Friend’s comment

[Skyiscrying]

Feeling a bit meh about a comment a friend made to me. She is a parent to one school age child and was saying about how hard things are with said child in terms of school runs, things for school, dress up days, clubs, homework etc. I said I understand how hard it all is. She said I couldn’t understand and despite me explaining the following, she said I don’t have kids and I couldn’t possibly understand.

I don’t have kids, but I am a nanny. My nanny kids are both in KS1 and their parents are 2 paediatric junior doctors in a hospital who work very long hours. This is absolutely no judgement as they do a vital job, but they take over about an hour before bed time and I will have the kids all sorted out ready for some quality time without them needing to do anything else. Within the day I do school runs, pick ups, go back and forth to their clubs, bath the children, cook their tea and prepare any snacks, battling with them to do the home work and reading everyday, get them dressed for bed and do the evenings dishes. I also take on the things the parents don’t have the time for, preparing costumes (their school has SO many ‘dress like X’ days), preparing activities etc. Any of you with multiple children will understand what it’s like trying to do homework with one child and the other is having a tantrum, wanting something else or just generally needing attention.

I don’t get home till 7.30pm and then I have to feed myself and do all the necessary things to run my own house. AIBU to think she’s ignorant to how much work my job is? No they aren’t my kids but I spend more time with them than anyone else I know and I’m doing everything but bed times. I don’t get to have lazy days either as it’s what I’m paid to do, there’s no leaving dishes till the morning or just watching a film for the evening and calling it a day.

It’s not the first time people with children have told me have told me I don’t understand what it’s like to have kids. I’ve cared for children longer than any of my friends have had them.

This.

Competitive “I have it the hardest” moaning. i wouldn’t get involved OP.

I applaud your comment. You are spot on.

Exactly this @MartinsSpareCalculator and @CharlotteMakepeace

I really don't understand why people have to play the 'parent trump card'.
Parenting is pretty much exactly as I imagined it to be before I became one.

And I imagine as a nanny, you're not some kind of monster who has no emotional connection to your charges whatsoever.

Even in my NCT group there's someone who likes to make out like it's sooo much harder for her than everyone else.

Some people just always have to be the victim and the 'I chose to procreate' excuse is a classic.

Unless your friend is a sahm there is no comparison. If she works outside the home ,then she'd have to do her work and then all the things that you do as a nanny (and more) on her spare time AFTER her full time job and during weekends.

She is a SAHM with a husband who works from home.

Then arguably OP, you have it worse because there's an element of stress in being responsible for someone else's children, that you don't feel when looking after your own.

@CharlotteMakepeace honestly what are you talking about, things used to be so much harder for mothers? You mean the generations where many women had a choice of whether to stay at home? When you could get your mum to help you with your children as not only was she not working until 67 just to survive in fact she had never worked? A time when paid childcare didn't cost you an arm and a leg? A time when housing was actually affordable and people weren't desperately scraping by despite well paid jobs because wages have been heavily outstripped by house price rises? A time when government expenditure on working age people was much higher than that on OAPs, when child benefit went to everyone not just some? YABU. Of course there are always pluses and minuses of different times (thank god for dishwashers!) but the idea mothers used to have it harder is just nonsense.

Yep. This.

People say all sorts of things that they haven't really thought through or really considered the impact on the recipient. I've said many things I cringe about including something similar to your friend's comment. I wish i hadnt . Don't give too much thought to it. Everyone's life is different and it's not a competition. If she is otherwise a sound friend chalk it up as one of those things that you see differently but probably won't help to thrash it out.

OP, when you post on AIBU, people expect that you have included all relevant information in the original post. Of course it is relevant that you had custody of a child for two years (does your friend know this?), and that your friend is a SAHM, but it's not fair to leave these out of your original post and then get angry that people didn't somehow guess it (as you seemed to with the first relevant fact). Dripfeeding doesn't do posters any favours, as it just makes other posters suspect that they are fabricating things in response to comments not going their way.

For what it's worth, I think your friend was being ridiculous and moany, but it is also a bit ridiculous and moany of you to claim you never get to have lazy days- I assume you don't work 365 days a year? Both you and your friend seem to be trying to make it a competition of who has it hardest- there will never be a winner!

