with being a parent is the heaviest burden and also serves up the greatest joy.

As a nanny you get to make logical decisions whereas as a parent it tends to be bound up in emotion. It's a totally different gig. (X-nanny)

Exactly this. I wasn’t going to counter with that, I was just being empathetic and she turned it into a ‘I’m a real parent so I have it harder’ thing. I never said she didn’t. I just said I understood the pains of school runs/pressure of getting homework and reading practise in when kids don’t want to do it and all that kind of stuff.

Well, maybe she misunderstood you, or you weren't entirely clear?

You do have a limited understanding, in the same way that she would have a limited understanding of being a nanny and the additional stuff that entails.

Sounds like she was looking for sympathy rather than solidarity.

Just nod along then change the subject in future.

I don't think the issue here is whether you do or don't really understand the challenges of parenthood. I think it's that your friend was essentially off loading and telling you in a roundabout way she felt stressed and exhausted aka shit! You've effectively said, yes we all feel like this at times, but she's got angry coz she feels Yes, but I'm feeling shit NOW.
Each of you could have handled it better. If you're good friends I think next time you meet ask her warmly Are you feeling any better? If you both acknowledge your part this shouldn't be a huge problem.

All I said was ‘yeah I get you, it’s a pain trying to get it all done isn’t it’ before her tangent that I’m not a parent. It’s not like I said ‘oh I know I’ve got XYZ to do and don’t know how to get it all done’. Was literally just going along with her.

Honestly this ‘I’ve got a child and you don’t’ thing is exactly why people don’t like to sympathise.

Hahaha nice try but nannying is in no way comparable to the responsibility of parenting. No-one loves other people's children like the parents do.

However, nannying has its very own sack of stressors like working for people with grandiose ideas, like lecherous employers, like isolation and so.on.

I agree with your friend because she has to do everything you do, but she can’t hand in her notice and quit, the ultimate responsibility always falls on her if she is sick or had plans, also has to manage all of the mental load, doesn’t have evenings/nights and weekends off and is the person organising childcare and someone to do everything.

I've been a childminder and I'm a parent. I did find CM more difficult - if a child fell over, for example, having to write an injury report. Dealing with kids who have bits repeatedly and not being able to treat it and having to deal with difficult parents. With your own dc, you just deal with issues as they arise and don't feel the weight of responsibility that you can experience when being paid to look after another person's child. You only have to make decisions as you see fit, not in accordance with another set of parents' wishes. Childcare can be relentless and dull, but when you are emotionally invested, as you are with your own children, it's not so hard.

But all that aside, the OP does know as much about logistics of childcare as her friend - she wasn't claiming to have the same level of emotional investment. Friend made it into an argument/competition, unnecessarily.

Bits = nits