Also, if the children you nanny for are both in KS1, you have a lot of time during the day when they are both at school to get things done! Which is quite possibly true of your friend, too- you don't say whether she has any pre-school aged children. Perhaps you could just agree that you both have it easier than working parents! (Of which I am not one, incidentally- I'm a SAHM of a 13 month old and absolutely feel that I have it easier than parents in families where both parents work.)

I'm a childminder and a single parent to 2. I work 50 hours and my DC are with me full time.

I adore the childminded kids but I do not worry about how much it costs to feed them, what time they will go to bed, buying their clothes, getting them to the childminder on time, doing other school runs for older children. They do not take up head space.

My own are now teens but I've had my fair share of sleepless nights and school runs. I'm a taxi driver until ungodly hours. I have parents evenings and forms to fill in and teachers to speak to and clothes to buy. I lie awake at night worrying about them.

As teens, I hardly see them even though the mental load and organising is still there. And I can assure you that the 50 hours I spend with 3 or 4 preschoolers without stopping, does not make me as tired and stressed as my own children make me.

I know Mum's who worked in child care and as nannies, they've all said being a Mum isn't the same at all. I think you have some insight, but doing these things as a parent is different to doing them as a job.

I’m not sure you should be this offended, OP. Is it a bad thing that you don’t know what it’s like being a parent? Your friend doesn’t know what it’s like being a nanny. Does it matter?

Thank you I trying to think how to say it and you said it better

You both don't understand each other's lives and?

I would imagine being a nanny is harder, i want to be with DS because I adore him. Doing all the hard work for a kid you don't love so much would be much more boring. You wouldn't feel the same pain when they are upset i guess, but not the same level of joy for achievements either.

Not sure why anyone thinks the friend is ok to turn it into a weird competition. You look after kids as a nanny, you've done some sort of fostering if I read that correctly, so yes you have a very good idea of how it is to look after children. Try finding a friend who's a bit more fun and less competitive misery OP.

I was a nanny for years and thought the same as you OP,then I had my son, let's just say I ate my words!!

I don’t think that’s an argument worth having.
I think your friend was rude to say you don’t have kids. I’d consider that a dig. Maybe she’s jealous.
She was probably just wanting to have a moan but doesn’t excuse the comment.

Why are you so bothered about her comment? What does it matter what she thinks?

So everyone’s agreeing with her and you don’t like it?
Thing is you get paid to think about all this, it’s your literal job. Your friend has to remember all the millions of requests from the school on top of a day job, and doesn’t get weekends off from the kids to please herself and free up some headspace.

I think many of these comments are harsh. The OP is not making it a competition. She is saying the logistics of getting children from A to B and organising school related stuff is hard. Of course she knows doing this on limited sleep and with the additional stress of worrying about your child/parenting is additionally difficult. But it isn’t like the OP has no clue what he friend is dealing with…..

I think you have some insight but no it's not the same.

(Speaking as someone who has been a nanny and a parent)

You go home at the end of your shift. You have days off. You don't have the weight of wondering if you are parenting well or failing as a parent on your shoulders. It's just not the same.

Personally, I don't think you can really understand until you're a parent. You grasp what she's saying and empathise but until you're in that position, you can't fully understand the pressures of parenthood. As for your friend, she sounds like she needed to sound off and have a little bit of reassurance that she's doing great despite the challenges, rather than a I know what you mean conversation. I don't think being a paid nanny compares to being a parent at all.

If you got as defensive with your friend as you're being on here, then I can see why she said it.

You do have a good idea what days with kids are like. And taking on your family members child was a noble thing to do. But, kindly, and now being 5+ years in with 2 kids, it's not the same. It's like doing your job on hardly any sleep 24/7 with no breaks, ever. No Sundays off, no Sat nights out without meticulous planning, and a lot of the time no cooking for yourself or you time until 8-8.30 or later. Especially with a baby.

So no, you don't "totally" get it - and that's fine. As others have said, it's not a competition and there are no winners here - except maybe you as you can put your feet up at 8 knowing no one is going to shout "MUMMY IVE DONE A WEE IN MY BED" so happy days!